My Sick Mind

They're running one of those Army ads during the NCAA basketball game tonight. Lots of cool looking action shots, then the voice over: You made them strong. We'll make them Army strong. As though joining up was a good thing. They run those ads during the basketball game because they figure they have a heavy demographic of young, impressionable, desperate young men in search of something to do now that their hoop dreams are ending. Those ads probably never run during the financial shows or some high-brow deal over on MSNBC. Know your audience. The ad, however, could have just as easily said: You made them strong. We'll get them blown up in a tank. Truth in advertising. So, then I start wondering. The Army must be up against it on the popularity front right now. War is a hard sell, especially when the images come home every night. By now, the advertising is probably a huge part of their [our] budget. So much so, that they have taken to appealing to the largest segment of pot...

If you are anywhere near my age, you have certain deep-rooted beliefs that are based on what you learned when you were young. Mine manifested itself last night. I wandered over to Larry King Live , and his guest was Suzanne Somers, former bimbo TV star. That's the deep rooted belief, the bimbo part. It was this deep-rooted belief that caused me to stumble when I heard the following phrase from her swollen lips: "...my seventh book..." Ya gotta be kidding, me? Seven? Based on my deep-rooted belief, she should have barely finished reading seven books, never mind writing them. They are memorable, however. I remember seeing her discussing one of those books, and proclaiming that if your poop floats, you are eating right. Mine has been sinking like a stone for as long as I can remember. I don't know what I'd have to eat to make it float, but if it's a lot different than what I'm eating now, it ain't happening. I'm not eating tree bark and soy chips so I...

Another subtle page change. Moving the deck chairs, as it were. Still the same crap. I just noticed that, if you separate the words, it comes out rear ranging . Sounds gay. Since I'm not willing to sit and edit html to change the width of the carriage, I decided to change to a template that was designed with a wider carriage. Another lazy back-door slacker move inspired by the Bush Administration. Meanw hile, winter is sticking its finger up our ass and twisting. The fresh coat of freezing rain is mixing well with the cocked-up way people drive. A stretch of highway that should have taken 20 minutes took twice that long on the way home from work today. It was made all the more exciting by the sight of (a) 7 cars in various ditches and off-road activities and (b) the lunatics who saw the disabled vehicles yet still felt it necessary to challenge the speed limit. I'm not stopping to scrape your frozen dumbass off the road. Behave like that, and you're on your own. It al...

A New York restaurateur has cooked up the world's most extravagant pizza - a $1,000 pie topped with six kinds of caviar and fresh lobster. Nino's Bellisima Pizza restaurant in New York City is now offering a grand pizza, or rather, a pizza costing a grand. Nino Selimaj, who runs six pizza restaurants in the Big Apple, on Wednesday unveiled the Luxury Pizza, a 12-inch, thin crust topped with caviar, lobster, creme fraiche and chives. Cut into eight, it works out at $125 a slice. "I know this won't be for everyone but there are people in New York who can afford it and once tried, they'll be back for more. It is delicious," said Selimaj, who moved to New York from Albania about 29 years ago. "Sure, some people will say it is just a publicity stunt, but I have researched this for over a year and think there is a demand. I have already sold one," he told Reuters. Selimaj said Nino's Bellissima in Manhattan, the only one of his restaurants to offer t...

It's a Bastard Edition of the Thursday Thirteen, hereby proclaimed th e Thursday Sixteen , in honor of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. It's my Sweet 16 list, and if history is any indication, almost all of these selections will be wrong. To allay any sports-post-related fears, I am adding an interesting fact about each school next to its name, to fight eye-glaze and general disinterest. THE MIDWEST REGION: Florida – The mascot’s name is Albert E. Gator. Maryland – Currently, about 10% of Maryland 's student body are involved in Greek Life. Oregon – The film Animal House was filmed on the University campus and the surrounding area. Wisconsin – Wisconsin has recently held the distinction of being rated the nation's number one " party school ", according to the 2005 Pr inceton Review ' s annual survey and the May 2006 issue of Playboy magazine. THE WEST REGION: Kansas – Tuition at KU is 13 percent below the national average, according to the Colleg...

DENVER, Colorado - Mary and Ray Smith can't make heads or tails of a new presidential dollar coin they found last week. It doesn't have either. A week after the revelation that some of the coins slipped out of the U.S. mint without "In God We Trust" stamped on the edge, the Smiths said Tuesday they found one with nothing stamped on either flat side. It does have "In God We Trust" on the edge. What's missing is the image of George Washington on the front and the Statue of Liberty on the back. Instead, the Smith's coin is just smooth, shiny, golden metal. One of a group of the misstruck new presidential dollar coins (right) that has the 'In God We Trust' lettering stamped on the edge, but showing no presidential face, is displayed next to a new presidential dollar showing President George Washington, left . Oh, you lucky people! The coin you found is a mistake. The Mint accidentally struck a George W. Bush dollar, not scheduled for production u...

LAS VEGAS (AP) -- The venerable Stardust casino-hotel on the Las Vegas Strip was imploded early Tuesday morning in a hail of fireworks to make way for Boyd Gaming Corp .'s $4.4 billion megaresort Echelon . The property, known for its bargain rooms, friendly service and mobbed-up past, opened on July 2, 1958, billing itself as the world's largest resort hotel with 1,032 rooms. It is also credited with being Las Vegas' first mass-market casino, thanks to cheap rates and loss-leading food and drinks. The implosion of two towers, gutted to bare concrete and steel over the past three months, included a 32-story building that was the tallest ever felled on the Strip. In its place, Boyd plans to build a new resort, Echelon , to open in late 2010 with more than 5,000 hotel rooms, a production theater, concert venue, shopping mall and more than 1 million square feet of meeting space. They say "mobbed-up past" like it was a bad thing. To me, it's part of that old show...

I was an hour late for work today. I set my alarm ahead an hour, too. I thought that’s how it was supposed to work. Otherwise, what’s the point? It's not really an extra hour of daylight, like they tell us it is. It just moves it to a place where we can enjoy it, but why should I lose sleep over it? Another great idea brought to you by the Shrub and his Posse of Pussies. An extra hour of late-afternoon daylight was the best idea that they could come up with to ease our energy problems. Move the clocks, George . I only wish I could have been a fly on the wall during that MENSA-esque brainstorming session. Come to think of it, as a fly, I'd be the smartest one in the room. Then, I was checking the QVC and they were selling this Dragon voice-activated software for your computer. Surf the web, make document files and generally get around on your PC by speaking the commands. Great. Now, not only do we have to put up with the obnoxious cell phone clowns engaging us in their persona...

He hit a guy in the face with a hockey stick and got suspended for 25 games. Then, presumably, it's back to work for a guy who physically assaulted someone in his place of business. Tomorrow, throw a hockey stick in your trunk. When you get to work, find someone you don't like and smash them in the face with it. Use two hands, and lunge. C'mon - you know you want to. Chances are, you'd have problems narrowing it down to only one person. It might be worth the month off, and since you make a million dollars a year like Chris Simon, you won't mind giving up the $80,000 or so that you would earn during the suspension. New York Rangers' Ryan Hollweg lies on the ice after struck with a hockey stick by New York Islanders' Chris Simon (12) as linesman Tim Nowak skates in and referee Craig Spada signals a penalty during the third period of their hockey game, Thursday, March 8, 2007 at Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, N.Y. Simon was given a match penalty for inte...