Moon over Uranus

I can only imagine the chagrin that comes from the steadfast Google-searcher who, after typing in "Little League Coach pitch tournaments Hawaii 2008" stumbles on this mess. After comparing the current state of Deal or No Deal to coach-pitch baseball, who knows what kind of odd searches could uncover my little rant. I have no idea whether the searcher read through the essay long enough to realize that it would be two minutes of his life he would never get back or whether he found enough to make him a "returning visitor". I'd prefer a comment: Screw you pal. You didn't say anything about the Little League, now I have to do another search. I'll assume he's pissed. My work here is done.

Why isn't my Blogger spell check working?

In my sadder contemplative moments I realize how much I'm going to miss my cat when he eventually meets his kitty maker. I try not to think about it much, but since he's been extra-chummy lately I have little choice. It's as though he realizes his time is coming and he wants to make the most of our time. I'm probably reading too much into it, but I was born with keen analytical skills and a sense of impending doom. That's not a good combination. It's a foregone conclusion, though, since no one lives forever, much as we would like them to.

I don't leave myself to those kinds of thoughts often, but since he just turned 17, it's kind of hard to ignore. Plus, he seems to be enjoying my new mattress as much as I, and I can't help but notice that he spends more time cuddled up next to me in bed than he used to. Of course, I'd prefer a less furry two-legged female companion, but desparate times call for ... a warm cat, and we take what we can get.

Don't miss the last total lunar eclipse in the Western Hemisphere until 2010. You'll never forgive yourself. There's the sky chart for the Eastern time zone. If you're lucky enough to live elsewhere, check the NASA web site and load up your lucky time zone. Lucky for you if it's in Arizona, Southern California or Hawaii and luckier still if your skies are clear.

I can't remember the last time my skies were clear.

Another weak night for television.

That Deal or No Deal show has turned into television's version of coach-pitch Little League. You know the kind, where nobody strikes out and everybody gets a turn at bat. Tell everybody they have a chance even if they suck.

Since they've never given away a million dollars, they're trying every mathematical trick in the book to try to help their contestants get the money. They've tried 7 million dollar cases, cases with more than a million and even as many as 10 out of 26 cases with a million dollar prize inside. Still no big winner.

Tonight, they put 13 million dollar cases in the show and told the contestant that they had a 50/50 chance of winning. Makes sense, right? 26 cases and 13 with a million. The trouble with that fuzzy math is that the contestant only picks one, then whittles her way down to her case and the one remaining. The odds are always one out of 26.

The show was kind of cool when I started watching it, but tonight was the first time I watched it in about 6 months. I wrote about it a couple of times, and its Spanish channel cousin, Vas o No Vas. It reminds me of the Who Wants to be a Millionaire show. When I started watching it, I obsessed over it. I loved that show, but now when I see repeats on the Game Show network, I wonder what I found so fascinating. Every once in a while, I see the new one that Meredith Vierra hosts, and I don't watch it for longer than it takes me to guess one question.

By the time it was nearly 9pm she whittled the cases down to a $200 case and a million dollar one. What do you know, a 50/50 chance. She cracked and took the $490,000 deal and later found out that the case she picked had the million bucks. So, even when they tee it up and slow-pitch, it's still tough to beat human nature.

I suppose it could have been worse. Over on ABC they were running some nonsense called Bruno vs. Carrie Ann. Dancing, I think. Next on NBC, My Dad is Better Than Your Dad, and we're supposed to think it's good because it's "from the producers of Survivor". I don't think that's a good marketing technique.

Damn you, writers strike.

6-year old children are lousy designated drivers.

I burned out on that Deal or No Deal quickly. I think I watched the first half dozen or so episodes, then they started doing crazy shit like inviting Donald Trump to give advice - as if he knows something about picking cases. Bankruptcy, sure. Boxing match with Rosie? You bet. Picking cases? I want Kreskin.

Anyway, I accidentally tuned in tonight and I see that there are now 7 million-dollar cases amongst the 26. Something tells me that they're a little desperate to give the money away, so they've "Little Leagued" it up by making it look like they've rigged the game. Is this supposed to make it more entertaining? Or less entertaining?
They took out all the high numbers, so that the highest before a million is $75,000. Sure, it seems like the game is stacked, but you've still got a 50% chance of getting less than a thousand bucks. Needless to say, I didn't leave it on long enough to find out if the contestant "won". I'd be willing to bet that she walked out with 10 dollars. Did anybody see the show?

By the way, why doesn't the title of the show have a question mark? Isn't it a question? It is.

So, a 6-year old in Colorado took his grandmother's car, presumably to drive to Applebee's. He positioned his car seat behind the steering wheel, started the car and drove it backwards into a power pole, knocking out power to a dozen homes. To comment on the sad state of parenting, the local dimwit checked in. "I have five children of my own, so I know you cannot watch them every minute they're awake," said nearby resident Nancy Hollis, whose power was knocked out by the accident.

"Where's your kid?"

"I dunno. I was calling QVC for one of them diamoneque lapel pins like Donny Osmond's sister has."

"Geez, there he is. He's smoking a cigarette and surfing!"

"Oh well, you can't watch them every minute. Put that surf board down!"

Maybe you could try watching them every other minute? Or at least long enough so they don't have enough time to power-up the family truckster.

I'm seeing an Applebee's ad campaign.

TRY OUR NEW 'CHILD-PROOF' MENU. BUY ONE, GET A FREE DUPLICATE SET OF KEYS FOR YOUR CHILD. HURRY AND BRING YOUR KIDS IN, BEFORE THEY DECIDE TO DRIVE THEMSELVES! WE LOVE YOUR KIDS!

Children under 6 are not eligible for the car keys promotion.

What Am I Doing Now?

I'm on Where's George, which, several of you may think is some sort of tracking device for the idiot son of our 41st president ... but, no. It's a tracking device for dollar bills that are stamped with the distinctive Where's George stamp. I came up with one at a local Wawa store near My Sick Headquarters and logged it in here.

Otherwise, my day has been spent rehearsing for my potential appearance on Deal or No Deal. I'm memorizing all the numbers ... 1 through 26. Labor intensive, I know, but I think it may pay off in the end. I'm also practicing my OCD-induced-fist-handshake so Howie won't hate me.

Meanwhile, political dumbass John Kerry shot himself (and the party) in the foot (or ass) with his stupid remark about either being educated or "stuck in Iraq", which prompted some Minnesota National Guard members in Iraq to scrawl out this inspired sign:Oy. John ... be a fountain, not a drain.

And then...
SYDNEY, Nov 2 (Reuters Life!) - Size really does count, just ask Australian underwear maker AussieBum which has just launched the "Wonderjock" for men who want to look bigger.

They have discovered a new Wonder Down Under.

"The design of the underwear, separates and lifts. The fabric cup protrudes everything out in front instead of down toward the ground," said "Wonderjock" designer Sean Ashby. Separates and lifts? Geez. Ashby said the idea for the "Wonderjock" was the result of online feedback from customers who expressed an interest in looking bigger, just like women using the "Wonderbra."

First, you idiot, it's not like women wearing the Wonderbra. Nobody outside of a carnival sideshow wants to see giant junk, your "feedback" notwithstanding. So, what ... are we supposed to wear this on the outside?

I have several sensible, modern female readers. Is this what you're looking for?

Vos o No Vas

Bienvenido, Bloggers.

EL GAMESHOW MÁS EXITOSO DEL PLANETA

Los fines de semana no serán lo mismo en Telemundo. Este programa te mantendrá al borde de tu asiento durante cada segundo y hasta el final. Muy Pronto. *

OK, that's enough of that nonsense. While working the channels the other night, I stumbled across my favorite non-English speaking TV channel, Telemundo. Usually, it's the scantily-clad women that catch my eye, but this time it was something else.

It was Vas o No Vas, the Spanish-language version of NBC's game show, Deal or No Deal, hosted by genial Hector Sandarti. It had all the Deal junk ... the steel cases, hot babes, the wacky contestants and goofy host. Although the cases were a little less fancy, the host a lot less bald (and quirky), the show looked like it was produced by college students and I didn't understand a word ... still, I couldn't turn away.

Forget that the top prize was a measley $250,000 (2,677,323 Pesos). When the contestants on the Deal show get down to that sum, I flip over to repeats of Everybody Loves Raymond.

But, to keep me interested, the babes (Las Bomboletz) are still hot...... and contrary to the English show, this one has a theme song. At the end, the winner holds a big novelty check and the babes dance around and sing the theme song. Es gran.

One interesting thing about it is that Vas o No Vas translates to "You Go or do not go". It's a lot catchier than the literal "Trate o ningún Trato". I go, Hector. Voy.

By the way, the girl in the red dress at the top is named Silvia es LaTentación, and if you think those are the most-fakest boobs you've ever seen, then I say usted tiene razón. I'm a white shirt and vest man, myself. Pero, soy un idiota.

Abra el caso.

* Welcome, Bloggers. The most successful game show on the planet. Weekends will not be the same thing in Telemundo. This program will maintain you at the edge of your seat during each second and even the end. Very Quick.

And, a big Gracias to the folks at Free2Professional Translation for the help.Yo no hablo español.