My Sick Mind

Jeezaloo, (sorry Paul) but after all that hullabaloo yesterday, you'd think I would have gained a little respect. But no. I got an e-mail today asking me if I'm smarter than a fifth grader. I believe we all know the answer to that question. Somehow, it was tied into a credit card offer. I need to find a kid to explain it to me. And speaking of questions, as promised I will answer the tag from my friend K8tie over at Good in Theory , even though she has defected to Wordpress: What was the name of the teacher that was most influential in your life from grades K through 6? Miss Buchanan, in grade 2. She was my teacher twice in grammar school. Once then, and again in the 5th grade when she was Mrs. Eastwood. I liked her better as Miss Buchanan. When my father died she came to our house and was very sympathetic. For a kid, that's a big deal. Teachers were different people when we were in grammar school. We bonded with them and saw them as parent figures, as opposed to the di...

My first reaction to getting that phone call was that it was some sort of police sting operation. You know the one - they find some deadbeat with outstanding parking tickets and call him on the phone. "You just won a free TV. Come downtown and pick up your prize." Then, dumbass runs out with his thumb up his ass, "I just won a TV!", but when he gets there, the police are waiting for him and they slap the cuffs on the unsuspecting boob and throw his Free TV ass in jail until they collect their money. That's what I was thinking. But it wasn't one of those calls, although I wasn't entirely sure until I saw my name tag and they crossed my name off the list of invited attendees to something they called the Convocation and Recognition Ceremony. Believe it or not, they actually were glad to see me. I didn't get a TV, but I did get a certificate with my name on it (in ink) proclaiming my: Outstanding academic achievement in Accounting - May 19, 2007 Jeezaloo...

While we were waiting through the Phillies’ rain delay on Wednesday night, several little sociological events transpired to occupy my [sick] mind. One involved the evolution of technology. A guy next to me had one of those bigger-than-necessary cell phones and he was watching the weather radar on the screen. OK, it’s raining. We could both see that. I could see it for free by looking up. He pays $80 a month to see it on a little screen while he is waiting in a rain delay at the ballpark. Somebody is being hosed. The second was the little gathering of young men behind me, conducting their own ersatz sports talk show. The “host” was the loudest guy, who pontificated on all manner of topics, barely allowing his minion co-hosts to work in an edgewise word. He had an opinion of everything from the color of socks to the meaning of life, and covered each topic until he talked so much that he gradually disappeared into his own mouth hole. At some point both the rain and the talking stopped. Wh...

Sodio Totales. That’s going to be my stage name if I ever become famous or enter the witness protection program. It’s probably good enough to get me on Telemundo, where there are plenty of hot Latino babes who won’t care that I am named after a datos nutricionales. In total disregard for my recent history of picking bad Phillies games to attend, Wednesday night's pitching clinic by Cole Hamels was a gem to behold. He struck out the first 4 batters he faced, and we knew it was going to be a special night - but not that special. He carried a perfect game into the seventh inning, when he walked Ricky Weeks to break up his Perfecto, and the next batter, J.J. Hardy, hit a home run and the no-hitter bid went by the wayside. What survived was a great performance by Hamels, the brightest young pitching star this team has had in a long time, and a 6-2 Phillies win. Muy bueno, Cole. We stood through a rain delay of over an hour after driving there in some sort of Monsoon for the sole purpos...

Michael Nutter won the Philadelphia mayoral democrat primary last night. It strikes me as odd that a city with a population of 5.8 million, and 449,182 registered democrats, that a guy can be so excited that 104,299 of them want him to be mayor. He has 23% of democrats and slightly less than 2% of the population of the city behind him. The newspaper called it “a resounding margin” and “a message of change.” That’s politics, I guess. He will be the next mayor, since the city hasn’t voted Republican since Bernard Samuel in 1952. Now that would be real change. To paraphrase Harry Hartounian , “I wish I could get that excited about Nutter.” Speaking of voting (and I was, just now), voting has been going on for baseball’s annual All-Star game which will be played in San Francisco this year. For the sports impaired among us, the rule is that the league’s team that wins the All Star game has home field advantage in the World Series. In other words, if the National League wins, then the Phill...

I’m going to miss The King of Queens . Monday was the last show. Sitcoms are dying, and KoQ was still running hot, and they were smart enough to leave before they ran out of steam. Kevin James is very funny, and the supporting cast was great. The show always made me laugh, and Leah Remini is still a hottie. Thank God for DVDs. I am really sick of the banners and junk that run across the TV screen during shows. C.S.I. Next – I know, but I’m watching something else now. You’re watching King of Queens on CBS . I know, I’m watching it. Then, during Seinfeld on TBS, the screen suddenly split in two squares. One was Seinfeld , and the other was an NBA playoff game going on over at TNT. Really. I completely lost control of my TV. Hey – dumbass, if I wanted to watch the game, I wouldn’t be watching Seinfeld . Leave me alone. They don’t do that stuff during commercials, which to me indicates a lack of respect for their viewers. Imagine you’re reading the newspaper and somebody waves anothe...

This story didn't get a lot of play nationally, mostly because it involves women's golf, but I thought it was something good, which seems to be in short supply lately. I heard about it while watching the Michelob Ultra tournament on ESPN2 last weekend: Mi Hyun Kim , an eight-time winner on the Ladies Professional Golf Association ( LPGA ) Tour and champion of last week's SemGroup Championship in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, announced after her win that she will donate $100,000 of her winner's paycheck of $210,000 to the United Way Greensburg Disaster Fund to aid the victims of the tornado that destroyed the Kansas town last weekend. "I was just happy that I won the tournament," said Kim. "Sunday and during the week, the tornadoes came out of the middle of nowhere. I felt like I needed to do something for them. Winning a tournament on its own was a good thing, but I just decided to donate some money." "Honestly, I made a lot of money in the United S...

ST. PAUL, Minnesota - Minnesota would ban smoking in bars, restaurants and other establishments under a bill approved by the Legislature. The bill passed the state House by an 81-48 vote early Saturday, hours after the state Senate approved it 43-21. It now heads to Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who has said he will sign it. Minnesota would become the 20th state to prohibit smoking in bars and restaurants. THE CRYSTAL BALL: This ain't rocket science, folks. Almost half the states have passed one form or another of a smoking ban. Smokers are the social pariah now. At work, they huddle outdoors in all sorts of weather, in bars and restaurants they are relegated to the front sidewalk. Pull up to a local pub and you would think that the joint was standing-room only, but it is just the smokers hanging out, and I'm still getting used to it here in New Jersey. "Watch my stuff" is the request I get most often, as the smokers go outdoors for the post-beer butt puff. They still sell the...