My Sick Mind

The Winter Olympics . Or, as the snobs would say: The Games of the XXI Olympiad. Great, another sport with Roman numerals. That's 21 I think. It's cold in some parts of the world (and some parts of the United States ) and there are people who know exactly how to ski and fire a weapon or how to jump off a big ramp wearing skis or to waddle cross-country on ... skis. Here, not so much. Our skiing is limited to going on expensive vacations, going downhill on something they call a "black diamond course" and retiring to the chalet for beers and medical attention. We wouldn't know a luge if it crashed into us, and now everybody will know what a luge is. Imagine lying face-up on a sled being pulled by a car at a high rate of speed and randomly tossed from side to side and the only way you can stop yourself is to hit something or continue sliding until you come to a stop. It sounds like something you'd give a kid for his birthday if you really hated the kid. Nodar ...

During our latest bout with nature's wrath, I started thinking about the United States and the places we call home. What I came up with was that vast parts of the country are uninhabitable, and if we were explorers from another world, we would render these places ill suited for human habitation, yet they are the places with the highest population densities in the country. Explain. I even made a map (right) to show where those places are located. Conversely, the areas that seem to be the most inhabitable are the least populated. What's wrong with us? I equate it to our love of fatty foods, alcohol and cigarettes. We know they're killing us, yet we embrace the lifestyle and dare people to tell us to stop. Let's analyze the areas, shall we? The northeast is way too susceptible to snow and cold to be worth living in, yet millions call Boston, Hartford and Albany home. The southeast coast is ravaged with hurricanes on a routine basis, and the "best vacation spots...

Flabby old John Madden used to do ads for Ace Hardware , and he'd say their slogan, "Ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks" and you'd figure it was just an ad slogan, but sometimes slogans are really meaningful. As faithful readers know, I have been searching ad nauseum for a snow shovel. What at first seemed like a simple task in February had become something of a chore to the extent of it being a quest, like the Holy Grail or one of those dates with a woman that I keep hearing about. Having visited several so-called "Big Box" retailers (spelled The Home Depot and Lowe's ), a K-Mart and Sears, I turned my lonely eyes to an Ace Hardware store at 129 N. White Horse Pike in Hammonton, NJ ; a few miles from where I work. I wandered in after lunch today and was greeted by a red-shirted employee who asked (as had the big box people) "How can I help you?" I didn't see any shovels near the entrance, so my question was tinged with...

I'm nothing if not persistent. To the point that it becomes less about the object I'm buying than it is about just finding it. I think it comes from my woebegone days as a baseball card collector looking for the random error card of a guy who was lucky to be in the big leagues to begin with. Months of searching to spend 25 cents just so I could say I found the damned thing. Such is the case with the elusive snow shovel. To recap, check here . Just as we are digging out of the 28 inches of snow that was dumped on us on Saturday, another foot or so is expected on Wednesday. Since I was lucky enough to find the leftover Mexican snow shovels in the shed the last time, I figure that luck can't continue, so I took out for The Home Depot with the misplaced optimism that three days would have made some difference in their snow shovel inventory. As I entered, I was accosted by one of those orange-bibbed workers, asking, "How can I help you?" "You can tell me that...

The Sun seems to be doing a better job at snow clearing than our local plow people. Granted, they were probably out for about 36 hours straight, but you'd have to think that the hardest part of the job is staying awake. Start the truck, put the plow down and drive pretty much sums it up. Even if they fell asleep behind the wheel, what's the worst that could happen? They accidently plow somebody's driveway. That's a win-win. Meanwhile, what's up with cell phone plans? I have a crappy Pantech Slate phone that is only good for one thing: It doesn't take up a lot of space. Otherwise, it's kind of crappy. So, I wandered into the local Radio Shack to see if I could upgrade to something ... well, better. But since my contract isn't up until August, I'm stuck with this piece of crap until the summer. Why would they discriminate against a 10-plus year customer merely because he made a bad choice? They put those stickers over the display at the store, so y...

It wasn't as bad as it looked. The local news said we got 28.5 inches, but it didn't seem like it. I didn't measure, and frankly I don't care to. They're calling it " Snowmageddon " on the Internet. That's nice. The Spanish-American Army came through and plowed most of the parking lot late last night. Since I slept part of the early evening away, I had plenty of energy around midnight, so I went out and dug my car and two others out of their crusty snow capsule. I had only intended to do mine, but the Spanish Army left some shovels in that shed to the right of my car, so I had something better to dig with. I suppose they got to Lowe's before I did . I wound up doing three because I thought I was digging out the car of the cute girl that lives downstairs, but it turned out to be a different car. Since it was after midnight I assumed they were both asleep, and should be pleasantly surprised to find their cars shoveled around. I didn't go n...