My Sick Mind

LAS VEGAS, NV - City officials have made it illegal to sleep within 500 feet of urine or feces, but the city attorney says the new law was passed by mistake and won't be enforced. The new ordinance makes it illegal to "knowingly establish" sleeping quarters near defecation unless that "deposit" is made in an appropriate sanitary facility. It was passed unanimously by the Las Vegas City Council as part of a bill making it a misdemeanor to go to the bathroom in public. City Attorney Brad Jerbic says the council will consider a revised version of the ordinance that shortens the distance between sleeper and deposits. Geez, now I'll have to find a room ! I've been putting off a vacation in Las Vegas, but now I know that they're taking the "What Happens in Vegas" theme seriously, I will consider going - so to speak ... but only if they shorten the distance between mine and urine. FOUNTAIN VALLEY, Calif. - Workers at Angiano's gourmet chocol...

Wichita , KS - Some brainiac in Kansas (of all places [sorry Pam ]) aced the SAT with a perfect 2400 score. He tells us that if students want to do better on the test, they can go to the official College Board website and sign up for the "Question of the Day" which will come to your e-mail inbox, as if you need that kind of pressure in your life. Here's today's question: The Official SAT Question of the Day ™ Part of the following sentence is underlined; beneath the sentence are five ways of phrasing the underlined material. Select the option that produces the best sentence. If you think the original phrasing produces a better sentence than any of the alternatives, select choice 1. Warmer coastal air and water has accelerated melting in Antarctica’s ice shelves and increased the flow of glaciers into the sea. has accelerated melting in Antarctica’s has accelerated Antarctica’s melting having accelerated the melting of Antarctica’s accelerated Antar...

Jessica Biel arrives for the premiere of "The Illusionist" in New York on Tuesday, Aug. 15, 2006.

WASHINGTON -- They are a secret little known outside the news and public relations businesses. "Video news releases”, or VNRs, often look like real television news reports, and you may well have seen one without even knowing it. Now the government is taking a closer look. VNRs often use actors to play reporters, and are produced by businesses or groups trying to get their messages out. The Federal Communications Commission is asking 77 TV stations about their use of VNRs, which critics label "fake news”. The feds acted after complaints that some stations may have been running the video releases without telling viewers who paid for them. Media experts said some stations like the VNRs because they're essentially free, pre-packaged stories that fill air time. Great. Now, what do we do about Fox News? Count the number of times your local newscast does a story that is a direct advertisement for a show that is coming on their network affiliate that evening. Is this news? So of...

TRENTON, NJ - New Jersey Attorney General Zulima Farber resigned on Tuesday after a special prosecutor concluded that she violated her department's code of ethics in going to the aid of her boyfriend at a traffic stop in May. She had long come under attack for her own driving record, which includes 15 tickets, three license suspensions and two bench warrants since 1979. As anyone who drives knows, driving is a skill that not everyone possesses in equal degrees. The trouble is, almost everyone has to drive, so whether you are any good at it or not has nothing to do with your level of participation. When I was in high school, I tried tennis, but soon found out that I stunk at it. The racket stayed in the closet, and I went about trying to find something that I was better at than chasing fuzzy little balls around [insert joke here] . The fact that I was a lousy tennis player was only a danger to me and the fence behind me. Driving, however, is another matter. In issues of public...

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Three quarters of Americans can correctly identify two of Show White's seven dwarfs while only a quarter can name two Supreme Court Justices, according to a poll on pop culture released on Monday. Just over 60 percent of respondents were able to name Bart as Homer's son on the television show "The Simpsons," while only 20.5 percent were able to name one of the ancient Greek poet Homer's epic poems, "The Iliad" and "The Odyssey." Asked what planet Superman was from, 60 percent named the fictional planet Krypton, while only 37 percent knew that Mercury is the planet closest to the sun. Respondents were far more familiar with the Three Stooges -- Larry, Curly and Moe -- than the three branches of the U.S. government -- judicial, executive and legislative. Seventy-four percent identified the former, 42 percent the latter. I really don't see what the issue is here. Are we supposed to be appalled that people don't know h...

"World Trade Center," Oliver Stone' new film about the September 11 attacks, managed a No. 3 finish at the box office. The better-than-expected tally included $19 million in weekend tickets sales alone, landing "World Trade Center" in third place at the North American box office for the Friday-through-Sunday period. Will Ferrell's race car comedy "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby," from Sony Pictures Entertainment, returned to the top of the box office with $23 million in its second weekend, raising its cumulative total to $91.2 million. The big surprise here, I guess, is that a goofy comedy did better than the serious dramatic story. To me, it proves that, for the most part, people want to be entertained. There isn't a person old enough to go to the movies that doesn't remember the horrible events of Sept. 11, 2001. I don't know what revelations Stone could have brought to the film that we don't already know - and don...

Are you feeling like your life isn't what it should be? All you need is a little insomnia and you can square-up your meaningless existence by doing nothing more than turning on your television. Right there on the TV at 4:00am is the answer to whatever problem you may be facing. Most of them involve doing little or nothing to get something. Sounds too good to be true? Get your credit card ready and change your life. "Make Amazing Part-Time Income", they proclaim. Create profitable trading opportunities in the Forex Market. I'm not sure I want to know what the Forex Market is, but it appears to be profitable. It sounds like a place where they sell condoms. Can't get financing for that car you want? All-Approved Auto Finance. No one is turned down. It's probably followed by All-Approved Auto Repo. Got smelly air in your home, apartment or trailer? The Oreck air cleaner is your answer. It sure looked clean on the TV. Out of shape? Bowflex . They even manage to m...