My Sick Mind

As many of you know, it's a short walk from my home to the grocery store. Being so, I usually make 8 to 10 trips a week because I'm cheap and I shop on impulse. Today, on my way home, I spied a driver at the traffic light (yes, there's one of those) yakking on his cellular telephone. As many of you know, this I believe is a bane on our existence. As he turned the corner I shouted, "Get off the phone!" He stopped, which was odd because I figured he couldn't hear me over the din of his conversation. "What did you say?" he asked, in a tone which conferred that he knew exactly what I said. "Get off the phone," I replied, figuring that I'm just big enough to be mildly intimidating and still remembered that I'm carrying a 10-pound bag of cat litter which can also be used as a weapon. "What are you, the phone police?" he asked, begging the reply. "Yes I am. Now shut up and drive." To protect and serve.

This was the forecast on Yahoo weather today: Tonight: A few passing clouds. Tomorrow: Sunshine along with some cloudy intervals. Tomorrow night: A few clouds from time to time. Sunday: Times of sun and clouds. Passing clouds, a few clouds, times of sun and clouds ( my favorite ) and cloudy intervals. It's impossible for them to be wrong. I'm telling you, the guys at the National Weather Service are on a break and the interns are filling in. Check the men's room. 2 meteorologists, no waiting. Weather forecasters must wash their hands before returning to work. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that my girl, Paula Creamer shot a first-round 60 at the Jamie Farr Classic. Yes, that Jamie Farr. Besides Annika's record 59 a few years ago, it's the lowest round of any LPGA player. Only 4 other LPGA golfers have shot a round of 60. Nice going, kiddo. When I was in Maryland last month I saw someone walking around with a shirt styled after a sports jersey. The name...

ROCKWOOD, TN - Erikka Ridinger paused from hoeing between rows of hip-high corn in the Roane County Victory Garden, wiped her brow and smiled. "I thank the Lord I'm able to get out here and work," said Ridinger, an inmate serving time in the Roane County Jail. "It makes you feel good that this food is going to the needy and for the prisoners." NEW YORK - 59-year-old home health aide Linda Holley of The Bronx won a $19 million Lotto jackpot in May. "I thank the Lord for allowing me to win this," she said. New York state Lottery spokeswoman Carolyn Hapeman said that about $70 million in prize money goes unclaimed annually . Thanking the Lord is one of my favorite human activities in the world of greed and fortune. Apparently, the Lord is more interested in some people than others. How else to explain why He would single-out one person over another? If you follow the logic of “the good Lord” granting someone a prize, then how to justify His exclusion o...

The producers of Wife Swap should get together with the producers of Baby Borrowers and produce one disgusting TV show. That would be the decent thing to do. We need cordless vacuum cleaners. We have cordless telephones and cordless vibrators ... why not a cordless vacuum cleaner? I'm tired of running over the cord, and I'm running out of electrical tape. If I paid for the cable TV channels that I watch, my bill would be about ten bucks a month. As it is, it's $60 and I don't go near seven-eighths of them. NOTE TO AUTO MAKERS: Put the fuel fill door under the license plate like it was when I was a kid. That way, I could use any open gas pump, instead of having to wait for the one on the side where my fuel intake is. I want a headphone jack in the arm rest at the movie theater so I don't have to listen to the stupid kids behind me narrating the story. I need more horny, single women to approach me for sex. Anyone buying more than three items in a store shoul...

That's a picture of a typical mid-summer evening around here. Midway between Wilmington and Philadelphia. I don't know how it works, but it does. The late-afternoon/early evening thunderstorm. A hundred miles either way and it doesn't matter, but here in the Land of Me, it's a semi-regular occurrence. It keeps me indoors and (lucky you) in front of the blog screen so I can torment you with more of my nonsense. Times of clouds and sun. That's my favorite forecast that we get. They could tell us that every day and be right. I picture the forecaster having to use the toilet when the call comes in for the daily forecast. Just like the DJ who puts "Stairway to Heaven" on, out they run with the "times of clouds and sun." That covers him until he wipes up and gets back to work. Meanwhile, we're left wondering what to wear. I must be way out of touch. I don't know who this Jamie Lynn Spears is or who Miley Cyrus is. I did hear someone pining ...

I saw a story today that said former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is bankrupt. While I know that the term bankrupt has several different financial meanings, it brought me back to the story a few weeks ago that said former Tonight show co-host Ed McMahon is about to lose his home by foreclosure. I realize that these are two isolated incidents involving people who had more money than brains, but it makes me think that fame and fortune aren't always what they're cracked up to be. At best, there is a tenuous relationship between people and money, and sometimes the more you have the more careless you are with it. Take for example, Charles Barkley. Barkley would think nothing of spending $400,000 gambling, saying that he had it to spend and it meant nothing to him. I think therein lies the foible of great wealth - the ensuing disrespect of money and its value. Some of us would run over a kid in a wheelchair for $400,000; but people with millions figure that they can ...

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - There's new advice for older men who want to preserve their sexual function : have sex, and have it often, researchers say. In a study that followed nearly 1,000 older Finnish men for five years, researchers found that those who were regularly having sex at the start of the study were at lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction (ED) by the study's end. In fact, the more often the men had sex, the lower their ED risk. The implication, say the researchers, is that men should be encouraged to stay sexually active into their golden years . Who are these researchers and why are they getting paid for this? I'm not a doctor (nor do I play one on TV) but I'd have to guess that men who are having sex aren't in danger of erectile dysfunction, so the study would seem to be a means to its own end. By the way, did erectile dysfunction exist twenty years ago, or did we just recently make it up so that we could sell erectile dysfunction drugs...

I got tagged by Kimmyk . Here are the rules: (because there are always rules!) Instructions: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring/summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to. Strangely, I'm not much into new music these days. I think it goes with the "don't care much" attitude I've taken on. Still, here are 7 I can stand. Typical Situation - Dave Matthews Band. Lately, the summers have been filled with Dave Matthews shows. Usually, I go for the up-tempo stuff like Too Much or Louisiana Bayou, but this song has been haunting me, and it took until the last show in Hershey for them to play it, proving that good things come to those who wait. Abacab - Genesis/ Umphrey's McGee - Believe it or not, th...