My Sick Mind

Take me out of the crowd ... I don't care if I ever get back . Well, I'm not so sure about that. Not returning from a ballgame sounds more like a Wes Craven horror movie than cheery song, and watching the Phillies these days is not something that makes us want to sing, as they continue to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. For $30, we find entertainment where it lays - and it isn't always on the field. When I'm out in public with the humans, I search for new sources of entertainment, and they seldom fail me. With the lure of the bobblehead doll summoning them to the ballpark like a Siren's song, there was yet another sell-out crowd who braved the continued threats of rain. The threats came not from the sky, but from the mouths of the forecasters, who continue to use their increasing technology to find new ways to make us believe them, even though they appear clueless. The forecast of a 70% chance of severe storms was belied by the partly cloudy skies overhead. ...

A recent editorial in the USA Today about my least-favorite entertainment phenomenon got me rankled enough to piss out a letter to the editor of that fine rag. If you'd like to read the editorial, click here . The editorial was titled Idol Worship , so I think you can guess my response, so be forewarned. Here is my letter, in its entirety. Note that I did not start with the customary "Dear", preferring to get right to the point: If it takes a television program like American Idol to bring America together, I fear the worst for our country. While it is true that, since the advent of cable, television "audiences are more fragmented and shows are more targeted, making it hard for the medium to serve as the electronic public square that it once did." However, it is also true that with the advent of over 100 channels on basic cable, there are more bad shows than ever, simply because there is so much more space to fill. And fill it they do. As has been said before, ...

HONOLULU - Fleming Beach Park, a mile-long crescent white sand beach on Maui's western shore featuring spectacular views of the Pacific Ocean and the rugged shores of Molokai Island, was named America's best beach in an annual list that also included two Florida beaches. International beach expert Stephen Leatherman, also known as "Dr. Beach," lauded Fleming for its year-round sunny weather, scenic views, pristine waters and amenities such as showers, grills for barbecuing, snack bar, picnic facilities and ample parking. Wow - what a big surprise, Doctor Beach. I hope you didn't get paid to do this research. God knows you can't find things like snack bars and ample parking anywhere like you can in Hawaii. Thanks so much for the valuable insights into the beaches of Hawaii. Without your guidance, I would have been wandering aimlessly along the shorelines of America searching for the best beach. Who knew it would be in Hawaii? Thanks for your invaluable assist...

These stories coincidentially appeared today: NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Chocolate lovers rejoice. A new study hints that eating milk chocolate may boost brain function. "Chocolate contains many substances that act as stimulants, such as theobromine, phenethylamine, and caffeine," Dr. Bryan Raudenbush from Wheeling Jesuit University in West Virginia noted in comments to Reuters Health. "These substances by themselves have previously been found to increase alertness and attention and what we have found is that by consuming chocolate you can get the stimulating effects, which then lead to increased mental performance." LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Marijuana smoking does not increase a person's risk of developing lung cancer, according to the findings of a new study at the University of California Los Angeles that surprised even the researchers. Dr. Donald Tashkin, senior researcher and professor at the UCLA School of Medicine theorized that tetrahydrocannabinol,...

WASHINGTON - Most states aren't doing enough to protect children from the diesel exhaust many of them inhale while riding or waiting for school buses, an environmental advocacy group said in a report Wednesday. "School buses can be a major source of pollution exposure for children," said Patricia Monahan, an analyst for the Union of Concerned Scientists. So there ya go - if your kids are goofy, blame the school. I smell a lawsuit. DETROIT - Aiming to capitalize on consumer angst about the high cost of gasoline, General Motors Corp. on Tuesday said it would cap pump prices at $1.99 for customers in California and Florida who buy certain vehicles by July 5. One hitch to the promotion is that customers must also agree to enroll in the OnStar vehicle diagnostic service, which is free for the first year but after that will cost $16.95 a month. The other is that many of the eligible vehicles are serious gas guzzlers. The credits can be used through December 2007. Consumers w...

Truly, there is a sucker born every minute. Between those minutes, there is born the person who will take advantage of the sucker. There is no shortage of either. Today, another e-mail came from my pals at Ticketmaster (born in the in-between minutes) , asking me if I would like to participate in an on-line auction for premium seats for the Pop Tarts of American Idol - you remember, I mused on it a few days ago. What followed was a list of tour dates, and prospective suckers were to click on their local venue and place a bid on the auction which will run for 7 agonizing days, where the high bid wins. The bidding starts at $100, even though the fourth row tickets have a "face value" of $90. Already I'm annoyed. Seats in the front row have a face value of $160. You'd have to pay me $160 just to use the rest room in the same building as this concert. Shitting my pants would be a viable option. I only found out that the minimum bid was $100 after I placed my initial bi...

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - The Minnesota Legislature finally approved the Twins-Hennepin County new ballpark plan early Sunday morning. "Today's vote signals the end of a decade-long debate," said Twins owner Carl Pohlad, 90, whose worth is estimated at nearly $3 billion. He is among the wealthiest men in America. "This is a wonderful, historic day for the Minnesota Twins franchise and millions of baseball fans across the upper Midwest." $392 million of the $522 million cost would be paid by taxpayers. Three-fourths of the funding would come from a sales tax in Hennepin County, which would take effect without going to voters for approval. It's also a wonderful day for Pohlad, who is using only about 4% of his $3,000,000,000 wealth on his team's ballpark. I guess we cannot fault him for it, since the suckers in Minnesota are willing to foot the bill through more taxes. I hope they're happy in the Land of 10,000 Lakes , because they're doing their p...

During the investigations of the Nixon administration and their associates following the break-in at the Watergate hotel, reporters Woodward and Bernstein were told by their informant to "follow the money". That axiom is true in all aspects of life, regardless of politics or function. As we see now, it also applies to the animal kingdom and their tenuious relationship with the humans. Unless you were in a cave over the weekend, you know that potential Triple Crown winner Barbaro came up lame at the start of the Preakness on Saturday with what turned out to be multiple injuries to his right-rear ankle. It was sad and painful to watch, which didn't prevent the TV news folks from showing it repeatedly. I was almost driven to tears while watching it live, knowing the consequenses that awaited the horse, as well as the pain that the animal must have felt. There is even a painful-to-watch front page photograph of Barbaro's dangling foot, right there on the front page of my ...

THIS PASSES FOR NEWS : Honolulu - Duane "Dog" Chapman, star of A&E's reality show "Dog the Bounty Hunter," has married his longtime sidekick, Beth Smith. The sunset ceremony on the Big Island took place Saturday, a day after the death of Chapman's daughter. Barbara Katy Chapman, 23, was killed in a car accident near her home of Fairbanks, Alaska. Chapman gathered with his 10 surviving children - two of whom he had with Smith - and discussed whether to proceed with the wedding. "They all decided unanimously they should celebrate the wedding and her life," said Michael Feeney, senior vice president of A&E television network. The wedding will be featured in an Aug. 8 episode of the show. So, another made-for-TV celebrity gets some free pub, while his life is played out for our entertainment. Meanwhile, his daughter isn't cold in the ground. I suppose postponing the wedding would have put the show behind schedule. God forbid. They'...