My Sick Mind

Carol Connelly: How are you? Simon Bishop: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts. Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about now? Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly . Well OK, so it hasn't been quite that bad, but that little exchange from a good film always comes to mind when I grow weary of listening to my own complaints, and nowhere are they more evident than here on my little patch of the Internet. Updates are ready for my computer. I get that message every time I turn the damned thing on. Whether or not I want them, they're ready. A little metaphor for life. Whether we're ready for it or not, it keeps coming. Sometimes in a relentless fashion that gives us no recourse than to shut down and find out where the leaks are. Which brings to mind an exchange of dialogue from another of my favorite films, "Apollo 13": Sy Liebergot: Flight ... I recommend we shut down reactant valves to the fuel cells. Gene Kra...

Every time I think about chucking-in this blogging deal, the last post standing is something ridiculous like that ShamWow ad from Sunday. I can't have tens of readers thinking that my last thoughts were of German-made shammys (or is it chamois'?), so I'm forced to run one more brain fart out here for the masses so that you'll remember me fondly, or at least more fondly than I'll remember myself. So hey, how about that airline food? Is it bad or what? There, that should do it.

Daylight saving time . The lasting legacy of Benjamin Franklin and George W. Bush. Franklin, because he wanted an extra hour of daylight to do farming and Bush because it was the best idea he had to stem the tide of wasted energy. Neither one of them does me any good on Sunday morning. We've long since abandoned the Agrarian society and George W. Bush, so why do we need to continue this nonsense? So here I sit in the darkness, waiting for 2am so that I can move the clock ahead an hour thus saving me daylight. I understand completely. Otherwise, I'd have to set the alarm for 2am so that I could accurately move the clock. It's all about accuracy. If I moved the clock ahead an hour at 10pm, it's possible that I'd be four hours ahead when I woke up (eventually) on Sunday morning. Isn't that how it works? Daylight saving time makes us think we're saving time while we're wasting it.

"Meet your new best friend" the ad says that came in my e-mail box yesterday. Only it's a metal contraption manufactured from Japanese parts and not a young woman who could prove her friendship by performing a sexual act or accompanying me to a baseball game - or both. No, it's a computer. I'm not even sure why we call them computers anymore. They're like cell phones - more cell than phone - and more web-surfing device than a machine that actually "computes" anything. We ain't launching rockets here, gang. Unless you count that Internet-inspired woody you get, but that's another matter. $299 for a tiny laptop, the ad says. OK, I'm in the market for a new best friend, since I seem to be abandoned by some and forgotten by others. You'll be my friend, LCD screen. And I don't have to feed you or tell you how much I enjoy your company. The trouble is, (among other things) that the $299 price is a bit of a scam. Surprised? Me neithe...

I'm jonesing for baseball season. Partly because I love baseball and partly because I don't have much of anything else going on in my life that would preclude me from watching baseball until September - or October if you're a Phillies fan. Mostly, I wander about wondering why I'm here. It's a fruitless exercise because I don't think I'll find an answer. Baseball. I waddle through the day ... sleep, wake, work, exercise, TV and blog. It's a cycle that finds itself back in the beginning of the circle that starts with sleep. Fruitless. Now, I'm forced to be sociable at work when I'd much rather say, "Fuck off" and let me go about my business. That isn't how work works, because we have do deal with these "people" every day. So, I suck it up and deal. It's a testament to my tolerance for pain. And that whole Facebook thing is set to go in the shitter too. A fruitless time waster, it is. How sad to be so old and so di...

The World Baseball Classic is going on somewhere in the world. I'm not sure where. The title doesn't specify. There are teams (allegedly) from all over the world competing in some sort of championship series to determine which country has the best baseball players. First, I'm skeptical of anything that names itself "classic" from the get-go. That's like calling something "collectible" when it's running off the production line. Calm down Mo, we'll determine whether or not it's collectible. Mostly, it's something for Major League baseball to promote while spring training is going on. And television. We can't forget about television. Next, the collection of players is odd as well. Team Italy approached Shane Victorino to play for them. Victorino is from (and born in) Hawaii. His name is vaguely Italian, so obviously the Italian team approached him to play. Orioles outfielder Nick Markakis is playing for Greece. Nick was born in Ge...

How nice it was to get a blog visit from the local Fox affiliate (Fox Television Stations Of Phila) over my posts of the last few days about our alleged snowstorm. It's nice to know I don't have to waste my time posting a comment to their web site. I'm particularly fond of the photo of the forecast and the "big chubby under that sport jacket" reference and the photo of the two inches of snow directly above the forecast of 10" to 14". I couldn't have said it better myself. I do my best thinking here. There's another one of those Mega Millions jackpot drawings going off tonight. $212 million. People rush to get their tickets, dreaming of the millions (even mega millions) but if they thought about it they'd ask themselves how it got to 212 million. It's because nobody has won. It didn't start out that way, you know. Last week, when the jackpot was 146 million (still mega, by millions standards) I bought 5 tickets because I'm do...

Rachael Ray Doesn't Regret Racy Photo Shoot - US Magazine Rachael Ray's mother was furious when she stripped down for a racy 2003 FHM photo shoot, but the 40-year-old talk show host has no regrets. "I think I was 35 at the time," she tells ABC's Nightline in an interview airing Monday. "And I thought about it for a while, and I said, 'You know what? This magazine has as young as 17, 18-year-old's in hottie bikinis, and these are all actresses, models, pin-up girls. I don't belong to any even remote club of theirs.'" Mom was Furious. Really. She "stripped down?" I'm having trouble seeing the stripped down part. Get a grip, mom. First, never listen to anything your mother says about something you did as an adult. That's an important rule of life to remember. Second, I love Rachael Ray. I like her TV show and her raspy voice. I like her dopey Dunkin' Donuts commercials and those 30-minute meals she cooks on TV. The...

Thankfully, I have photographic proof of the 10 to 14 inches of snow that we were supposed to get last night. Unfortunately, I'll never recoup the lost sleep from getting up unusually early to shovel myself out of the expected mountain of snow. This was the scene when I got to my car at 6:30 this morning. Not quite a foot of snow, do you think? No. Not quite. My car is the clean one. The other neighbors had the good sense to sleep in. Thanks Bolaris, you nitwit. The shoveling I anticipated amounted to brushing vigorously and the great difficulty I anticipated getting to work this morning amounted to being 45 minutes early. Listening to these people is a lot like playing the lottery. We figure, "This is the time they'll be right and I'd better listen." They're more wrong than right, but we listen anyway. We buy lottery tickets because we figure, "This is the time I'll win." We lose again. It's amazing, with the millions of dol...

Oh, the humanity! It is starting. The snow. We hate the snow. So much so that the local weather guy breaks into the NASCAR race twelve times to tell us that it's snowing. We know, smart ass. I have windows. Meanwhile, the snow is coming down - as snow will do. It comes down. By Monday morning we're supposed to have a foot of snow on the ground. So much for Global warming. The tough part is that I ran out of canned cat food, and the guy needs his evening treat. I didn't dare go near the supermarket today, since the Hellfire Snowstorm was on the way and the local populace was in there stocking up on bread, eggs and milk - as though snow makes us crave French Toast. Ten inches of snow should keep us inside for at least 4 hours, but we still need food! God forbid we get out in our giant SUVs and actually use them for their intended purpose. "The roads are clear, let's get out before the snow starts!" What bugs me about this stuff is the way the local media c...

Practically every sentence starts with "In this economy," and in some places, people are losing their homes and jobs. In some places, however, "this economy" is purring along just fine, or so it seems. I don't know if these are sound business decisions or people with money doing a stupid thing. Either way, they're fearlessly plodding along: I guess America really does run on Dunkin'. That's a new donut emporium where a bank used to stand. There's another Dunkin' Donuts about two miles away. Can't have too many, right? A new Rite Aid drug store is going up on this site (across the street from the donut place) where a golf driving range and miniature golf course once stood. There's a CVS and Walgreen's less than two miles from here. Rite Aid's stock is 28 cents a share. I'd guess that they have better things to do with the money they have left than to build another store. This old Taco Bell has been vacant fo...

I don't know what it's like in your state, but here in New Jersey we have to register our motor vehicles and renew that registration every year. I for one, don't understand the process, and the fact that I pay $56.50 for the privilege makes me understand it less, if such a thing is possible. I bought my car in 2005 and paid to register it to drive in the state. Since I haven't sold it, why do I have to continue to pay $56.50? I don't know what the registration fee pays for other than the people who the state pays to process my registration fees. It's like bridge tolls that pay for the people to take the tolls. My head is spinning. Now, our federal government is going to spend $13 billion dollars (that's a lot of dollars) to take the census in 2010. Why? To count people that we already know are here? Isn't that what birth and death records are for? In New Jersey, we have to present several forms of identification to prove that we're offici...

So there. I deleted my Twitter account. I realized that I couldn't keep up with constantly updating my life on the Internet. Once a day on here is really too much sometimes. The Twitter thing had gotten to be too much to think about. I feel much better now. Seriously. Anyone I care enough about to Twitter I've already e-mailed or actually (egad) spoken to. Such is life in the 21st Century. Twitter is a service for friends, family and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing? I'm not doing much. Besides, don't you think family, friends and co-workers already communicate? It's a sad state of affairs if we have to rely on the Internet to talk to each other. I guess we do. Speaking of which, I'm this close (holding my fingers a half inch apart) to deleting the Facebook account as well. What it amounts to is that I just don't get it. It's supposed to be this...

Often, I think I'm in the wrong line of work. Pretty much anything other than what I'm doing now, but specifically, the business of telling people things that are discovered by big government or private funding agencies. Like this: WASHINGTON (AFP) - Eating heart-healthy, low-calorie foods and exercising is the key to losing weight regardless of levels of protein, fat or carbohydrates, a new study has found. The research, funded by the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute (NHLBI) of the National Institutes of Health, seems to argue against blanket use of diets that do not necessarily limit calories but call for eating certain foods such as vegetables or proteins, at the expense of others. To recap: Eating fewer calories than you use will make you lose weight. It's a new study . That's my favorite phrase, "a new study." In a new study funded by the National Institute for New Studies, researchers found that exposing your skin to the sun causes sunburn. A...

Occasionally, the Philadelphia Inquirer has the good sense to publish a letter I've written to them. Lately, an article appeared detailing the staff cuts that are coming to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. It prompted this missive, soon to find the Editorial section: The Philadelphia Art Museum is cutting staff, the Philadelphia Orchestra is having financial troubles and libraries are closing. Meanwhile, the Eagles and Phillies both raised ticket prices and continue to enjoy sold-out crowds. I think that says a lot about society's values, and it's a shame that there isn't a better balance. Keeping things short is a key to having a letter published. I leave the wordiness and verbal festivals to this place. Newspapers are in trouble everywhere, and the two here in Philadelphia have recently declared bankruptcy . I suppose it's because more and more people are getting their news and information from the Internet, but it might also be because newspapers are 75 cents ...

The older I get (every day) the less I understand the fascination with religion. I suppose that translates to an eternity in Hell, which I can't imagine is any worse than what I have on Earth. As I was leaving work tonight, a co-worker blurted out, "You didn't have meat today, did you?" Perplexed, I responded, "Well, I had a salad but it had chicken in it - but it probably wasn't real chicken." At that point, I realized what the point of the question was. Today apparently, was Ash Wednesday - whatever that is. I don't subscribe to the Catholic religion (largely based on guilt) so my conditioning is to do what I want when I want and if necessary, ask forgiveness. That's the point of religion, as I see it. It's a guilt-based following that prides itself on sacrificing something because they feel that if they don't, an eternity of damnation awaits. That's the same kind of thinking that permeates gamblers and other superstitious typ...

When is a free DVD not free? When you're a member of the Columbia House DVD club. GO PAPERLESS! No more order cards and catalogs! they proclaim, (exclamation points) and "we'll reward you with a FREE DVD from a selection of hot titles." uh-huh. The fine print. A shipping and processing fee will be added to your FREE selection. I suppose by putting the word free in capital letters, then charging you a shipping and processing fee (not free, fee ) it somehow makes it right. Imagine a world where retailers actually sent you something for free and didn't charge you for shipping. The horror! Is there another meaning for free that I've missed? Those "hot titles" include "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium", "Shrek 2", "Garfield 3" (a close game), "Evan Almighty" and "X-Men 3." Hot. I don't know how much the shipping and processing fee is, but I'd bet it's just about the price of the DV...

Fuck Turbo Tax. And while we're at it fuck the entire tax system and the people who profit from it. I hope they have some lackey at whatever Hellhole they inhabit doing Google searches for their company so that they can see Fuck Turbo Tax come up in big fucking bold letters on their fucking wide screen monitors. I hope they see it around lunch time when their fucking corporate attorneys are choking on a stale turkey wrap. Where did this wrath start? When I bought their fucking software and it told me that I owed $4,200 in federal taxes, and I went to H & R Block and entered the same info and I was told I owed $710. That's a start. Now, I find myself doing my Sainted mother's income taxes on their fucking "free" web site. The woman earns $4,000 a year working for a local school in addition to the Social Security she gets. They take state income taxes out of her wages because they say, "We have to" and every year, she gets the same $63 refund (sor...

So they gave out those Academy Awards on Sunday night. I'd be all twisted up, but the only two movies I saw were "The Dark Knight" and "The Visitor" (best actor nominee). From what I hear, I'm one of twelve people who saw "The Visitor." I recommend it, by the way. I can't speak for the other eleven. There's kind of a homophobic thing going on with that "Milk" movie. It's hard to explain, but if you mention it to some people and tell them you liked it, they look at you funnily (queerly, so to speak) and tell you how horrible it was that it was even nominated, so imagine my glee to see Spicoli win the Oscar. I'd be happier if it actually had anything to do with my life. I don't get worked up over awards shows like I used to. Age and maturity have given me a more healthy perspective and generally, their winning or losing doesn't affect my life, so why should I care? I do get a kick out of the self-importance of th...