I'm either up late or awake early

A long time ago, somebody said something about getting to bed early, and how it makes you want to get up early, and that somehow it's a good idea. As for me, whenever I go to bed early, it just makes me get up at some ridiculous hour because my body clock isn't accustomed to doing something that people did in the 19th Century. I was in bed at 9:30pm and now it's 3:25am. It figures, because I'm usually in bed around midnight and getting up at 6, so I guess mathematically it works out. I'm lucky to have the blog because otherwise, I'd be out roaming the streets. For now, I'll have to settle for roaming the Internet.

As it turns out, some folks are into out of shape strippers. I'm wondering if I've missed a potential career path. Why bother trying to stay in shape when I can eat Tacos and get paid to have women put money in my crotch? What a waste of time college was. There's probably a very narrow demographic for women who want to see fat naked men, but really - how much do you really have to work? Two or three parties a week should be enough to keep you going. Plus, that fast food is kinda cheap, so it isn't like you'd be shopping at the Whole Foods or anything. Every dollar in your pants is another ninety-nine cent Big Mac in your belly. I think my stripper name would be Chubsy-Ubsy. Or Pat Magroin.

Elsewhere on the site, they say that they can Tape Your Party!!! A Tasteful Temptations Camera Man can Tape your whole party or event. We can make make copies for everyone there!!!

First, let me say that I'm a big fan of the multiple exclamation points. As for the party, why not make as many copies as possible? Make one for you, your wife or girlfriend and her lawyer. Once it becomes entered as evidence, it becomes property of the state and you will need another copy, so make an extra one for yourself.

I could go on rambling, but it's 3:45 now, and I just watched this video on YouTube, and now I need to get some rest ...

The world's biggest can of beer

You're dying to know more about the Heineken Draughtkeg, right? Well, I was, which is why I went out and bought one. The first thing you notice is that it's smaller than it looks on the TV. As you can see from the carefully posed photo [right] it's both portable and potable.

The tap snaps onto the top, and you're promised fresh beer for 30 days after tapping. It holds "1.33 gallons of lager beer", (or 20 8-ounce glasses) so 30 days should just about do it.

It's perfect for single people who like draft beer, football tailgate parties or dragging along to a party to impress your friends.

My local store sells them already chilled, otherwise you have to cool it for 10 hours before it's ready to drink, and it fits nicely in your kitchen refrigerator.

Heineken isn't necessarily my first choice for beer, but this thing is so cool that I just had to check it out. Now, if we can get the Samuel Adams guys on the job, we'll really have something.

One store around here sells it for 17 bucks and another for twenty, so guess how much I paid?

Two hints: One, you're going to get some foam on the initial pour, so take it easy. It pours easily, and the tap is sensitive. Two: It dribbles after it shoots, so put a paper towel on the refrigerator shelf. It sets up easily, after you break the tap out of its blister pack. The beer is good, though. Fresh and smooth.

And, as I wondered last week, I'm open to suggestions as to what to do with the empty keg - which I do not anticipate stretching to its 30-day limit.

The beverage of choice for amorphic men

Some help for the men:

Apparently, the guy who had just left the liquor store had made a dubious choice, and I overheard this comment...

CLERK: If you're a guy and you're buying Smirnoff Ice ... [shakes head]

ME: ... just buy the vodka and get it over with?

CLERK: Yep.

So, men; just so you'll know that when you choose Smirnoff Ice, you're making a statement. I'm here to help.

And it appears that there will be plenty of men in need of help in Colorado, where one elementary school is effectively cutting off their gonads...

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will. "It causes a lot of conflict on the playground," said Cindy Fesgen, assistant principal of the Discovery Canyon Campus school. Running games are still allowed as long as students don't chase each other, she said. In 2005, two elementary schools in the nearby Falcon School District did away with tag and similar games in favor of alternatives with less physical contact.

Do I really have to go on a rant about over-protective schools and parents? Good. When these kids are 21, they'll be stocking up on Smirnoff Ice and drinking other asexual beverages. Is it vodka or beer? We don't know. Are we men or women?

So, stock up on the Smirnoff Ice, guys. Soon, you'll be chased against your will, too. Just don't let them tag ya.

A rich bitch

As Joe Miller says in Philadelphia, "Now, explain it to me like I'm a four-year-old." How can a person give $12 million to a dog?

Dead former hotel queen Leona Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court.

I've heard about things like this, but I think it's always been in fiction - some TV show or movie where a dog or cat gets money that could have otherwise gone to relatives or charities. I'm not too smart, so explain it to me like I'm a four-year old.

How can a person legally give money to a dog? Where does that money go - really? The dog will be dead in a few years. What happens to the money?

If we had any brains, dear readers, we would track down the dog, tease him relentlessly until he snaps and bites; then sue his furry ass for $12 million.

That's what I'm thinking.

One of those days

I'm not sure how often, or what the circumstances are that surround it, but every so often I get to thinking that the blog is a bit of a mental drain. It's a bit of a chore to upkeep at those times, especially when life has settled into a malaise where there isn't much to write about and the news is so bland that I can't get excited enough about it to get anything rant-worthy. This is one of "those" times.

Oh ... there's the gay-not-gay Senator Larry Craig from Idaho who went through the ritual fellatio dance in a men's rest room at an airport, which wouldn't be news, except the guy he solicited was a police officer on a stake out. I had this whole His Own Private Idaho thing going on in my head, with all the salacious puns I could think of ... but it just didn't seem to be blog-worthy. But, see - I'm from New Jersey, and soliciting gay sex in an airport rest room is just so ... Idaho. We've been there, done that.

I had a little thing about another supermarket experience, but I've exhausted the supermarket rant to the point that it just isn't super anymore. The standard jackass in the "Express" lane, who stands there blankly while the cashier rings up his order and bags the groceries, while the rest of us wait [not so] patiently. My inner voice was saying, "Grab a bag, chief. I want to get home before the next lunar eclipse," but my all outer voice could do was an eye roll and a gentle smirk, and as I noticed that he was wearing flip-flops, I figured that maybe he shouldn't be too close to plastic bags. Fear of suffocation and all.

So, today will be your day of rest, and mine, too. Take a break. In the meantime, this is kind of cool - even if it is bullshit:

A: Because it feels so good when I stop.

Q: Why are you hitting yourself on the head?

When I started this blog, one out of every five posts was some rant about the goofy Mo-Fo in the White House and whatever new stupid thing he was up to. He's an easy target, but one that wears body armor that is impervious to words.

Soon, I would come to realize that he and his gang live inside their own heads, and are neither moved by our words or particularly interested in what we have to say. I gave up my ranting, figuring that I would live longer, and if I left the ranting up to the people that we elected to do it, that having them closer to the action would make what they said much more effective than anything I could come up with.

All the while, I continued to get e-mail updates from the folks at MoveOn and the Democratic National Committee, asking for money and reminding me that the boob and his pals are still in Washington. I remember.

For those who continue to wage war against the War in Iraq, their plaintive cries are being met with the Superman-like chest thrust from Washington...

WASHINGTON - More than 90 percent of the Army's new recruits since late July have accepted a $20,000 "quick-ship" bonus to leave for basic combat training by the end of September, putting thousands of Americans into uniform almost immediately.
Many recruits who take the bonus - receiving in many cases the equivalent of more than a year's pay - leave their homes within days, recruiters said. The initiative is part of an effort by Army officials to meet year-end recruiting goals after a two-month slump earlier this year. With the fiscal year ending September 30, the Army hopes the extra cash motivates those interested in joining or entices those considering enlisting.

It seems that the Republicans have figured out the perfect American solution to a problem. Throw money at it. If all it takes is $20,000 to get a soldier to hurry up and fight, then what chance does a protest movement have? The government prints money, and there is an endless supply of it to give out to keep this thing going.

So, keep screaming, Take a Stand, live out your Vietnam era war protest fantasy - whatever - if it makes you feel better. Chances are, all it will do is raise your blood pressure and make you constipated. You can't fight two enemies. One here and one abroad. As for me, I'm out. I'll live longer by not being so worked up over something that I cannot change. I don't complain about the weather, either, and that's worked out great for me. They know we don't approve of the war, the president or most of the people he hires, but like a hurricane, we have to wait for it to pass through and rebuild. It's the destructive nature of Republican policy and storms. There's an election in 15 months, and until then, we'll have to hold onto a tree or run to our storm cellar until this thing blows over. Grab some canned goods and dig in.

Bits and things

It's great that we have advanced far enough as a society that television can advertise erectile dysfunction drugs at 8pm, and warn against "erections lasting more than 4 hours", while during those same hours, an actor cannot use certain words that may be deemed offensive to viewers. Viva Viagra, but don't say "cocksucker".

You really gotta check out this Heineken web site for their new Draught keg. It's an interesting idea, but I'm left wondering what we are supposed to do with the empty keg. My hope was that we could take it back to the retailer and he would have the Heineken boys pick it up when they dropped off new ones, but no. They tell us it's recyclable, but I don't know which pile it is supposed to go in. It sounds to me as though Heineken is leaving it up to consumers, and that's seldom a good idea. By the way, the Heineken Keg commercial came immediately after the drunk driving ad that tells us that police are cracking down. Can they have it both ways?

Speaking of which, every time I see a huge vehicle with one or two passengers, it gets me to wondering why they bought the thing to begin with? A co-worker is currently vehicle shopping, and she is looking for an SUV. Why? She's single, lives alone and the rear seats will never see an ass. Too often, my travels are polluted with giant Yukon's or Expedition's with a lone driver and this weekend, I started noticing how many of them wander the streets with no rear-seat passengers. It's just a waste, and people, under the guise of believing that they are either safer or more secure, buy the things.

Range Rover is running a radio ad for their 4-wheel drive vehicle saying that "the odds of encountering nature's wrath is 9 to 1", so if you're caught in that situation, you want a Range Rover to get you out of it. 9 to 1 odds are precisely the reason why you do not need one. When the weather is bad, you stay home, and a 9% chance of bad weather isn't enough to get me to spend that much for a vehicle.

Eagles coach Andy Reid was born at the wrong time. In a society where scandal and impropriety is front page news, he has decided that he will not talk about his son's second arrest and accusation of being caught in a vehicle with 33 pills of a prescription nature. Thirty years ago, Andy could skate on this, but now, the media smells blood and they want quotes. Andy isn't giving them any, and it's surely pissing them off.

The Eagles are on national TV on Sunday, against the Steelers. John Madden is one of the commentators, and many of my younger friends have grown tired of his banter and generally don't like him anymore. I think most people under the age of 30 only know his name because it's on the video game. As for me, I loved him as a coach and always enjoyed his commentary during games, now and then. It's symptomatic of the general disdain with which youth treats elders, and I can't wait until I'm old enough to have earned the same disrespect. Maybe it's happened already?

I was hoping to be able to track my cat's kidney paste on its journey across America, but that journey seems to have stopped in Arizona. As of Sunday evening, the package has mysteriously stalled in Phoenix. I'm still not sure where the "Express" part comes in.

Meanwhile, over on The National Geographic Channel, they are running a documentary called Inside 9/11. They ran a disclaimer during the program telling viewers that the following scenes depict people jumping from windows or something to that effect, in essence warning us that what we were going to see was real, and they advised "viewer discretion." It's interesting to me that an ad for a boner pill can be run without warning, yet actual footage of a real catastrophe requires one.