My Sick Mind

I'm always looking for the angle. I'm always looking for the swindle or the scam. Deep down, I don't think there are too many people who do things out of the goodness of their hearts - especially when it comes to sports or entertainment. I'm cynical that way. Last night , the Patriots' record-setting game against the Giants was televised on three networks. CBS, NBC and The NFL Network, which is a network by name only. Since The NFL Network is only available to 40% of households, it meant that the biggest event of the season so far would not be viewed by a majority of football fans, so the NFL signed up two real networks to help. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell went on TV last night and told America that the game was on network television "for the fans." He stressed it and said it a few times. He kept repeating it, as though the more he said it, the more he would believe it and - hopefully - the more we would believe it. Mr. Goodell : Did you invent The N...

Regardless of what the jackasses at CNN or Travel & Leisure Magazine would tell you, even though I'm from Philadelphia , I like to think of myself as worldly (if not cynical) about things, especially things that come in the postal mail or the electronic mail. That's why I'm a little miffed at using my time and energy opening this piece of crap that arrived at the home on Monday. The object is for it to look like a recall notice, including the "Your Vehicle" part. I haven't received a recall notice in a while, but I'd be willing to bet it comes from "Program Headquarters" or something like that. What should have tipped me off to the envelope's contents was the 31 cents postage - the sure sign of bulk mail - another name for crap mail. But I opened it anyway, because I figured, if my engine is about to catch fire or my seat belts won't work, I should know about it. As you can see , and I did too, this letter says nothing about my vehi...

When I was a kid, I had a neighbor who was one of those people who was constantly doting on his house – always around, raking, sweeping and picking up stuff. One day, the newspaper wound up being delivered to his roof, just above his front door. Incredulously, he looked up at it, hands on hips, shook his head and said, “People are no damned good.” I think about that little episode whenever someone disappoints me. It doesn’t happen all that often, since I think I am a pretty good judge of character. Sometimes, however, the evaluations go wrong, and I allow my own prejudices and priorities to creep in - especially with women. After all, there are 160 million of them in the United States , so the odds of finding a weasel in the bunch are low, right? That’s what I would have thought, but weasels, being weasels, are sneaky little bastards. That’s why they’re called weasels. Inject the Internet into the mix and the possibilities for finding weasels increases, since the lack of an actual fac...

Here is tonight’s forecast from the good folks at weather.com . Pretty boring stuff, eh? However, I’m still not sure whether I should take my umbrella, since there appears to be a slight chance of rain, even though I won't need it for more than an hour. Or maybe I should take my twenty percent umbrella, which works eighty percent of the time? What meteorological phenomenon occurs between 4pm and 7pm to reduce the chance of rain to zero? C’mon, weather guessers; you know the chance at 4pm is zero, too. Your problem is that you want to hedge your bets, like those snow forecasts where you tell us that we will get between 2 and 6 inches of snow. That’s a big range. I won’t stay home for 2 inches, but I will for 6. Then, when we get 6 you tell us you were right. "See ... six inches, just like we said." Weasels. Here’s a news flash: It ain’t gonna rain tonight. Zero chance. Not 10% or 20%. What in Hell is a 20% chance anyway? Either you think it’s going to rain or not. Mean...