My Sick Mind

Investigators have determined that the source of the Angeles National Park fire is man-made, either by accident or arson. Figures. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger visited the fire area Wednesday morning and served breakfast to firefighters, scooping Cream of Wheat into paper bowls and giving them plenty of protein so "they get all pumped up for the next fight out there with those fires." I give you permission to read that quote using your Ah-nold voice. Those fires. He’s funny. Cream of Wheat? I know the state is in a financial crisis, but couldn’t they spring for some eggs and potatoes? Those fires fight hard. Meanwhile, can the women tennis players stop screaming so I can watch the U.S. Open? I can't take the screaming on every shot. Every shot. Drop shots, serves ... everything they hit is accompanied by a blood-curdling scream. Venus Williams screamed when she was two feet from the net and dropped the ball over. It's like a baseball player screaming when he bu...

I took an online poll from my friends (so they say) at StubHub . At the end of the survey, they asked me a few personal questions which, so they say, are being used for demographic purposes only. One of the questions is, "are you ... married, single, divorced, widowed ..." I express a disdain over the divorced moniker. I've been divorced for over 10 years, and at this stage, I consider myself single. I think there should be a statute of limitations on being labeled either single or divorced. After 10 years (a length of a good marriage) I should now be considered single. Divorced carries a stain like "ex-convict" where people look at you differently. Oh, you failed. Like that scene in "Kramer vs. Kramer" where they labeled Joanna a failure because her marriage failed. Ted shook his head as she nodded hers as the question was asked. We didn't fail, "it did not succeed" was an answer, but the attorney wouldn't accept it. Nei...

I paid for our Phillies post-season tickets today. It would have helped to have been drunk, but I did it during lunch at work so ... not. $605 for two tickets to three games. They're more expensive than the tickets last year, which figures, until you realize that most of us have less money than we did last year. Part of the deal was that, if I paid before September 10 I would be put into a lottery to be able to purchase tickets to additional games. Those are the kind of lotteries I win - where I get to spend money. Congratulations, you're eligible to buy two more tickets! Lucky me. StubHub is calling. Meanwhile, the end of civilization is nigh: TOKYO - Toyota Motor Corp. is developing a fail-safe system for cars that detects drunken drivers and automatically shuts the vehicle down if sensors pick up signs of excessive alcohol consumption, a news report said Wednesday. Cars fitted with the detection system will not start if sweat sensors in the driving wheel detect high le...

I was at a concert in LA, and the band was having an off night, and some people in the audience started throwing tomatoes at the band. Now who would throw tomatoes at the band? That's bad. But who would bring a tomato to a show? That's even worse. Don't throw tomatoes at the band. What if they really like tomatoes? They'll think you're enjoying the show. "You guys are great - here's a tomato!" The tomato is the universal sign for not enjoying a performance. Plus I like it on sandwiches. I had the guy at Subway put tomatoes on my sandwich because I didn't like the way he was making it. - Mitch Hedberg I flipped the TV on in time (by mistake) to see part of the Ted Kennedy funeral procession. As the hearse drove past the Capitol building, a huge crowd gathered on the steps began to applaud. They applauded. They applauded the hearse. I think sometimes applause is a reaction to some event where we are dumbfounded as to what exactly we are supposed ...