My Sick Mind

Dewey: Edith, I am starting to think that you don't believe in me. Edith: I do believe in you. I just know you're going to fail. After I finished telling a co-worker about my latest experience with "Charlie Wilson's War", he told me that I was on "quite a roll" with the movies lately. True, I haven't seen many dogs over the past couple of weeks, but it's easier this time of year, when the studios roll out the Oscar contenders. That's precisely why I hesitated (slightly) in seeing the film I saw tonight, " Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story ." A sign outside the theater said its capacity was "367 patrons," which left us with only 364 more people to fill the place. That's right, after being shut out on Xmas day, I found that New Year's Eve was a perfect time to see a film. Me and two strangers sat through the 5:05pm showing of a film that probably cost the theater more to show than the three of us paid. I'd read so...

I don't pay too much attention to World news. As far as I'm concerned, the peoples of the world can take care of themselves and sometimes, the less we know about them, the better. Regular readers know that I rarely write anything about what goes on outside our borders, mostly because I am not politically worldly and partly because I don't care all that much. As I was driving over to the local art house multi-plex to see " Charlie Wilson's War " early Sunday afternoon, I had a little panic attack. I wondered, "What if this movie totally loses me and I have absolutely no idea what's going on, because I don't pay much attention to these kinds of things?" After all, I was going mostly because it's Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in a film by Mike Nichols, and I'd probably watch paint dry if the three of them were somehow involved. Early in the attack , I reasoned that the movie wouldn't be as popular as it is if it was a sophisticated s...

I'm always looking for the angle. I'm always looking for the swindle or the scam. Deep down, I don't think there are too many people who do things out of the goodness of their hearts - especially when it comes to sports or entertainment. I'm cynical that way. Last night , the Patriots' record-setting game against the Giants was televised on three networks. CBS, NBC and The NFL Network, which is a network by name only. Since The NFL Network is only available to 40% of households, it meant that the biggest event of the season so far would not be viewed by a majority of football fans, so the NFL signed up two real networks to help. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell went on TV last night and told America that the game was on network television "for the fans." He stressed it and said it a few times. He kept repeating it, as though the more he said it, the more he would believe it and - hopefully - the more we would believe it. Mr. Goodell : Did you invent The N...

While separating some laundry tonight, I felt around the pockets of my jeans (something I encourage) and came across $48 in cash in the rear pocket (my favorite pocket). So that was a good thing. I should have missed the money, since it's been in those pants since Tuesday. I find a lot of spare change and dollar bills, but I don't generally find anything larger than a $5 bill. As you can no doubt reason, I don't carry a wallet. God knows where that thing would wind up. ----------------------- It's probably a good thing I don't have wads of disposable income. I'd own every gadget in the world. I've already been through the GPS window shopping, and I'm not wildly enthusiastic about them. I don't do enough random traveling to make the thing worthwhile. One of my young co-workers got a new PSP for Xmas, and he has been bringing it into work. It packs quite a lot into a little package, and the "Gadget Guy" in me got a little twinge. Natur...

Rebecca DeMornay was charged Thursday, December 27, 2007 with misdemeanor drunken driving stemming from her arrest two months ago. So , uh ... Rebecca ... just in case ... I mean ... if you need a ... ride or something ... my e-mail is in my profile. All this drunken driving stuff makes me remember how it was when I started driving in 1975 (when dinosaurs roamed the earth). You'd be out, completely hammered, driving home from a club someplace and forget to signal a turn, or have a brake light out. Behind you lurks the local law enforcement. They pull you over and shine the flashlight in the car, see the half-opened six pack or Smirnoff bottle rolling around the back seat, and ask you to "step out of the car." Then , they'd grab the beer and look at you with the stink-eye, send you on your way with a Reckless Driving citation and remind you to "be careful" as you weave your way home, wondering how you're going to pay the $40 fine. Now , it's a misd...

I don't want to stir them up again, but suffice it to say that the mere mention of The G-word yesterday was enough to get a visit from corporate HQ in Olathe, Kansas - a place that most people would need a GPS unit to find. What a coincidence. I wear a silly grin when I check the old Statcounter and find a corporate hit from this nonsense. I'm guessing that companies have entire departments checking on Google Reader for mentions of their name. Knowing that they're reading is part of the fun. Sometimes , it's all of the fun. A Haiku for you: I asked you for help, and you told me to get lost. Thank God for Garmin.

Somebody stop me . I'm looking at GPS devices and thinking about buying one. Partly because I'm a gadget guy and partly because I'm an idiot. The two wouldn't seem to work together, but when it comes to direction-finding devices, they're a perfect fit. The reason you have to stop me is because they're still kind of pricey and I'm not altogether sure I'd get the full usage out of it. I mean, what would I do - roam around the countryside aimlessly with this thing in my face telling me which way to turn? Pointless. What I would like is an LPS . A Life Positioning System . Something to tell me which way to turn when things really matter. When Garmin makes one of those, you'll drop me a line and let me know. Meanwhile , local law enforcement is hot and heavy against distracted drivers using cell phones in their cars, eating and drinking, smoking and otherwise looking at something that isn't the road ahead. I'm seeing a lot of these GPS deals on ...

Today is Christmas , the largest exercise in Groupthink in Western Civilization. It's quite the holiday. Last night, the local news led with the story of hordes of Christmas Eve shoppers frantically pacing the stores for that perfect last-minute gift or (as one man was doing) his entire shopping list - including his wife. I hope she was watching. This afternoon , I ventured out to a local multi-Plex to catch a film. I'm generally not too picky, and I decided to take pot luck with whatever was playing as I pulled up to the theater. I've never been to a movie on Christmas, and as such, I had no idea it was such a secular pastime. The parking lot was almost full, and hundreds of families were forking over money to see the "Chipmonks", "Alien vs. Predator" or "Juno", which was sold out. I figured I was safe with my choice, " Charlie Wilson's War ". Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, P.S. Hoffman and Mike Nichols. Hard to screw that up, righ...

Pretty soon - as Jack Crabb said to General Custer in " Little Big Man " - "There won't be nothin' left but a greasy spot." Xmas 2007 will be glorious history and the Goyim can go back to their lives of humdrum normalcy for another 11 months, when it will all certainly kick up again, worse than last year. I'm one of the goons at work today, and compounding the issue is the fact that last night, I spilled half a glass of Southern Comfort & cranberry juice in my computer keyboard, rendering it either useless or drunk, I'm not sure which. Whatever; it isn't working, so I'm filing this in absentia, lest I go a day without writing something and you think I've suffered a horrible death or worse - decided to stop altogether. The nice people I work for give us a half-day off and pay us for a full day, which is nice, but I think I'd rather sleep in and be spared the phony "Merry Christmas" wishes from management types who s...

Saturday was more interesting than some days and less interesting than others. It started with a two-hour spin session over at the local fitness center. I know what you're saying (I do), "Who wants to spend two hours on a spin bike?" Not only that, but I paid $6 for the privilege. The good news is that my heart rate stayed between 140 and 160 bpm for pretty much the entire time. It's lower now. After a short nap (really) it was off to the city to see the latest high-end critically acclaimed film, " Juno ". It was playing every 45 minutes in one of those multi-plex theaters where, if the rooms were a little bigger it wouldn't have to run in three theaters. I suppose they hedge their bets by making the rooms small in case they accidentally book a loser. This one is close to selling out every show, so they wind up wasting three theaters where one bigger one would do. It's a clever story with lots of pithy dialogue. Think M*A*S*H (the TV version) wi...

I can picture a young Arthur Fry, sitting around his office at 3M, wondering how he can improve the world, when "Eureka!" he comes up with a piece of stationery with a re-adherable strip of adhesive on the back, designed for temporarily attaching notes to documents, computer displays and so forth. "Why didn't I think of that?" you wonder quietly to yourself. Why indeed, dumbass. It's a piece of paper with some glue on the back that isn't quite sticky enough to really stick to something. A triumph of bad materials and a ticket to early retirement. So, there I was hanging out with the 5:05 Club (a drinking organization co-sponsored by Anheuser-Busch) wondering why it takes so long to order something as simple as a bottle of Yuengling beer. Once I realized that the bartenders specialized in not making eye contact - a clever rouse designed to rid themselves of the nasty necessity called "customer recognition" - I stumbled onto an idea whose ti...

Oh God, in Your imaginary heaven, hear my prayer ... Settle the writers' strike, please. I'm begging ya. Clash of the Choirs was on for two freakin' hours tonight. To make matters worse, I overheard some workplace nitwits discussing this show. Discussing it. They were talking about a show where Michael Bolton runs around picking up singers and they ... compete ... in some sort of singing game with judges and (my God) viewers. I'm sure this nonsense was resurrected from the trash bin at whatever network it's on, since they can't think of anything else to run. Add in the Xmas season and you get ... Clash of the Choirs . Egad. NETWORK EXECUTIVE 1: Jesus, we're out of shows. NETWORK EXECUTIVE 2: Really? I thought we had five more World's Most Amazing Cheese Molds in the can. NETWORK EXECUTIVE 1: No, we ran them during the Super Bowl. NETWORK EXECUTIVE 2: We could run that American Gladiators show. NETWORK EXECUTIVE 1: Isn't that like, 10 years o...

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Vatican on Wednesday condemned the film "The Golden Compass," which some have called anti-Christian, saying it promotes a cold and hopeless world without God. "In Pullman's world, hope simply does not exist, because there is no salvation but only personal, individualistic capacity to control the situation and dominate events," the editorial said . Wow , only "personal control"? That sounds positively wonderful! So, let's see if I have this straight ... In Pullman's World we don't have to hold out in hopes that some mystical creature will satisfy our needs and wants. We have control over our own destiny without the outside influence of something that may or may not be (in quotes) real. We have the power to dominate events and not some other-worldly faith-based invention that controls our thoughts and deeds. The U.S.-based Catholic League, a conservative group, has urged Christians not to see the movie, saying t...

At first , I wasn’t sure I had much to offer on the latest Alycia Lane brouhaha , but after careful consideration, I decided that it didn’t matter whether or not I had anything substantive to add. I owe it to the hundreds of Google searchers that come here in search of Alycia Lane stuff. So, here’s my two cents. THE STORY: Anchorwoman Alycia Lane's future with KYW (CBS3) is uncertain after her arrest early Sunday on charges of slugging a plainclothes New York City police officer. She is also accused of shouting obscenities at the officer and calling her a "dyke". Observers say her return to her $700,000-a-year anchor job hinges not only on her legal case - a felony charge of second-degree assault that could take months to resolve - but the court of public opinion. Alycia’s latest dust-up with the NYPD isn’t strike one. It isn’t even strike two, and for those of us who are old enough to remember when television had real journalists, it isn’t all that shocking, either. Th...

Here in the Delaware Valley, we escaped the tragic snowstorm that pummeled the northeast last weekend. We'll pay for that one, I'm sure. If I can put in a request, make it a Saturday night, so I can sleep until they clear the streets. Thanks. Meanwhile , the TV writers' strike is doing two things. First, it's saving me a ton of money on my electric bill, since the TV is mostly in the "off" position; which has a downside since it's new and I'd like to enjoy something besides football games on Sunday afternoon. Second, it has created even more dopey "reality" shows with names like Choir Challenge and game shows with rules that probably take longer than the show to explain. Any time you do a show where Michael Bolton is rounding up singers to compete in a choir showdown, you know that there aren't any writers left in the world. Michael Vick had a "deathbed" confessional last week, where he wrote an impassioned letter to...

As you recall (I'm assuming) I promised I would post some photos I took of my day in Washington on Friday. I decided to travel light and use only my 14mm fisheye lens. It has a 180-degree field of view and (as you can see) distorts the images, hence the name. One of my favorite things to do is photograph the METRO, Washington's wonderful subway system. It takes you just about anyplace, and I think the innards are particularly interesting. This is the train coming into L'Enfant Plaza. The flashing red lights on the platform tell us the train is coming. The only problem with doing these photos is that I usually miss my train. The sacrifices I make for my art. Geez. It's a short walk from the L'Enfant Plaza stop to the East Building of the National Gallery. It's at the end of the Mall, near the Capitol building. Don't be fooled by the Smithsonian METRO stop. It isn't as close to the gallery as some other stops. The original Smithsonian is at the other end ...

Today I took my final vacation day of 2007 and spent the majority of it cruising around the Mall at our nation's capital. I took a lot of photos, but I'm still on the film standard, so the pics will have to wait until tomorrow at least. Usually , I take Amtrak, but that option is getting expensive, so I did the drive today. It's 130 miles straight down Interstate 95 to the New Carrollton METRO stop, then a 20-minute train ride into the city. The first stop (as usual) was the East Building of the National Gallery . I love that place. It's good for my tortured soul. They have some new exhibits since the last time I was there, including a fine exhibition of Edward Hopper , who you may not know, but I'm sure you have seen Nighthawks . The gallery is free, but lunch is far from it. For the record, that turkey sandwich was on pumpernickel bread, so it is kind of special. If you go by weight, the Tiramisu is more expensive than silver and the water is more expensive tha...

The Report to the Commissioner of Baseball of an Independent Investigation into the Illegal Use of Steroids and Other Performance Enhancing Substances by Players in Major League Baseball came out today in a blaze of ... um ... glory shortly after 2pm EST. It named 85 current and former major league players that either used or helped obtain performance enhancing substances as far back as the 1990s. It's 409 pages long , if you care to read it. I do, but I haven't read the entire thing yet. I might need some amphetamines to get through it. All I've done so far is to search out the names of players and teams I was curious about. Otherwise, I've heard Bud Selig's news conference and I was unimpressed. Bud used to own the Milwaukee Brewers and now he is the commissioner of the league. Picture this . You have a professional sports league with a commissioner who is a former owner of one of the teams. Do you think he would always act in the best interests of the game or ...

My company had its annual Xmas party last weekend. My Cal Ripken-like streak of not going continues at 17, mostly because there is more downside and almost no upside. This year, they published “Do’s and Don’ts” on our inter-office web space, so right away you know that there is a decided advantage to skipping the party altogether. Yesterday, a collection of photos from the party appeared on the space, and one overriding thing occurred to me. Obesity is a real problem. I’ve taken notice of the general increase in girth of the people that have been working here as long as I. Almost none of them are lighter than they were 15 years ago, and not only are they heavier now, but the increase is dramatic. There were probably 200 people at the party, and finding one that is too thin is almost impossible, but finding one that is too fat is sometimes just a matter of moving to the next photo. Looking at one photo after another really drove the point home. There are a lot of fat people running ar...

Mary Carey's breast implant bags have hit the wall at $15,100 on eBay. There are, however, still almost two full days to go, so any dumbass thing is possible. Another Christmas miracle? Somewhere in America, a family (or 15,000 families) could use a nice hot meal on Christmas. Meanwhile, some jackass is going to Paypal 15 grand to Mary and her charity for this nonsense. Sorry, there I go, off in my perfect world again. I'm back now. DON'T ANGER THE GODS OF CHRISTMAS: PLANT CITY, Florida - A 9-year-old boy died after being run over by a church float in a Christmas parade. Jordan Hayes was walking alongside the float, handing out beads and candy, when his foot was caught by a wheel and he fell under the float Friday night, said Police Chief Bill McDaniel. Parade watchers shouted at the driver to back up, but the pickup truck pulling the Greater Heights Family Worship Center float ran over Jordan a second time. "This is a tragedy that defies words," McDaniel said....

Like a dog with a bone , I kept at it. The Virtual Waiting Room be damned. There's baseball in Boston and I'm going. Section G26, row 8. It isn't until Labor Day, so I'll probably have to put one of those post-it notes on the calendar, but I'm going. Red Sox vs. Orioles. Sure, I could go to Camden Yards (and I will), but yes Sparky, I need Fenway. I need an old ballpark that really is an old ballpark, not one dressed up to look old. In the 1970s , stadiums were multi-purpose, because people figured (rightly at the time) that if they were going to spend $40 million to build a stadium, it's more efficient if you can play football and baseball in them. They all looked the same - geometrically they were octorads - nearly circular, but not quite. Busch Stadium in St. Louis, Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh, Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati and Veterans Stadium here in Philadelphia. The only one I never got to was Busch, but if I closed my eyes in one of the othe...

A few years ago , tickets to sporting events became a cottage industry. With the advent of the Internet, people can buy tickets to games that they have no intention of attending and sell them at exorbitant prices, often from a link at the team's web site. Ticket brokers and sports teams are corporate partners now, and it's an odd pairing, especially to someone as cynical as I. I spent part of the weekend waiting online for a ticket to a Red Sox game. They put about twenty games on sale starting Saturday . They have this thing called the Virtual Waiting Room (which, oddly describes my life) and ticket buyers are asked to wait there while the "random process" opens up a spot for us to buy a ticket. Eventually it opens, although I gave up on Saturday, after allowing the computer to cook for about 8 hours, refreshing automatically every 30 seconds. Finally, I just shut it down. I tried again on Sunday, only to find the only tickets remaining for weekend games were stan...