My Sick Mind

That could be a nice Jackson Pollock painting or a close-up view of a carpet stain, but it's the weather radar for my little slice of Heaven on Saturday afternoon. Hanna moved through and screwed up an otherwise nice day off. Funny how often these things come on the weekends, especially when you figure there should be a 1 in 7 chance and all. I don't mind when it snows on the weekend, because I'd rather take my time and shovel the crap on my own time rather than have to hurry so I can get to work on time. Rain, on the other hand, doesn't require any maintenance and just fouls up a day when I could be doing something more productive than this or staring out the window watching the weather go by. The only good thing is that I just got the DVD's of season 2 of Heroes and season 4 of The Office in the mail, so I have plenty of entertainment options. They goofed up the forecast (naturally) and it didn't start raining until early in the afternoon. I had alrea...

Remember to lock your bicycle to a secure location like a post or other immovable object. This cyclist has chosen a prime spot behind the local Wawa in Woodbury Heights, where his bicycle is cable-locked safely against infants, small animals and anyone who cannot lift 20 pounds to a height of three feet. It is however, guaranteed to remain upright in the event of high winds or tipping by force.

Betelgeuse : Ah, well... I attended Juilliard ... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen "The Exorcist" about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT ! Not to mention the fact that you're talkin' to a dead guy! Now what do you think? You think I'm qualified? If Satan wanted to infiltrate society, he wouldn't come back as a devil with horns and a big red spikey tail. He'd come back as a clever figure that we trust and think, "Gee, he's not so bad." That's how the devil is. By the way, that Dick Cheney disguise ... not so good. Just thought I'd tell ya, it didn't fool me for a second. Now, we have Sarah Palin, the latest Republican Satan disguised as a [quote] normal [unquote] person, with problems and issues "just like you and me," including a pr...

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin told ministry students at her former church that the United States sent troops to fight in the Iraq war on a "task that is from God." In an address last June, the Republican vice presidential candidate also urged ministry students to pray for a plan to build a $30 billion natural gas pipeline in the state, calling it "God's will." Palin asked the students to pray for the troops in Iraq, and noted that her eldest son, Track, was expected to be deployed there. "Our national leaders are sending them out on a task that is from God," she said. "That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that plan is God's plan." "God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that," she said. "I can do my job there in developing our natural resources and doing things like getting the roads paved and ...

Hanna, Ike and Josephine. Hanna is lined up to screw with our weekend, and it looks like the other two are lined up to screw with the next two weekends. I suppose it's better than living on the Gulf. You couldn't pay me to live there. Seriously. It's relentless. There's a little storm factory off the western coast of Africa that sends a spinning water dump on the area of the country that is at sea level. Do you still believe that God loves us? If he does he has a sick, twisted sense of humor. When John McCain introduced Sarah Palin as his vice presidental nominee, he stressed that she is the Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard to somehow boost her level of experience. What the media later found out was that Palin has never ordered the Alaska National Guard to do anything, thereby making the Alaska National Guard America's least stressful job. We'll see how she reacts to a little pressure when she addresses the Republican National Convention. For s...

I wish I had a clue. I wish I knew how many people stop by here and actually read what I write. The stat counter tells me that people ("folks" as the president would say) stop by, but I have my doubts about the length of their stay. They're here searching for world's smallest penis or some other odd reference I might have made 2 years ago. I wonder about the relevance of it all. Meanwhile, I keep getting strange e-mail's from politicians and people who tell me I've won some lottery or another... Can you donate at least $12 today to help get this program going right away? If you do, we'll send you a free Obama T-shirt : The great American marketing tool: The Free T-Shirt. First, I have plenty of t-shirts. Second, I'm not all that anxious to wear my political heart on my sleeve (or chest) and third, I'm not sending them twelve dollars. If they want me to wear a shirt with their name on it I think I should be the one getting the twelve bucks. We...

Those Republicans are shrewd mothers. Of course, you already knew that. Their little pep rally is going on this week in Minnesota while Hurricane Gustav (who names these things?) is taunting New Orleans. In a show of support for those put-upon people of the gulf they decided to cancel the day-one events of the convention which included a speech by George W. Bush and surely a ringing endorsement of John McCain - whether he likes it or not. President Bush skipped his planned speech to go to disaster and relief centers, determined to avoid a repeat of the disaster mismanagement of Katrina . Of course he did. Why be a leader and make a speech when you can pack boxes? "This is a time when we take off our Republican hats and put on our American hats," Cindy McCain said . Do you really want 4 years of crap like that? Added the first lady: "Our first priority for today and in the coming days is to ensure the safety and well-being of those living in the Gulf Coast region....

A good writer knows his audience. "Give them what they want" is the popular phrase that is used whenever something unusual proves to be popular - like American Idol or Paris Hilton. Who'd-a thunk (another popular phrase) that an essay about laxatives could garner so much interest? I would have figured you would have seen the Dulcolax box and flipped the screen in a gentle but effective way. But no. That's why I'm not in marketing or involved in a field where it is necessary to determine what people like. Thanks for all your well-wishes and you can take heart in knowing that like the popularity of Ms. Hilton, this too shall pass. Meanwhile, today was Labor Day. Unless you're in the service or retail industries , you had the day off. Labor Day is another of those strange legal holidays where almost everything is open and oddly, the people who earn the lowest wages are generally the ones working. Throw some time-and-a-half plus holiday pay at them and they...