My Sick Mind

Oh God , another trip to the grocery store. Whenever I dry up for blog posts, I head on over to the local supermarket and stock up on fresh meat. I'm not really sure why I was there. It's so cool to have a supermarket a thousand feet from my house, so sometimes I go just because of because. I love the Cheerios , so I'll grab a box. There's like a hundred Cheerios products - wheat, fruit, stonewashed - they call them the " Cheerios Family ", as though they had parents or something. So, which kid am I bringing home to pour Soy milk on and eat? It was MultiGrain. You probably could have guessed that one. You are what you eat. And that meant I needed pork chops. But not the regular pork chops that I'd have to [egad] cook. These are already cooked (sorta like pre-chewed, but not as sickening) and packaged in an air-tight tomb that would be safe to eat until Al Gore becomes president. Between those and the Purdue pre-shaped breaded and flavored (real) chicken, i...

"Your writing has taken a different tone the past week or so...what's changed in you? You kind of have this sort of more relaxed attitude and you seem to be writing whatever it is that you're thinking." - a Kimmyk comment If you're anything like me (and pray that you're not) you have tiny, subtle personality shifts that take place depending on where you are. At work, we're "Workface", where we stand up a little straighter and things that are normally funny are borderline harassment. At home, we're probably most comfortable, and since it's our home, we act with a greater honesty and behave in some manner that is closer to who we are, really . On our own, we can stretch the borders, but in company with other humans, there is a level of us that we really don't want people to know much about - whether it's some odd behavior or a particular TV show or food that we like that would cause embarrassment. Like Flip This House and Cauliflo...

I admit to knowing very little about foreign politics, and particularly little about the Middle East, other than they seem to hate each other times pi-squared, so it gets confusing for me to keep up with the cells, policies and hateful slogans for all of them. With that in mind, I tuned into the President's TV show on Thursday night, mostly to see how much older he looks now than a couple years ago. The first thing I noticed was a strange parallax between the Tele-PrompTer and his eyes. He was maybe seeing that speech for the second time, and he stumbled as he read. I kept creeping over to the right side of my screen so I could catch his gaze, but the bastard wouldn't look at me. Sumbitch. NBC had the speech in hi-def, so lucky me, I got to see his puss in broad detail, and I'm pretty sure I could make out scales under the make-up. Yeah, definitely scales. He rambled on a bunch of the same-old, same-old about his policies and supposed goals - stuff I'd heard befor...

“I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?” Homer Simpson Microsoft Word tells me that there’s a “number agreement” problem with that quote, but that’s our Homer. Speaking of number agreements, Dina Matos McGreevey, the estranged (strange) wife of former New Jersey governor and current Gay American Jim McGreevey says that her $1,129 support payment she’s getting from Jimbo isn’t enough to maintain her luxurious ex-wife of a gay governor lifestyle. Pity. She wants a judge to increase her monthly allotment to $4,000, or in legal-speak, three money. She said that “In total, I need $11,162 per month to meet my expenses.” I realize that she is raising a 5-year-old daughter by herself, and I have no kids (and no money) but seriously, does it take $2,575 a week to maintain a house and a kid? Maybe she figures that Jim is used to being jammed up the ass, so what’s another 4-grand? Or, perhaps once you are no longer married to the governor your lifestyle should ...

So I'm watching ... something ... on the TV and this ad for ... something ... comes on and the voice-over says that whatever it is was an Award Winning company. So I'm thinking World's Worst Business Award is still an award, isn't it? So maybe there should be a modifier in there somewhere, like best or finest . Don't leave us hanging. I think I'm being secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots. There's a new movie opening this week called Mr. Woodcock . I guess that's supposed to be funny. Woodpecker would have been funnier, but I think it's been done. The porn industry won't even have to subtly change the title for their version, like Broadcast Nudes or Edward Penishands . Buy two and save! Can somebody explain that concept to me? I know, buy none and save isn't a very good marketing tact, right? I guess I'm the only sports fan in the world who isn't appalled by the Patriots video tape cheating scandal. So, they figured...

Natalie Gulbis is running a blog (of sorts) from Sweden, where the girls are playing The Solheim Cup. The photo on the right would be a really nice photo if the camera had worked. What's particularly odd is that the big ad in the right corner is supposedly for the camera that took the crappy shot. Are they really trying to sell cameras? Maybe a nice outdoor shot where there's sun. A flash would be a nice touch, don't-cha-think? I have to admit , those new iPods are pretty cool. A 3.5 inch screen and wireless Internet capable. Three hundred bucks is a bit steep for all that, but maybe they'll drop the price like they did with the stupid iPhone. Glad you waited in line? I'm a little confused, though about the TV sizes. We seem to want them in all sizes, and we're equally amazed by both small and large. " Wow, look at that screen!" could be applied to anything. I'm not sure I want to watch TV on my cell phone. "Who the hell are you and what di...

I really must work on being more revealing on a personal level. The comments come-a-flooding in, and you know I do love a comment. Especially when they're from mysterious cyberspace Lamont Cranston types, stirring the shit under a pseudonym. Just like leaving out a sugary snack at a picnic. Soon, you're infested. They're not very good spellers, though. Canada , however seems to be accommodating to all manner of people. There's a mental hospital nearby [I know, very funny] and one of the lunatics has escaped the asylum. His name is William Enman, and he's not just crazy, he's a crazy killer. This paragraph from today's newspaper story had me intrigued: The Prosecutor's Office in Morris County, where Enman's murder case originated, said that Enman may have purchased real estate in Nova Scotia. Officials at the Prosecutor's Office could not provide more details to explain how a man diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and confined to a mental ho...

When I was a kid, I had a neighbor who was one of those people who was constantly doting on his house – always around, raking, sweeping and picking up stuff. One day, the newspaper wound up being delivered to his roof, just above his front door. Incredulously, he looked up at it, hands on hips, shook his head and said, “People are no damned good.” I think about that little episode whenever someone disappoints me. It doesn’t happen all that often, since I think I am a pretty good judge of character. Sometimes, however, the evaluations go wrong, and I allow my own prejudices and priorities to creep in - especially with women. After all, there are 160 million of them in the United States , so the odds of finding a weasel in the bunch are low, right? That’s what I would have thought, but weasels, being weasels, are sneaky little bastards. That’s why they’re called weasels. Inject the Internet into the mix and the possibilities for finding weasels increases, since the lack of an actual fac...

I hate myself sometimes. OK, so most of the time, but you get the point. Maybe it was that post I wrote on Saturday, or maybe it was something else, but I missed Sunday's 6th season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm - the second funniest show on TV. I had to set one of those cable-TV reminders to bleep my TV when 9 o'clock came around on Monday to catch the shortest-ever repeat episode. Never mind that it interrupted my constant switching between the Phillies and the Ravens - seriously, folks, I think I lived in Baltimore in a previous life, since I'm inexplicably drawn to the Orioles and Ravens - but I finally saw the show. Let me tell ya. If you have any way of getting HBO for free, even for 6 months like I did, do it just to see this show. And, if you haven't seen it for any of the other 5 years it has been on, start with season 1 and work your way forward. Hear me now, believe me later. Not to mention that I fell asleep during the Eagles game on Sunday. It's o...

This was the first line of the article about Sunday night’s VMA’s and Britney Spears’ effort: Out-of-synch lip-synching, lethargic moves and a paunch doomed Britney Spears' MTV opening . I didn't watch the show [surprised?] so I can’t vouch for the out-of-synch part or the alleged lethargy, but if this qualifies as a “paunch,” then I think our standards are way out of whack over our bodies. Literally, paunch is defined as “a large, prominent belly.” You want to see a paunch? I can show you some paunches. It’s no wonder that people are so conflicted. One local radio host called it a "muffin top", and I fully expected to see this rippling lap-over in some disgraceful display of a sloth-like lifestyle. I'm thinking it's just a bad fashion choice. Meanwhile, take a stroll around the local shopping plaza and spy the apparently mirror-less and equally clueless people (men and women) who have ample paunches, and picture them in the same outfit Britney wore on Sunday ...

I'm ready for it. On Monday around here, people will be a little more grouchy, a little more irritable and just plain pissed off. Why? It's such a beautiful place to live (they even called it The Garden State), there's farm-fresh food, great entertainment, and taxes are ... oh, well never mind. But it is a nice place most of the time. So what could have people so worked up that their day is ruined? The Eagles lost. They're an American football team. Fans around here bleed green. I used to think it was a stupid thing to say, then I realized that I'm a Phillies fan and I bleed red. Not so stupid now, huh? The local sports talk radio station is going to have to run in extra telephone lines or hire more hosts, because it's going to be ugly around there. The newspaper guys that are prone to criticism will need more space and the local cable outlet's sports rant program will probably get big ratings this week. Sometimes I think that fans around here are in a str...