My Sick Mind

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The popular online dating service eHarmony was sued on Thursday for refusing to offer its services to gays, lesbians and bisexuals. Lawyers bringing the action said they believed it was the first lawsuit of its kind against eHarmony, which has long rankled the gay community with its failure to offer a "men seeking men" or "women seeking women" option. At first glance, one would think that eHarmony is missing out on a huge demographic. After all, it must be difficult for homosexuals to find each other. It's not like they wear a sign or anything. I'm not in on all that left-earring/right-earring jazz. I haven't requested a handbook. Otherwise, I suppose it is very difficult to approach someone who theoretically could punch you in the face if you "guessed" wrong about his sexual preference. That's where a neat-o web site would be really handy. Unless, of course you were the type of person who would discriminate... eHa...

...there is a thirty percent chance that my drunk-ass will get rained on before I get to the Electric Factory for the Umphrey's McGee show tonight. Math, as we know, is absolute - which is why I'm drinking Southern Comfort. "Why aren't you driving?" you ask. I never drive to the city. The Electric Factory is near 6th and Callowhill, so I'll take the Speed Line to 8th and Market and start looking for bars. Any old port in the storm. A full report will be filed tomorrow - but not too early. I do know this: It won't be "lame", like Police drummer Stewart Copeland called their Vancouver show the other night. LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The singer in the Police jumps like a "petulant pansy," the drummer is making a "complete hash," and who knows what the guitarist is doing? "This is unbelievably lame," Copeland wrote of Wednesday's show at the GM Place arena. "We are the mighty Police and we are totally at sea....

Since most of my readers are women, allow me to clue you into some of the things that men have going on in their manbrains. Generally, these things surface over the lunch table, where men are men and women are supposed to be subservient. THE SCENE: Our cafeteria at work. [A lunch bag opens] HIM: Let's see what my wife packed me for lunch today. ME: [ smirking and raising one eyebrow] HIM: Ohh ... baloney and cheese. [sounding mildly disgusted] ME: Are these [holding out my hands] working? You could make your own sandwich, no? HIM: [Looking perplexed] Well, everybody has their purpose. At this point I want to hit him with a chair, but I have to work with these people, so I deftly changed the subject. MOTTO: Anything worth complaining about is worth doing something about. If you don't like the sandwich, make the Goddammed thing yourself, buy something or shut the f*** up. THE SCENE: The same cafeteria at work on a different day. I pack my lunch every day. Lately, I have been...

The next time you feel like a dumbass , think of this and you will feel better about yourself: BERLIN (Reuters) - A German mistook a subway entrance for an underground car park and her vehicle got stuck on the stairs, police said on Wednesday. The 52-year-old drove her Volkswagen Beetle across the pavement in central Duesseldorf and into the entrance where it ground to a halt about five steps down, police said. Police estimated the damage at around 1,500 euros. And of course, there are always people with more money than brains. To wit: Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is part of a group considering formation of a football league that would compete with the NFL for players drafted lower than the second round. The league, still very much in the preliminary stage, would play its games on Friday nights. The NFL does not play then because of the potential conflict with high school football. "It's a pretty simple concept," Cuban said in an e-mail to The Assoc...

As I grow older, I find that my feeble mind (my second choice for a blog title) gets fixated on one thing at the exclusion of all others. In this case, it's my rather hectic schedule over the next week or so. My new bike should be together and road-worthy by Friday or Saturday. In addition to paying for it (ugggghh) I need to find time to get there and pick it up. I'll be off on Friday, so I hope it is ready then. Why am I taking Friday off? Glad you asked. Friday night, Umphrey's McGee is playing at The Electric Factory . The show starts at 8:30 (with Tea Leaf Green ), and they probably won't go on until around 10 - and play for 3 hours or so - so I'm sleeping in a bit so I won't fall asleep on the Hi-Speed line and miss my stop, as I have done in the past. That's a particularly odd experience. I take the train from the Woodcrest station, and coming home I have to be fairly alert to be sure I don't miss my stop. Once, I got off a stop too soon and o...

One of the things I noticed about the long Memorial Day weekend is how nice it is around here when one-third of the people are out of town . Traffic flows more easily, there are parking spaces, the lines are not as long and there is just a little more room to breathe. In this part of the world, people started running for the beach at 3 o'clock on Friday afternoon and didn't come back until late in the day on Monday. It was a glorious weekend without the congestion that life in the suburbs brings. I don't know exactly where they go, and frankly I don't care. As long as there is more available space for me and the others who are left here, I'm all for it. JERRY: No, wait a minute, Newman! You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too! NEWMAN: What are you proposing? JERRY: Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, wherever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me ! I have this odd image in my head of this great weight being droppe...

LONDON (Reuters) - A British adventurer is planning to highlight the effects of global warming by becoming the first person to swim at the North Pole and break his own record for the coldest swim. Sporting just a cap, trunks and goggles, Lewis Gordon Pugh will swim 1 km (0.6 miles) in water at a temperature of minus 1.8 degrees Celsius (29 degress Fahrenheit) on July 15, a dip he expects to last 21 minutes. I'm not sure if it highlights the effects of global warming or the boundaries of stupid human behavior - or both. Go ahead, Lewis - let me know how you make out. He said, "I can't think of a better way to show that climate change is a reality than by swimming in a place that should be totally frozen over ." Geez, Lewis; you're not thinking hard enough. I can't think of a better way to shrink my balls and make people think I'm a little goofy - but that's my cross to bear. Here's an idea: Let's use science, photography and measuring devices...

THEM: Hey Hank, ya wanna go to a ballgame? HANK: No. THEM: It's a big deal. Barry's gonna break your home run record. HANK: No. THEM: Aww, c'mon! I'm buying. HANK: No. THEM: It's dollar-dog day. HANK: No. THEM: You'll be on the TV. HANK: No. THEM: Please? HANK: No. I'm not going. THEM: Reconsider. HANK: No. THEM: Wanna go play golf? HANK: OK. What's it going to take to get people to realize that Hank Aaron does not want to go watch Big Head Barry break his home run record ? How many times are they going to ask him? I'm guessing about 755 times. Hank ain't going. He said he'd probably be playing golf, and not watching baseball. It's almost comical - if it wasn't so pathetic. Bud Selig, the Commissioner doesn't want to go, and former Commissioner Fay Vincent told Selig he shouldn't go . Nobody wants to go except maybe Barry and whomever is in the right-field bullpen when Barry is hitting or is floating in McCovey Cove ...

One more round, Paula. The headlines say that Paula Creamer is tied for the lead with two other golfers up there in Corning, NY - which may as well be in Canada, for Chrissakes - but we know better. She isn't tied for anything. Don't burn yourself out, kid. I want you to be in top form in 2 weeks when I go to Maryland. It says she is tied with Beth Bader and Young Kim. Feh. Step aside, losers. Final round coverage is on the Golf Channel at 6:30 Sunday. I know - The Golf Channel - Quick ... tell me which number it is on your cable. It's probably between Versus and a shopping channel in a place your TV only goes when your finger slips on the remote. Nine [click] seven ... crap! "What's this? Grass?" Meanwhile, The Pope is considering a return to a latin mass. Smooth move, Benny. Why not alienate the fifteen people who haven't already been turned off by the irrelevance of religion. Apparently, he isn't the least bit concerned about job security. O...

I'm not sure if this officially makes me an old fart or a sensible commuter, but I have entered the world of commuter bicycles. This is the Specialized Globe City 7.1 . It is much more practical and easy to ride than my road bike , and I don't have to wear that silly spandex and the special shoes, which make walking a challenge, and public ridicule a social event. The Specialized catalog says the Globe is " for riders who believe that riding a bike is better than driving a car." Hey -- that's me! There are way too many short car trips in my daily activities (especially on weekends), and every time I start the car to go a mile and back, I get a little more aggravated at (a) the price of gasoline (b) the "hidden" cost of starting and stopping the car on short trips and (c) the fact that it's just far enough to drive but too long to walk and carry bags and junk. So, the bike seems to be the best answer, and with the ever-increasing price of gasolin...