My Sick Mind

The space shuttle Discovery is shown as it streaks over a marina in Daytona Beach, Florida December 9, 2006 after liftoff from Kennedy Space Center. NEWS FLASH: VATICAN CITY (AFP) - Religious symbols should be allowed in public places, Pope Benedict XVI told a group of Italian Catholic legal experts. Sure. And a group of prostitutes in Atlantic City thinks that prostitution should be legalized. How does this even get to the news bureaus? I guess they figure they'll go to Hell if they don't report it. OK, fine. Let's move on to property tax relief. NEWS FLASH: A hundred percent of homeowners think their property taxes are too high. Maybe they should start praying. CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - Stargazers will get a rare triple planetary treat this weekend with Jupiter, Mercury and Mars appearing to nestle together in the predawn skies. About 45 minutes before dawn on Sunday those three planets will be so close that the average person's thumb can obscure all three f...

Frosty the Snowman . What a miserable holiday song that is. They tell us he's a "jolly, happy soul", then he dies in a horrible heat-related incident involving some kids and a corncob pipe. And why didn't that cop help him wh en he stopped them? I want answers! Either way, I think those kids are in for a horrible experience someday... But he waved goodbye Saying "Don't you cry I'll be back again some day". Watch your backs, kids. I think he's still carrying that broomstick around. Frosty bastard. I never trusted him. Stupid eyes made out of coal follow me around... Actor Jamie Kennedy arrives at an awards ceremony in Burbank, California wearing a pair of women's panties on his head and holding up a sign that reads: "I found Brittney's Panties". I'm only including this for the Google searches... NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Condoms designed to meet international size specifications are too big for many Indian men as the...

I wasn't planning a Thirteen this week, but a post by Pam inspired this one, and even as I write this introduction, I'm hoping I can finish it. Thirteen Sliding Doors For those of you who don't know what that means, it's a reference to the movie , starring Gwyneth Paltrow. It's about a woman who is fired from her job at a PR company, and is forced to take stock of her life. When the doors of a tube car close on her, we see what happens if she had made the train, or if she had not. Here are my sliding doors, in no particular order: 1 - 1967, my father died. Leaving my mother widowed, it changed the way I see life. A child at the age of 9, forced to deal with the death of a beloved father and best friend. It wasn't a choice of mine, I know, but still, the elusive bliss began to evade me right then . It was the day I got fired from my PR company. 2 - Didn't try out for the Jazz band. A few high school buddies wanted me to audition as the bass player of the ...

This is a little about teamwork, but it's mostly about hypocrisy . One of my favorite Christmas songs is "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" . Not because it's a great song (because it isn't) , but because of the great life lesson it teaches. You say you don't really need a life lesson from a Christmas song? Too late, Chief. Here it goes: The song starts out innocently enough. It's a cheery little tune about a horribly disfigured animal who probably landed his job because of some Equal Opportunity Law at the North Pole... Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, You would even say it glows. Then, it all starts to turn sour for our hero. Rudolph couldn't join the team. The other reindeer noticed his disfigurement and, much like the humans, they called attention to it and mocked him unmercifully, but if you saw it, you'd probably agree with his insensitive reindeer bretheren... All of the other reindeer Used ...

It seems that a recurring theme of these recurring themes is that whatever the topic, the term "relative" can be applied. For instance, in the case of trouble, it certainly is relative. If we never got out of grammar school, trouble would be limited to such life-altering events as forgetting to do our homework, hitting one of our siblings or (egad) breaking a lamp. Since most of us have gotten out of grammar school, the degree of trouble in which we find ourselves increases with the level of responsibility we should have. For instance, missing a mortgage payment or getting a traffic ticket. I'm in trouble, now. Most of us equate trouble with luck or fortune, but in the grim reality of life, we know that luck or fortune are merely excuses, not reasons, for the level of trouble we find ourselves in. For instance, if that cop hadn't been sitting in the trees, he wouldn't have caught me speeding. Forget the fact that I was speeding - I choose to blame my bad luck on ...

Nothing is so important that it cannot be put off until tomorrow. For some, January 1 marks their personal tomorrow. It's the procrastinator's favorite day. New Year's resolutions are made then, and presumably broken shortly afterward. I've been a member of one gym or another for the past 25 years, and every one of those years I've seen new members wander in right after the first of the year. Generally, they wander out sometime around Easter, after making a minor effort at a life-altering decision. I can see them now, sitting around the Christmas tree, bloated from Christmas ham, wine and candy; telling their spouse, "Honey, this year, I swear to God, I'm gonna get in shape!" Off the waddle to the local fitness facility to plunk down hundreds of dollars on something from which they may not get ten cents worth of value. But, it's a noble gesture, albeit a hollow one. Fitness facilities around the country see their accounts fattened by the f...