KU - Kids Unwanted

LAWRENCE, Kansas - It used to be you could hardly give away Kansas University football tickets. But they aren’t free anymore - even for babies. That’s a fact the young Foust family of Lawrence learned the hard way. Owen and Lisa Foust bundled up their 3-month-old baby, Kate, on Saturday and headed to the Jayhawks’ season opener. When they presented two tickets at the gate, they were told Kate, who was strapped to her father’s chest, needed a ticket, too. To get into the game, they had to get out of line and buy another $35 ticket.

Believe it or not, this made the news in Philadelphia, so don't think I'm picking on Kansas.

“Everybody needs a ticket regardless of age,” KU associate athletic director Jim Marchiony said. He said the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has recommended that organizations require tickets for large events as a way to keep track of numbers.

I think the number that KU is most interested in is the one with the dollar sign in front of it.

Woo-hoo! Way to pass the buck, dude. Hey, we all want to be safe, right? And nothing worries me more than a baby at a football game. Thanks, on behalf of humanity for seeing that terrible threat and nipping it in the bud.

SECURITY: Is that a bomb or a baby?
CUSTOMER: It's a baby.
SECURITY: I don't know - it sure looks like a bomb. Doesn't smell like one, though.
CUSTOMER: Trust me, it's a baby. See the eyes moving?
SECURITY: Yeah ... I thought they were detonators.
CUSTOMER: Ugggh. Look, I already paid.
SECURITY: Oh. Well, OK. If it was a bomb, I guess we wouldn't have charged you. Go ahead.
CUSTOMER: Thanks. Go Jayhawks.

I'm not sure that taking a baby to a sporting event is a great idea to begin with, but sometimes I guess parents can't find (or won't pay) a babysitter. It isn't like the kid is going to have a fond memory to draw on later in life, so maybe the best option is to leave the kids at home?

Saturday

My latest cool search that I got from the Stat Counter inspired a little Haiku. Hope you can dig it.

You tube panty poop.
Searching your little heart out.
You do not get shit.
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DETROIT - Alan Mulally, Ford Motor Co.'s new chief executive will get an annual base salary of $2 million and an immediate payout of $18.5 million for taking the job, the company said Friday in a filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Why does no one complain (at least no one I know) about this exhorbitant salary, when almost everyone complains about professional athletes earning the same thing? Maybe because Alan can't hit 50 home runs? All Ford needs is for him to hit one.
Here's a clue, Alan: Alternative fuel. Get a grip. Stop listening to the White House and think for yourself. Give the people what they want - affordable transportation. It ain't the biggest problem in the world - we're only led to believe that it is.

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Look who's talking! People in Miami and Los Angeles chat on their cell phones more than any other Americans, according to a survey of cell phone use in major cities. People in Miami make and receive an average of 298 calls a month -- an average of 9-10 calls daily.

Nine calls? Are you kidding me? I guess I'm not that popular. I don't get nine calls in a week. Either that, or people are calling to talk about nothing. Maybe the text messaging thing is all that it is cracked up to be.

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And where's that Suri Cruise kid? It's been over a day, and I haven't heard anything about her poop or seen her picture anywhere. HELP ME!

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Tomorrow, ABC is going to air a "documentary" (in quotes) about the attacks of September 11, 2001. Use your best judgment when viewing (if you decide to) since it appears that ABC has a political agenda. Click here to see it for yourself.

Distracted Driving:

A Slovak driver who crashed into a bus shocked rescuers who found him unconscious and half naked with a vacuum pump on his penis. Police said the 42-year-old man, driving an old Citroen in the Slovak town of Levice, had ignored a "give way" sign.

Not for nothing, but I think I would have ignored the sign too. No shame, buddy. Just taking care of buisness. Vacuum pump = whatever. You go for it - we're behind you - so to speak. Hey, there's an idea for that Ford guy. Come to think of it, screw the alternative fuel junk. Consumers want vacuum pumps.

NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!

THE HAGUE (AFP) - Environmental group Greenpeace called on the European Union to ban the use of chemical plastic softeners in sex toys because they contained dangerous substances known as phthalates. "It is unbelievable that such toxic substances can be used in adult toys. We have tested many products in the last few years but never have we encountered such high concentrations," Greenpeace spokesman Bart van Opzeeland said.

Unbelievable? Phhhhttt - alates.

What Year is This?

I took a quick look at the "Weekend" section of the Philadelphia Inquirer today to see what famous artists were coming to town, and had to look at the upper-right corner of the paper to verify that today was September 8, 2006.

Stock up on Tylenol and No-Doz, rock fans. The Geezers are coming!

On September 21, it's Blue Oyster Cult, Vanilla Fudge and Cactus coming to Glenside, PA. I saw Blue Oyster Cult 3 times in the 70s because they were headlining for someone I really wanted to see - and it wasn't Vanilla Fudge or Cactus. Next, Ian Anderson "Plays Orchestral Jethro Tull" on the 3rd of October. I guess the aging Tull fans are willing to sit still for the orchestra, and Ian doesn't have to jump around as much as he used to.

Warm up the walkers! Over at the Tweeter Center, it's Aerosmith and Motley Crue on the 23rd. I guess they've run out of "reality" shows, so now it's off on the road. Judy Collins is at the TLA on the 15th (plenty of seats are still available) and the Average White Band is there on October 14th. All that is followed by James Taylor for TWO nights at the Tower Theater. I'm guessing that there will not be a need for added security guards at any of these shows.

Get your Rascal Mobility Scooters and head over to the Wachovia Spectrum, where they are hosting Bob Dylan on November 18. Tickets are priced from $40 to $70. One supposes they are charging based on age.

Thank God KT Tunstall is at the Electric Factory tonight, or I'd have to get back in the Delorian and wind it up to 85mph.

I just now found out that Katharine McPhee soiled "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" by singing it not once, but twice on that Idol show. I guess it's good exposure for KT, but perhaps there should be a lawsuit pending.

Vanity, Thy Name is Suri

Am I nuts, or is that kid wearing a toupee?

I continue to be fascinated by the Google searches that turn up my blog. I'm funny that way. Today's favorite search that turned up my blog comes from London, England; and features the phrase "penile inversion vaginoplasty fuck". I'm not sure if it bothers me that such a search turns up my blog, or that someone actually typed that in as a Google search. It turned up the John Mark Karr post [Kids and Creeps; Aug 20th], so I guess I can understand that part of it, although I'm clueless as to the curiosity that inspired it. I suppose someone could be curious about penile inversion vaginoplasty, and just add the fuck for color, although I would have added Cecily Tynan, and omitted the fuck.

Meanwhile, the discussion over the death of Steve Irwin continues. Mostly, there is great shock over the circumstances. The Sting Ray is not supposed to be an attack animal, but I can't help but wonder why people would be surprised that his death was caused by something that is in the name of the animal that did it. It doesn't surprise me that much, but I don't goof with animals whose names are also verbs, so what do I know.

I've had it up to here (pointing at my throat) with the Nextel phone gizmos. I was trapped next to a guy on the elliptical trainer who was using it to ridiculous lengths. Back and forth - chirp - chirp - chirp - playing phone tag with a salesman (escalators, of all things). I don't know which bothered me more; the incessant chirping or the fact that I had to listen to both ends of a conversation I had no interest in, other than ending it. You're supposed to be exercising. Go to work, if that's what you want to do. They're walkie talkies for grown-up's. At least they seem like grown-up's. More like giant kids with a play-toy. Talk on the phone like a normal person, and leave me out of your discussions.

Which reminds me - remember when telephone conversations were private things? They took place in booths or a special room where the phone was away from the ears of people who really don't give a crap about your conversation. Now, the phone is an appliance, and we are subjected to all manner of people using it as though they are in the Cone of Silence, when in fact, they are in public - which doesn't have all the appeal it used to have - at least not for me. Privacy, manners and consideration are behaviors that are sadly close to extinction.

And then, there's little Suri Cruise, Baby-Girl Wonder. I'm totally expecting her little head to spin around and lightning bolts to shoot out, setting fire to the church, while bodies pop out of the cemetary.
It probably won't happen, but I wouldn't be as surprised as I was to find out that Steve Irwin was stung by a Sting Ray.

Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid

President Bush greets arrives for a Labor Day observance at a maritime training institute in Piney Point, Maryland, September 4, 2006.

"Now, remember kids; there's a terrorist out there, and he wants to get you. And, as soon as we find him, I'll let you out ... and don't worry ... soon, you'll be old enough to go overseas and fight those evil folks, 'cause this thing will go on for years."

Seriously, can anyone tell me why the kids have to be held behind a barrier?
Or, maybe they wanted to be behind the barrier.

WASHINGTON - Quoting repeatedly from Osama bin Laden, President Bush said Tuesday that pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq would fulfill the terrorist leader's wishes and propel him into a more powerful global threat in the mold of Adolf Hitler.

That's pretty good. He managed to invoke two horrible names into one speech (or three, if you include his). It proves that he's improving as a communicator - economy of words and all. Now, if he can only get us to believe him...
Keep those kids back behind the barrier.

Bush argued Tuesday that history will look favorably on his currently unpopular war strategy. "History teaches that underestimating the words of evil and ambitious men is a terrible mistake," the president said. "Bin Laden and his terrorist allies have made their intentions as clear as Lenin and Hitler before them. The question is: Will we listen? Will we pay attention to what these evil men say?"

The answer is: Evil and ambitious is in the eye of the beholder.

And, in a feeble example of "too little too late", failed Democrat John Kerry said, "If President Bush had unleashed the American military to do the job at Tora Bora four years ago and killed Osama bin Laden, he wouldn't have to quote this barbarian's words today."
With the critical November "mid-term" elections a few months away (witness the beginnings of the TV ad barrage) the president has unleashed the old terrorism defense, in an attempt to make us believe that no one but the Republicans can protect us against the deadly menace, even though there was a Republican in the White House on September 11, 2001 - but I digress.

I thought I saw one of those kids move ... hit him with a taser.

So, be prepared to be scared witless from now until the first Tuesday in November. They are still playing the fear card, and as long as they think it's working, they'll keep playing it.

The White House on Tuesday published a 23-page booklet called "National Strategy for Combating Terrorism," which Bush described as an unclassified version of the strategy he's been pursuing since Sept. 11, 2001. The booklet's conclusion: "Since the Sept. 11 attacks, America is safer, but we are not yet safe."

We won't be safe until those kids are off the streets.

As for me, I'm scared.
I'm scared that it might work on idiot America.

The Search for Cecily

I failed to understand the drawing power of our own Cecily Tynan. She does the weather reports for our local ABC affiliate, and people seem fascinated with her. I don't have an official count, but I'd estimate that she is responsible for about 20% of the views on this silly blog. I also didn't understand the lengths to which people will search for info on their favorite celebrities.

For the record (as if there is one) I like Cecily - what's not to like? - and only mention her in my rants about the weather and the people who tell us about it because she is the most identifiable person on the top-rated newscast in Philadelphia. However, I can't help but wonder what the fascination is with her and her various articles of clothing.

Yesterday, a search popped up under "cecily tynan's panties", from someone in Hummelstown, PA (home of the figurine, no doubt). What it uncovered was the phrase: Two weeks from now, they'll be draped in lingerie and scanty panties. Although now, I'm sure I'll come up in a Cecily Tynan sucks" search. I was close on that one.

Then, also on the 4th, up came 7 searches from the same person. This one from, of all places, Atlanta, GA. I came up under the simple "cecily tynan" and the ridiculous "cecily sick mind". As far as I know, Cecily does not share my penchant for odd looks at humanity or even my politics, for that matter. Apparently, the searcher has been here before, knowing that the combo search would uncover something interesting, although not necessarily anything interesting about Cecily.

What really bugs me, though, is the wasted energy involved in the search for Cecily. The least they could do is wander over to Kate's blog and use her Google Box. Pennies go toward her twins quest for higher education, so at least this nonsense will serve some purpose, other than merely looking up Cecily's panties.

C'mon, you knew that joke was coming.

Labor Day

Today is Labor Day, the most ironic holiday of them all. Since I am fortunate enough not to work in the service or retail industries, I have the day off. It's not a National holiday, since we don't have National holidays (not even Independence Day) it is a legal holiday. Legal holidays give employers the option to give employees the day off, or keep the business open. It is my opinion that there are way too many businesses open on legal holidays in this country.

Generally, the holiday is an excuse for a [Name the holiday] Sale, with incredible bargains that can only be had on the other 15 holidays and selected weekends that the store is open. God forbid, we can't get 15% off the price of a pair of shoes unless we shop on Labor Day.

The irony lies in the fact that generally, labor doesn't have Labor Day off. As usual, the crap gets thrown to the workers at the lower end of the wage scale, while the rest get the juice. Today, my local bank will be open, as well as the local convenience stores, restaurants, bars, supermarket and the Kohl's, Home Depot and the local shopping mall. All the people making minimum wage will be working today.

I know it would be impossible to shut down the country entirely for every holiday, but it seems as though there are way too many people working on holidays, and they aren't necessarily vital businesses. I think the country would survive a day without Kohl's. Would it throw consumers into a panic if they couldn't shop for 12 hours?

Here's an idea: A national moratorium on doing business on Labor Day. If a cash register rings, the business is fined an amount equal to the sale. Give people a day off. Maybe then, we can work our way down to the other holidays - but, one at a time for now.

One thing about Labor Day is that it doesn't have a face. There is no endearing image that captivates us like there is for Independence Day or Easter.

Just this one:

Crikey!

I could never watch this guy on TV because he irritated me so. Generally, he made a living bothering animals and proclaiming, "He don't like that a bit" in his Australian accent.

BRISBANE, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and environmentalist known as the "Crocodile Hunter," was killed Monday by a stingray during a diving expedition. He was 44. Irwin was filming an underwater documentary on the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state when he was stung, Sydney's The Daily Telegraph newspaper reported on its Web site.

The thing about animals is that they don't know that they're on TV. They cannot speak to complain or warn us to let us know that we are bothering them, and if we persist, they will have to take action. No matter how much of an "expert" one is doesn't matter to the guy doing the filming.

My attitude is, leave the animals alone. They don't need us wandering around poking them, lifting rocks to find them or stalking them in Hummers for the sake of filling air time on another TV channel. Shows like that make me nervous and anxious, and I don't like to feel that way when I'm supposed to be relaxing.

Sometimes, they get irritated with our behavior, and the only way they can protest is through vengeance. At that point, the humans get angry and turn it into another program called "When Animals Attack". They attack when we lock them in cages, chase them around and try to get them to do something that they do not want to do.

Just as we would.

The sad part for Steve is that for all his love of the animals and the environment, he was also responsible for another group:

He is survived by his American wife Terri, from Eugene, Ore., and their daughter Bindi Sue, 8, and son Bob, who will turn 3 in December.