My Sick Mind

Today was bike day. Usually it's Sunday, but it's supposed to rain and God forbid we get an entire weekend around here without rain. So today I took the bike to the gym and hurried to get back so I could catch the third round of the Wegman's LPGA tournament at 2:00. The hurry was unnecessary, since it rained in Rochester and the lightning chased the players off the course. I took the bike down the road to get a chicken sandwich and the clerk spied my helmet and asked if I "had one of those baskets on the front like the Wicked Witch." I could have corrected him and told him that it wasn't actually the Wicked Witch, but her Kansas alter ego, Elmira Gulch who rode the bike in the tornado. Instead, I said, "No, I have bags on the side." They're called panniers, but I didn't dare say panniers. [Politeness Man strikes again] That didn't stop him from putting my sandwich in a bag. Then, when I got home I found that the Red Sox were on ...

On my drive home last night, I spied a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that said "Do Right: And Give the Consequences to God" and I immediately wondered what it meant. Like those ambiguous vanity license plates, I think a sticker on your car should be immediately identifiable and express something that the people driving behind you can understand. It shouldn't make you go into that puzzled expression where your nose scrunches and your eyes drift to the upper left and you suddenly find yourself dangerously near the curb. The "Do Right" I understood almost immediately. It's the "consequences" and "God" that had me near the curb. I suppose it means that we are supposed to do the right thing and when the result is something good we are supposed to credit God with guiding our decision making process and the good thing is his doing, but that's a guess. It's a guess because doing the right thing does not always lead to a goo...

"Cemeteries and golf courses - the biggest wastes of prime real estate." - Al Czervik "Caddyshack" Now that Tiger Woods has decided to listen to his doctor and have knee surgery, the TV networks that are televising the next group of PGA championship events are cringing at a 29% drop in ratings, due to what is called "The Tiger Effect". It's the drop (or gain) in TV ratings that occurs when Tiger Woods is either involved or not involved in the tournament. There's a 29% swing that I am sure the sponsors of the British Open are really pissed about. Meanwhile , hundreds of people showed up for Tim Russert's funeral and viewing over the past week. Whenever I see a large turnout for a funeral, I think "You won't get ten people to show up for my funeral," partly because I'm not having one and partly because I don't think you could assemble a group of people who are of the opinion that I am a person who is universally loved, ad...

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF POLITENESS MAN: Battling inane comments and rude behavior with a deflective retort, he works hard to keep society off balance by making them think that what they say and do is acceptable . TODAY - POLITENESS MAN AT THE DRUG STORE... Politeness Man is purchasing one thing in a box small enough to fit inside his polite pocket. Cashier asks, "Would you like a bag?" "No", Politeness Man replies with a gentle eye roll. The cashier isn't finished. "Would you like to donate a dollar to Lou Gehrig's Disease?" she asks. "Umm ... no," replies Politeness Man, when what he really wanted to say was, "No, it's a horrible disease and it's doing fine without any help from me." But Politeness Man knew what she meant, even though her phrasing was awkward. STAY TUNED FO R MORE EXCITING ADVENTURES. I got my first request for money from the Barack Obama campaign today. He must have seen my ...

His doctors had told him not to play this week. They had said his left knee might not just wind up sore, but re-injured, perhaps for a long time, perhaps forever, perhaps making this wincing, limping Tiger Woods of Torrey Pines the norm. “I’m not really good at listening to doctor’s orders,” Woods said . Who is? Certainly not most people, some of whom are told to stop smoking because it will kill them or to quit eating so much because they're bigger than a house. Sure, the guy won a major golf championship and some money, and I guess now we'll forever be forced to listen to the "legend" of the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines. Gosh. Let's see, if his knee hurts and he can't play anymore what does he have? A zillion dollars, a beautiful wife and child. That's horrible. The rest of us will have to endure the wincing, limping Tiger Woods and the horrible circumstances that he withstood to win at golf, proving that you should never listen to your doctor. I was at th...

Sunday, a store clerk wished me a "Happy Father's Day." It had totally slipped my mind, since I am neither a father nor have I had one since his passing in 1967. Generally, Father's Day gets by me. I would guess that it's a strange situation that finds a couple married for 6 years without children, yet that's how my ex and I ended up. Probably for the better, since the courts usually side with the mother and in her case, she couldn't be bothered - which is probably why we never had children. My memories of my father are all good ones. He's the one who taught me how to tell a joke. We used to read jokes into his tape recorder and listen to it later. He's the one who taught me to play baseball, and allowed me to be a left-handed hitter, even though I do nothing else left-handed, unless you count drinking when I'm holding something in my right hand. Sunday was the final round of the U.S. (men's) Open. The thing that struck me as I watched it...

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