My Sick Mind

A long time ago, somebody said something about getting to bed early, and how it makes you want to get up early, and that somehow it's a good idea. As for me, whenever I go to bed early, it just makes me get up at some ridiculous hour because my body clock isn't accustomed to doing something that people did in the 19th Century. I was in bed at 9:30pm and now it's 3:25am. It figures, because I'm usually in bed around midnight and getting up at 6, so I guess mathematically it works out. I'm lucky to have the blog because otherwise, I'd be out roaming the streets. For now, I'll have to settle for roaming the Internet. As it turns out, some folks are into out of shape strippers . I'm wondering if I've missed a potential career path. Why bother trying to stay in shape when I can eat Tacos and get paid to have women put money in my crotch? What a waste of time college was. There's probably a very narrow demographic for women who want to see fat naked me...

You're dying to know more about the Heineken Draughtkeg , right? Well, I was, which is why I went out and bought one. The first thing you notice is that it's smaller than it looks on the TV. As you can see from the carefully posed photo [right] it's both portable and potable. The tap snaps onto the top, and you're promised fresh beer for 30 days after tapping. It holds "1.33 gallons of lager beer", (or 20 8-ounce glasses) so 30 days should just about do it. It's perfect for single people who like draft beer, football tailgate parties or dragging along to a party to impress your friends. My local store sells them already chilled, otherwise you have to cool it for 10 hours before it's ready to drink, and it fits nicely in your kitchen refrigerator. Heineken isn't necessarily my first choice for beer, but this thing is so cool that I just had to check it out. Now, if we can get the Samuel Adams guys on the job, we'll really have something. One st...

Some help for the men: Apparently, the guy who had just left the liquor store had made a dubious choice, and I overheard this comment... CLERK: If you're a guy and you're buying Smirnoff Ice ... [shakes head] ME: ... just buy the vodka and get it over with? CLERK: Yep. So, men; just so you'll know that when you choose Smirnoff Ice, you're making a statement. I'm here to help. And it appears that there will be plenty of men in need of help in Colorado, where one elementary school is effectively cutting off their gonads... COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo . - An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will. "It causes a lot of conflict on the playground," said Cindy Fesgen, assistant principal of the Discovery Canyon Campus school. Running games are still allowed as long as students don't chase each other, she said. In 2005, two elementary schools in the nearby Falcon School ...

As Joe Miller says in Philadelphia , "Now, explain it to me like I'm a four-year-old." How can a person give $12 million to a dog? Dead former hotel queen Leona Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will , which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court. I've heard about things like this, but I think it's always been in fiction - some TV show or movie where a dog or cat gets money that could have otherwise gone to relatives or charities. I'm not too smart, so explain it to me like I'm a four-year old. How can a person legally give money to a dog? Where does that money go - really? The dog will be dead in a few years. What happens to the money? If we had any brains, dear readers, we would track down the dog, tease him relentlessly until he snaps and bites; then sue his furry ass for $12 million. That's what I'm thinking.

I'm not sure how often, or what the circumstances are that surround it, but every so often I get to thinking that the blog is a bit of a mental drain. It's a bit of a chore to upkeep at those times, especially when life has settled into a malaise where there isn't much to write about and the news is so bland that I can't get excited enough about it to get anything rant-worthy. This is one of "those" times. Oh ... there's the gay-not-gay Senator Larry Craig from Idaho who went through the ritual fellatio dance in a men's rest room at an airport, which wouldn't be news, except the guy he solicited was a police officer on a stake out. I had this whole His Own Private Idaho thing going on in my head, with all the salacious puns I could think of ... but it just didn't seem to be blog-worthy. But, see - I'm from New Jersey, and soliciting gay sex in an airport rest room is just so ... Idaho. We've been there, done that . I had a little thin...

Q: Why are you hitting yourself on the head? When I started this blog, one out of every five posts was some rant about the goofy Mo-Fo in the White House and whatever new stupid thing he was up to. He's an easy target, but one that wears body armor that is impervious to words. Soon, I would come to realize that he and his gang live inside their own heads, and are neither moved by our words or particularly interested in what we have to say. I gave up my ranting, figuring that I would live longer, and if I left the ranting up to the people that we elected to do it, that having them closer to the action would make what they said much more effective than anything I could come up with. All the while, I continued to get e-mail updates from the folks at MoveOn and the Democratic National Committee, asking for money and reminding me that the boob and his pals are still in Washington. I remember. For those who continue to wage war against the War in Iraq, their plaintive cries are being ...

It's great that we have advanced far enough as a society that television can advertise erectile dysfunction drugs at 8pm, and warn against "erections lasting more than 4 hours" , while during those same hours, an actor cannot use certain words that may be deemed offensive to viewers. Viva Viagra, but don't say "cocksucker". You really gotta check out this Heineken web site for their new Draught keg. It's an interesting idea, but I'm left wondering what we are supposed to do with the empty keg. My hope was that we could take it back to the retailer and he would have the Heineken boys pick it up when they dropped off new ones, but no. They tell us it's recyclable, but I don't know which pile it is supposed to go in. It sounds to me as though Heineken is leaving it up to consumers, and that's seldom a good idea. By the way, the Heineken Keg commercial came immediately after the drunk driving ad that tells us that police are cracking down....