My Sick Mind

This 18" x 10" box was waiting on my doorstep when I got home tonight. "What could it be?" I wondered quietly to myself. I knew I had placed a small order from Amazon, but what could be in such a large box? A small box, as it turns out. This relatively tiny box of creatine tablets (bigger, faster, stronger) was inside, with a year's supply of packing material. I win. Earlier, at the Wawa, a nice clerk asked me if I wanted a separate bag for my sandwich, to separate it from the fat-free chips and salted almonds that completed my order. Um ... no. And just an hour ago at Zallie's Shop Rite ( again ) the cashier asked me if I wanted "all this in one bag." The all this included a bag of bird seed, box of cereal and bottle of Red Yeast Rice tablets. Yeah, I think one bag can handle all that. My reply: "I prefer it." Too many boxes and too many plastic bags. My hands work just fine.

I'm old enough to remember backyard leaf-burnings during the autumn. The smell of a leaf fire was a rite of passage for young people in the 1960s. We'd rake the fallen leaves into a big pile and set them ablaze, then do a gleeful little dance. The embers would scatter into the same wind that brought them to the ground. The great cycle of life . At some point in our development as a society, we decided that burning leaves in the backyard was either (or both) an environmental or safety hazard. It's as though our habit was irresponsible, and we are supposed to sit back and marvel at how we never burned the neighborhood down or inhaled enough smoke to go to the emergency room. I suppose we were impervious? Or perhaps now, we tend to think too much. When leaf-burning became taboo, it gave rise to a new technology - the leaf blower. A backpack contraption, fueled by gasoline that makes more noise than a small aircraft engine. Somehow, this is seen as being better than raking a...

This is the beauty of Newark, NJ as seen from my hotel window, with the lovely view of the roof and air conditioner vent. I'm in the garden spot of the Garden State attending a conference. Fortunately, I have Internet access courtesy of my company at the bargain rate of $9.99 per day. So, I'm under a little pressure to make the content worth the price. Fat chance. The first thing I saw when I flipped on the TV was the Miss USA pageant, proudly proclaimed as being broadcast "LIVE" from Las Vegas, Nevada - seemingly the last place where a beauty pageant could be tolerated. I really thought we had progressed as a society beyond such mundane rituals, but sadly, we have not. Donald Trump is the sponsor, which should tell you everything you need to know about the content. However, it was made to look like a MENSA convention by contrast when I changed channels and saw "Survivor" contestants stacking dishes on a stick. What has happened to TV? I had it on long eno...

Gimme a reason. What's in your brain? - Umphrey's McGee "Andy's Last Beer" I don't know what people are thinking no more than I know what bears or ducks are thinking. They're thinking something, for sure, but what - I do not know. Like waiting around for the telephone to ring (or whatever it is that phones do now) is horrifying. The people we're waiting on don't know the anguish they are putting us through. All they know is what's in their brain - which isn't close to what's in ours. That's the worst. The call wait. It's agonizing. But it makes a nice haiku: give me a reason. i don't know what you're thinking. what is in your brain? OK. That's out of my system. People tell me I'm "a catch." I think it's like those little sunfish we used to catch out of the lake back home. Small enough to throw back but not nice enough to keep or care about. Part of our Internet-based throwaway society is that we ...

I am a weirdo. Never is it more apparent than when the "whole world" is doing something and I'm doing something else. The Olympics were a case in point. While the rest of the world was watching Lindsey Vonn and her broken pinkie finger, Yoko Ono and his speed skating and the hockey; I was over on MSNBC watching curling. It isn't like you flip this on and watch for a few minutes. Curling matches last 3 hours, and to some are as exciting as watching the clock move. I like the strategy and look of the game. Plus, it isn't like we see curling on TV a lot - which is exactly what I'm getting at here. I was extremely disappointed (and even a little sad) to watch the Canadian women's team lose their gold medal match to Sweden last night. It came down to an extra end and one stone thrown by skip Cheryl Bernard that narrowly missed giving the Canadians the gold in front of 5,600 home country fans that would have probably cracked the ice with their cheers. It...

How do you practice the ski jump? A little at a time, I'm guessing. Start out with a 10 foot hill and move up to the big 300-footers? "OK, this one's gonna be a little bit bigger." Then, you just push him down. Falling down a hill on skis wearing spandex. And that helmet? It's very colorful. It seems more like a test of nerve than a sport. I'm watching the speed skaters. I always thought that if I could try anything in the winter Olympics, it would be speed skating. I'm way too frightened to ski or snowboard, I can't (won't) figure skate and I don't do hockey. I'd like to try speed skating, but I don't think I could wear sunglasses like some of them. Why do they wear sunglasses? What color is Bob Costas' hair? On a brighter note, our Phillies season tickets came in the mail today. Unlike the groundhog, it means that there is only 8 more weeks of winter, then the ballparks open up and the cracks of the bats begin. April 5 will ...

Tiger Woods is in sex rehab. He's in some sort of facility that is supposed to "cure" him of his alleged addiction to sex. It's interesting on many levels, not the least of which is that one can say he is addicted to sex and get a pass on all that junk he did in the name of medical science or psychiatry. We gleefully sell drugs to give men a longer lasting erection to the point that we put the ads on when kids are watching TV, then have the nerve to call sex an addiction. The other thing that is interesting about Tiger's stint in the joint is that while he is in there he is to be celibate. No activity of any kind, with himself or others, while he is undergoing his treatment. I find it fascinating that we choose to treat one extreme condition with another. How does that teach moderation? I wonder what the recidivist rate is at this place? He is supposed to emerge a new man, free of all his womanizing ways. I suppose he'll come out with some "one day at ...

I know there's a World Series going on, but in the interests of equal time, I'll present this thought-riddled essay on life and living. Have a seat. My blogger buddy Howard posted this haiku the other day about our behavioral quirks and how our self-consciousness affects the way we behave: beneath the facade is a me so seldom seen; peel back the layers It got me to thinking about an old thought and something I struggle with when I'm forced to struggle with it. When I'm talking to parents and they're talking about the behavior of their children I tell them that even though I have no children, I know that there are three types of personalities, and they're based on which one of the Three Stooges their children resemble, Moe, Larry or Curly. I tell them to evaluate which one their kid is and which ones their kids are friends with, because the similarities are important. I know it sounds stupid, but follow along: Moe is the leader. He's the one that the o...

They're going to do a makeover on Susan Boyle to glam her up for her new CD and some folks don't like the idea: Britain's Got Talent judge Amanda Holden said: "She needs to stay exactly as she is because that's the reason we love her. She just looks like anybody who could live on your street. "The minute we turn her into a glamourpuss is when it's spoilt. For now we'll keep her exactly as she is because that's why we've all fallen in love with her." That's right - she said spoilt . They also call it Britian's Got Talent, so who knows what language they're speaking over there. Anyway, I find it interesting that they seem to like her because she's not a "glamourpuss." I suppose, if she was an attractive woman she wouldn't have gotten on TV and become famous. It's strange to me that her odd looks are what attracted some people to her voice, which is exactly what happened. As if they couldn't believe...

HARTFORD, Conn. – The Supreme Court ruling in favor of white New Haven firefighters who said they were victims of reverse discrimination will probably leave employers confused, civil rights advocates and labor attorneys say. I don’t know about the employers, but it’s leaving me confused. I’ve seen the term reverse discrimination several times and I’m never sure what it means, except that it sounds ridiculous. The dictionary defines discrimination as “treatment or consideration of, or making a distinction in favor of or against, a person or thing based on the group, class or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit.” If that’s the case (and it is) then what is “reverse discrimination?” Why is the term discrimination confined to people of color and “reverse” when it happens to white people? If something is discriminatory, it doesn’t matter whom the action is against. By definition, reverse discrimination means you are treating people fairly, an...

It turned out that pitchman Billy Mays (some job description, eh?) died from hypertensive heart disease, and not a blow to the head as originally assumed. You can bet that there was a collective sigh of relief over at US Airways. Oh yes. It's a lot easier to sue some company for being hit on the head by a carry-on bag during a landing than it is to sue a company over a lifetime of bad eating habits. I wonder if anyone has ever been killed by being hit on the head by a carton of cigarettes? There's a lawsuit for you. Death, as well as being a cure for disease, is good for sales. Eight of the top ten downloaded tracks and 7 of the top ten downloaded albums on Rhapsody (Real Player's music service) are Michael Jackson recordings. As though his death suddenly reminded people, "You know, I don't own any of his songs. It's about time I owned all of his songs." Strange behavior. Now that Michael's dead, I can find a good excuse to say I liked him . We...

I have a ticket for the Wilmington Blue Rocks game tonight. Big deal, right? Uh huh. Little did I know, it's dog night: Bring your dog out to Frawley Stadium as Concord Pet Food & Supplies will be sponsoring Dog Days of Summer. Me and two thousand dogs. Geez. That's worse than going to Singles Night at Jenny Craig. Why don't they ever have Cat Night? I might take him anyway. Ten bucks says I step in poop. We had a thunderstorm warning last night. The warning said that "lightning is one of nature's number one killers." As though there could be more than one number one killer. Nobody is editing the weather forecast. Or this blog. A riddle for you: If a chair sits in the woods, does it make a sound?

"Michael Jackson is a 5 asshole having, pterodactyl marrying, werewolf raping, baby dangler." - Patton Oswalt Every time someone near my age dies I start thinking about my own mortality. Michael Jackson was only a year younger than me, but his dying didn't make me think much. He was like a piece of fine china - a little to fragile to be human. I always wanted the job of the guy who used to walk behind him holding the umbrella. If you can't go outdoors without an umbrella over your head, you're way too dainty. Although, I guess he only had one or two layers of skin left, so it stands to reason. The odd juxtaposition of always wearing a germ mask and having a pet chimpanzee is too bizarre to explain. Now, as death often does, the bizarre stories of his life will come to light. What's the over/under for the number of posthumous biographies? I say ten before the end of the year. First though, the autopsy should be very interesting. Michael Jackson died. Now the...

I love those green envelopes that come in the mail from my condo association. They're always full of such good cheer. Wednesday's missive was especially wonderful: PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO FULLY READ THIS IMPORTANT NOTICE it said, underlined so that we wouldn't miss the 16-point type face. "It has come to the attention of the Country Creek Board of Trustees (BOT) that person are entering the Country Creek pool compound during hours when the pool is not open." Egad. On several occasions recently, sections of the fence surrounding the pool compound have been cut to gain access to the pool area. The nerve. Each time the fence is damaged by vandalism, the repairs cost the association money, which in turn, costs you [underlined] the homeowners/residents, money. [me] Within the next two weeks, cameras will be installed around the pool compound to ensure its integrity. We are fortunate to have a big beautiful pool and pool compound (there's compound again) to e...

Every time an athlete signs a lucrative contract, the griping begins. "These Goddamned ballplayers make too much Goddamned money!" The guy complaining is usually by a guy wearing a uniform top and ball cap. What you never hear is anyone griping about what actors or TV stars earn. Or supermodels. Here is a list that Forbes magazine put together of what the top 5 supermodels (should supermodels be capitalized?) earned last year. Gisele Bündchen $25 Million Heidi Klum $16 Million Kate Moss $8.5 Million Adriana Lima $8 Million Doutzen Kroes $6 Million I guess I don't live in the supermodel world, because I couldn't pick Doutzen Kroes out of a police lineup, so maybe I'm a little biased here. (For reference, that's her on the right) We live in a world where someone can earn a 7-figure salary based on nothing more than the way they look. Pardon me if I think that's a little screwy. OK, a lot screwy. Men in the crowd will proclaim, "She's worth every...

The haikubreakup site published one that I submitted. Click here to read it. I've heard the phrase "John and Kate plus eight" about a hundred times over the past week and I have absolutely no idea what it means. Is it a TV show or are they real people? Or both? As I sit here, ABC is televising the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I'm not watching it, because I don't think kids spelling is captivating television, but I'll bet a week's pay that some kid with a foreign name wins it. No way somebody named Adam Smith or Jane Williams can spell better than a kid who was probably born in another country. They win the Geography Bee too, the foreigners. It's probably because we're so ethnocentric that we don't know or care which country borders Yemen or the name of the longest river in Bolivia. It doesn't concern us until we're sending troops in - then we're experts. A gay student at Fairfax High School in Los Angeles named Sergio Garcia...

It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or an automotive engineer) to figure out why General Motors (note the "general" in their name) is in trouble or why the others are scrambling to figure out why they're losing money hand over clenched fist. Look no further than the hybrid car market. Let's start with the Nissan Altima and its little brother, the Nissan Altima Hybrid. The Altima has a base sticker price of $19,900 and gets (EPA estimated) 23mpg city and 31mpg highway. The Altima Hybrid has a base sticker price of $26,650 and gets (EPA estimated) 25mpg city and 33mpg highway. The higher city mileage is because it's running on battery power. Even so, the extra $7,500 doesn't make sense when you figure in an extra 2 miles per gallon of gasoline. You'd have to be a hard-core tree hugger to shell out $7,500 and get literally nothing in return other than the satisfaction of running a car on batteries for a short time. By comparison, the Versa and Sentra ...

On Saturday I took-in a Wilmington Blue Rocks game. For those of you unaware, the Blue Rocks are the Class A affiliate of the Kansas City Royals. A minor league baseball team. I used to go more often, then I kind of let it slide, so to speak. Earlier this year, I ordered an 8-game partial season package so I could go on eight Saturday nights. The games start at 6, the parking is free and the ballpark is less than 45 minutes from home, so why wasn't I going more often? Exactly the question I asked myself. They have a nice ballclub down there. Lots of good hitters and an exciting brand of baseball. Granted, you have to be a baseball fan to appreciate the minor leagues, which is where I come in. In addition to a third row seat being 8 dollars, the concession prices are reasonable and the team treats its fans with respect and gives out a lot of SWAG (Stuff We All Get) which is both a good marketing device and a nice treat for those of us who go to the games. It's a great ballp...

I sometimes forget what we've been through together, and I hope you don't.

Daylight saving time . The lasting legacy of Benjamin Franklin and George W. Bush. Franklin, because he wanted an extra hour of daylight to do farming and Bush because it was the best idea he had to stem the tide of wasted energy. Neither one of them does me any good on Sunday morning. We've long since abandoned the Agrarian society and George W. Bush, so why do we need to continue this nonsense? So here I sit in the darkness, waiting for 2am so that I can move the clock ahead an hour thus saving me daylight. I understand completely. Otherwise, I'd have to set the alarm for 2am so that I could accurately move the clock. It's all about accuracy. If I moved the clock ahead an hour at 10pm, it's possible that I'd be four hours ahead when I woke up (eventually) on Sunday morning. Isn't that how it works? Daylight saving time makes us think we're saving time while we're wasting it.