My Sick Mind

1:20pm and it's still snowing. The local news said we have 18 inches so far. If it keeps up until 5:00pm like they say it will, we should be close to two feet. Sunday will be Shoveling Day around here. I'm curious to see if there was mail delivered today, but it would take me a half hour to walk out to the mailbox and back, and I don't think it would be worth the trip.

The sounds of tires on wet roads and those strange white flakes falling from the sky can mean only one thing: The Storm has Arrived. For those of us in the path of Satan's wrath, it will be a long weekend of shoveling, drinking and watching football. Two out of three ain't bad. If the lines at the local liquor emporium tonight were any indication, I'd say that half the population of the area will be doing some drunken snow shoveling on Saturday afternoon. Certainly 100 percent of the population of this house anyway. The news tomorrow morning will be filled with on-site reporters telling us how bad the conditions are and how we are supposed to "stay inside unless you absolutely have to be out" as though we routinely wander aimlessly when the weather is nice. Then will follow the promotional ads telling us how [insert news and weather source] told us that the storm would be as bad as it is. Somehow, they forget to tell us that they all get their informati...

An open letter to The Home Depot and Lowe's: It snows during the winter. Even though I live in a condominium, I occasionally have the need for a snow shovel. If we get more than four or six inches I have to dig my car out of the parking space. Otherwise, I just brush it off and roll out. The shovel I have is best suited for loading gravel onto a lorry, but in a time of need it can do quite nicely as a snow shovel, since it barely knows the difference between gravel and snow. I wound up with it because the last time we had a significant snowfall I went to The Home Depot the night before the snow only to find that you were fresh out. On Friday night we are expecting more. In the vicinity of one to two feet depending on your source. Either way, it's way too much to brush off with a broom, so once again I ventured to both of your huge warehouse stores in search of an adequate snow shovel, and once again, I was told you were sold out. "We got a palate of them in yesterday an...

I'm not sure what is wrong with me. Something though, that's for sure. Tonight at the grocery store, I bought a razor that runs on batteries. Some kind of 5-blade contraption called Gillette Fusion POWER Gamer, (I don't know what Gamer means) as though my regular razor isn't powerful enough. Maybe I should have saved the money and I could just shake my hand violently while I shave? "Soothing micropulses with incredible comfort" it says, "You'll barely feel the blades." That's good, because if it's one thing I don't want to feel it's blades. It promises "Gillette's Closest, Most Comfortable Shave" [in capital letters]. That's great, and I suppose it's 20 percent better than those stupid 4-blade shavers. There's a button on it that you push to make it vibrate, and judging from the shape of it, I'd say it has other uses. Marketing, boys. I got a replacement credit card in the mail yesterday. I kno...

For those of you who enjoyed the Grammy Awards this year, congratulations. I haven't watched the show since 1973. As Glen Macnow would say, "It's a sham of a fraud." What happened in 1973? Roberta Flack's version of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" (written in 1957 and appeared on Flack's "First Take" album in 1969) won both Record of the Year and Song of the Year at the 15th annual awards show. What song did it beat out? A little something called "American Pie" by Don McLean. That's right. Since then, I haven't had time for an awards show that doesn't seem interested in awarding the best music. I can hold a grudge like Khomeini. I still remember McLean singing "Vincent" at the awards show with the look of a guy who just got punched in the stomach. I'm sure he had a nice acceptance speech written. I figured that if it was really deserving of a Best Song award, it would have won either in 1957 or ...

I heard on the radio today that the median price for a ticket to next Sunday's Super Bowl (a.k.a. The Big Game) on Stubhub is $3500. Median price. If you paid attention in math class you know what median means. Taking a look at the listings shows me that the median is a bit skewed by some outrageous prices. The lowest price is $1,536 for upper level end zone and there are luxury suites priced between $69,000 and $308,000. For that kind of money the seat should come with a blow job. The caveat in the $308,000 is that the suite will "accommodate up to 40 people" so let's split that up amongst our buddies. It doesn't look as bad when you figure all you'd have to do is chip-in $7,700 each to see the game. I don't know 40 people, let alone 40 who have that kind of scratch to see a football game that they'll probably wind up watching on the TV in the luxury suite. You'll also notice that the ads that are running for the Super Bowl call it "The...