My Sick Mind

I needed help . Like the convenience store clerk who suddenly runs out of dollar bills and shouts, "I need ones!" as the guy pays for his small coffee with a twenty. It's that desperate around here, only I have plenty of ones. It's the twos that I'm looking for. I know these blog things are supposed to be about our lives - hence the name - weblog - but I feel that if I let you too deeply into my life that you would click away and scope out someone that maybe doesn't have the same life problems. On the other hand, perhaps my issues would make you say, "I know where you are brother and I feel your pain." Here's hoping. And you can't say, "Dude, it never happens to me," because I know you're lying - avoiding the logical joke there - and if you have never needed help then you must be some sort of freak. Part one of the process (I know you're dying to know) is deciding which remedy would turn the trick (so to speak). I kno...

David Duchovny is addicted to sex. "I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction," he said in a statement released through his lawyer, Stanton "Larry" Stein. "I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family." Ugh. Another medically-created addiction designed to make people feel worse about the things they like. Sex addiction. Sure. I'm addicted to Tastykake apple pie and Wheaties. Can I enter a rehab facility? David, you'd get more respect and privacy if you didn't announce it to the world first. Who is all that interested in what Duchovny is doing unless he tells us first? I'm getting ready to use the toilet. Please, out of respect for me and my family, refrain from discussing it amongst yourselves. My poop is my business. Thank you. Mobile phones work best when you stay in one place. The bill came for the Phillies post-season tickets. Our bill for the potent...

Oh, the convention. I'm not watching. Partly because I already know for whom I'm voting and partly because I think they're a colossal waste of time and money. They're a leftover tradition from a time when there were not many opportunities for delegates to get together and share ideas, what with horse-drawn transportation and dirt roads and all. Now, with the Internet and those new-fangled airplanes the delegates are never more than three hours away from each other. Plus, the parties have such deep pockets that it isn't as though they can't afford to fly places. But we're stuck with them and it's nice that the networks aren't saturating us with coverage, leaving it to the cable outlets. There's some new-fangled technology at work, eh? Besides, the networks are busy with Greatest American Dog , Wife Swap and America's Got Talent ; so you can excuse them for dissing the convention for such original prime time programs. The greatest American ...

After the marketing success of Microsoft's Sync in Ford cars, Chrysler is adding WiFi access and wireless data to their automobiles, in addition to the back-seat TV . What a great idea! Now, you don’t have to use your cell phone to send e-mail – you can do it directly from the Internet. How are they going to restrict WiFi to the back seat? As far as I know, WiFi isn’t restricted to a 3-square foot area. I think that’s what the “Wi” part is. There is a competition between auto makers and government. The auto makers want to make these little rolling houses with every modern convenience known to man while the government doesn’t want us driving around with every modern convenience known to man. They want us to wear seat belts and stop using our cell phones. The auto makers would rather have us in reclining seats with both hands and feet busy while watching the road with one eye and the GPS navigation device with the other. In your spare time, you could steer and apply the brake. Ju...

It's the Democrat convention. We're supposed to call it the Democratic Convention, but that implies that it's the democratic process and not merely the convention, so I'll call it the Democrat Convention. I hope you don't mind. By the way, I also call them the Florida Marlin, since the plural of marlin is marlin, not marlins as the major leagues would have us believe, but I digress. The convention is a big pep rally, and I was never one to fall for pep rallies when I was in high school. The game was on Saturday and the pep rally was on Friday afternoon. I can't concentrate that long. The election is in November, right? Between here and then the repugnicans will come up with something to divert our attention from the issues at hand. That's what advertising is all about and it is certainly what politics is about. So far, I've heard some music and seen some people jiggling around (pretending that they are dancing) and making believe (for the TV cameras...

Every once in a while it dawns on me. The giant smack in the face that really isn't that much of a smack in the face as it is a mild wake-up call, like a phone ring at 5am telling us that maybe it's time to get up and address the day. We devote more attention to drugs to "cure" erectile dysfunction than we do methods to get us to use less resources. Only when gasoline prices reach the four-dollar a gallon mark to we think about our wasteful lifestyles, and even then we prefer to complain than change. An editorial by Rod Dreher that appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer on Sunday makes many cogent points that will surely be lost on a populace that is more concerned with the closing ceremonies of the Olympics and who is the Greatest American Dog . By comparison, why should we care who has the greatest dog when there are actual lives at stake? We care because it's easy to care. It's hard to care about the future of the planet. We will continue to consume lim...