My Sick Mind

Yesterday, during the Phillies/Marlin game on Fox, the announcers declared John Baker the Pepsi Clutch Performer of the Game . That's great, only it was a 7 to 4 game in the bottom of the seventh inning. Don't you think that there might yet be a clutch performer to emerge or do you think that Pepsi wanted their name on the broadcast before most of America tuned out? I'm thinking the latter. What it amounts to is a commercial and not a real award. Why not just put up a big PEPSI banner on the screen and get it over with? We need more junk on the screen, right? Meanwhile, over on ABC we're watching The Open. America calls it The British Open, but the rest of the world calls it The Open. The announcers (them again) tell us that we're "watching ESPN on ABC." Huh? I thought I was watching ABC. In fact, I was watching ABC. ESPN had a fishing tournament and billiards. This cross-marketing thing is amazing to me. I know that ABC owns ESPN and Disney owns them b...

The Office is back and everything is right with the world. For those of you who don't watch, you're missing out. But that's OK, I've been hearing that I'm missing American Idol and I don't give a crap. Tonight's episode was one of the best ever. It bears re-watching, which I will do on NBC.com. The latest Barack Obama ad, which aired during The Office (buzz kill) tells us: "There is not a liberal America and a conservative America. There is the United States of America." That's a nice sentiment, but it's completely erroneous. Anyone who pays attention knows differently. Can he honestly tell us that Utah is the same as New York City? That Alabama is the same as Minnesota? He's kidding, right? If he thinks that message is going to carry him to the White House, he's got another think coming. The term "United States" is a geographic distinction, and in no way relates to the politics that each state represents. I think Bara...

Oh, the woeful display that the once sacred Monday Night Football has become. Now that Sunday night has replaced Monday as the "Football Night in America", the shell of its former self is now on broad display on ESPN whether we want it or not. Remember, the E stands for Entertainment. However, the S stands for sports, and that's the element that is often sorely lacking. What was Charles Barkley's purpose in the booth, other than trashing the Philadelphia sports fans? Get a grip, Chuck. And shut up, there's a football game going on. I still say, and will continue to say, that Suzi Kolber belongs in the booth and Tony Kornheiser belongs on the field, or as far away from the booth as we can get him and still justify his paycheck. Either that or eliminate the third man fifth wheel in the booth altogether. The producers are still living off the history of Don Meredith and the fun he brought to the game. Meanwhile, viewers (and fans) have had to endure Dan Dierdor...

The Espy’s were on last night, and in the words of the great fictional character Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce, “The instrument has not been invented that can measure my indifference to that remark.” I suppose there is some place for an awards show that is named after the network that is televising it, but if there is, it is lost on me. Besides, almost all of the sports that they honored already have their own awards for outstanding achievement, so perhaps this amounts to little more than piling on in the name of lame summer programming. In addition, the wimps at Major League baseball allowed ESPN to re-schedule a game that was originally scheduled at 1:35 to be played at 6:05, when most people are either starting or just finishing dinner on Sunday. Usually, their night games are at 8:00, but that would have run them into the scheduled time for their precious awards show, and we know that can’t happen. If baseball had any real balls, they would have told ESPN, “Screw you. We do...

On occasion, television runs out of things to show us. It happens because there are more TV channels than ever - and more all the time - and less and less interesting stuff to show. So much so, that things like America's Funniest Home Videos is a long-running program. It's interesting, since the show's title proclaims what we are supposed to believe it is; funny, when in fact, it really isn't all that funny. What it is is people being hit in the crotch and falling off of things, jumping off of things and having their pants fall down. The word funny is in the title (well, Funniest actually) so it must be funny. Funniest. This week, in the doldrums of television that is the summer, baseball is holding its annual party that they call the All-Star break. It isn't a break, really, since there is a lot of baseball packed into those three days. The only break comes for the unlucky losers who aren't invited to the party. They get to spend three days at home with their...

So, there I am, foolishly watching ESPN2's coverage of the SemGroup Championship , scheduled to run from 3pm to 5pm. It's getting close to 5pm and the leaders are still on the 14th hole. "There's no way they are going to play 4 holes in 8 minutes", I say to myself. Sure enough, it ain't happening. The coverage was scheduled to go until 5, and at precisely 5:00:00 pm, they left Oklahoma for their next program. "Well, it must be something pretty important", I think to myself. At this point, I have stopped talking to myself and started thinking to myself. Surely, it must have something to do with the Kentucky Derby or some landmark sporting event - right? Wrong. They were stopping their coverage of an LPGA tour event with the leaders having 4 holes left to play to show us ... wait for it ... The O'Reilly NHRA Midwest Nationals Qualifying. Drag racing. Qualifying. Not even a real race, which would have been bad enough. They were only qualifying to...

Another 161 page hits today over this Alycia Lane nonsense. Almost all of them from the spelling impaired who are using the vowel-rich version of her name. Almost 500 page hits, and two stinking comments. I suppose, when they don't see the bikini photos, they don't bother reading. C'mon fellas, let's move on. Paris Hilton is finally going to jail , so you can start Google searching conjucal visit sex to see where that lands you. Here, probably. Meanwhile , the girls are playing golf in Oklahoma, of all places, at something called The SemGroup Championship . ESPN2 televised part of it today, from 3 to 5pm. Can you spare a square? I set the recorder for two hours, knowing full well that I would merely be teased by the coverage, and sure enough, I got to watch 4 holes of play. Would ESPN televise 5 innings of a baseball game? No. So, why do they bother with 2 hours of a round of golf? Granted, I'm grateful that they bother at all, but they had to stop the show while ...