My Sick Mind

I love those green envelopes that come in the mail from my condo association. They're always full of such good cheer. Wednesday's missive was especially wonderful: PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO FULLY READ THIS IMPORTANT NOTICE it said, underlined so that we wouldn't miss the 16-point type face. "It has come to the attention of the Country Creek Board of Trustees (BOT) that person are entering the Country Creek pool compound during hours when the pool is not open." Egad. On several occasions recently, sections of the fence surrounding the pool compound have been cut to gain access to the pool area. The nerve. Each time the fence is damaged by vandalism, the repairs cost the association money, which in turn, costs you [underlined] the homeowners/residents, money. [me] Within the next two weeks, cameras will be installed around the pool compound to ensure its integrity. We are fortunate to have a big beautiful pool and pool compound (there's compound again) to e...

The plus side of crashing my bike and winding up with a giant hematoma is that I can show it off to the girls at the gym. That's right. Hike up the shorts and put it on display. In my best Stewie Griffin voice, " That's right. Crashed my bike. Didn't hurt much. Hit my head and got this ." [hike up the shorts and listen to the gasps] It's as good as a knife-fight scar or a gunshot wound, only better because there's a cool story attached to it. Girls love a good battle scar story. Follow up the story with the tag line, "It was pretty cool" and you have the makings of a legendary tale. If only I could parlay it into a nighttime sex romp or bawdy massage session. Did I just use the word bawdy?

If you think that's bad, you should see the road! This is what happens when you bump into another rider and go down in a heap in the rain. For some perspective, that's my left upper thigh in the hip region, which took the brunt of a collision with someone known only as "Joey the Hat" for reasons too long to explain here. Thinking we could outrun lightning (a thought that last goes back to Ben Franklin) we took off for home at the first sign. The rain pelted us like a last call hooker and two of us (one of them me) touched shoulders and one of us (me) went down on the asphalt, hip first, then elbow, then shoulder and finally a snapping head (mine), whose helmet-covered orb smacked the road with more force than a Mike Tyson left hand. Thinking I was seeing my final day, I felt the impact and quickly got up, retrieved the bike (behind me by 5 feet) and scurried to the relative safety of the shoulder of the road. Then, I waited for what I thought would be a dizzying...

A week away from the world is nice. The morning newspaper is scanned like an Evelyn Wood course and what I'm left with are a couple of things that are blown so far out of proportion that they are impossible to ignore, even on vacation. Sarah Palin repeats on America like a bad tuna salad: David Letterman quipped that the Palin family went to a Yankees game and "there was one awkward moment during the seventh-inning stretch: Her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." That, says Palin, "crossed the line." What really "crossed the line" was putting Sarah Palin in front of America as a vice-presidential candidate. That's crossing the line. "It's quite a sad commentary on where we are a culture, as a society, to chuckle and laugh through comments such as he made the other night," Palin said. She may believe that Letterman's comments were inappropriate, but how about the premise that what makes someone a legitimate political fo...

Back to reality. After a week off and four days of watching golf (five if you count today watching on TV) it's back to work and the drudgery of everyday life. I chose not to return to Bulle Rock for today's final round for a few reasons. (1) Paula wasn't in contention. (2) It's hot, and I'm tired of being baked by the Sun. (3) After four days of 7am to 8pm traveling, I needed to refresh at home. (4) The final round is best enjoyed on TV. Meanwhile, the cat seems to be relishing his new found freedom. He's been cooped-up here for the week, and a trip outdoors this morning brought back his primal instincts. Shortly after leaving him outside for what I thought would be a nice breath of fresh air, he returned with a baby rabbit in his teeth. I saw him on the porch, but I disregarded what I thought I saw in his tiny teeth as he nonchalantly strolled in the house and deposited the little critter on my living room floor. Not knowing if it was dead or merely uncons...