My Sick Mind

Taking dinosaurs off this island is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas, and I'm going to be there when you learn that. - Ian Malcolm, "The Lost World: Jurassic Park" Speaking of bad ideas, here is the next one in their long, sad history. LPGA Commissioner Carolyn Bivens said in an interview last week that she would "love it" and “encourages” players to use handheld devices to post content on social-media Web sites such as Twitter or Facebook and encourages the use of handheld mobile phones during play , even if it runs counter to golf etiquette. That's right. She'd love it if the players started texting 140-word updates to their Twitter pages during the round. Sure. While we're at it, let's have an update from Donovan McNabb while the Eagles defense is on the field. And what's to stop Brad Lidge from typing while he's sitting around for 8 innings? Hopefully, common sense stops them, because the people in charge are...

Since I've pretty much given up on English-speaking women finding me attractive, today I realzed that non-English speaking women would be equally unattractive. Not physically, but because I'd never know if they were talking about me behind my back. The language barrier. Lunching at the local Chinese buffet - which is Chinese in name only, but is buffet - I observed two waitresses having a conversation in some form of Chinese/Mandarin dialect, and realized that I'd never be comfortable if I was with someone who spoke a fluent second language. Who in Hell knows what they're talking about? WAITRESS #1: 你看到多少禿頂傢伙是吃? (Did you see how much the bald guy was eating?) WAITRESS #2: 我知道。他將在哪裡呢 ？(I know. Where does he put it all?) WAITRESS #1: 我敢打賭，他不會留下小費，無論 。(I don't know. I bet he doesn't leave a tip.) WAITRESS #2: 男人都是一樣的 。(Men are all the same.) What chance do I have against that? Of course, that's assuming that English-speaking women wouldn't ridicule ...

"Cheese crumbs spread before a pair of copulating rats will distract the female, but not the male." - Alfred Kinsey There's a fun little experiment for my men readers. Lay out some cheese tonight and see what happens. I'd try it myself, but I don't have any ... cheese. Right. I was having lunch with a co-worker today, and as we were walking out he told me, "That woman was totally checking you out." I didn't correct his syntax, but I did check to see if my fly was open. I might also have wanted to have either his or her eyesight checked. By the way, if you're in or near a Wendy's, try the Southwest Taco salad. It's a party for your mouth and only $4.79. Partner it up with the Light Lemonade (large because it's spicy) and you have a nice lunch-time meal. Comedian Robert Klein used to do a bit where he said that, if Neil Armstrong wanted to set himself up for life financially, instead of that "one small step for a man..." s...

CULVER CITY, Calif. (AP) - In a chewy chow-lenge, Takeru Kobayashi outlasted Joey Chestnut when the eating titans faced off to see who could devour the most pizzas. Kobayashi, a six-time world hot dog eating champion from Japan, consumed 5-3/4 P’zones in a six-minute span of chaotic consumption Saturday to edge Chestnut. The 25-year-old from San Jose, Calif., wolfed down 5-1/2 P’zones on Stage 15 at Sony Studios. “I’m a little bummed,” Chestnut said. “There’s nobody I like beating more than him, he pushes me harder than anybody.” Jesus, who can eat the most pizzas. That's what we've come to as a race of humans. I like food too much to want to eat 6 P'zone's (whatever they are) in 6 minutes, or anything else, for that matter. I went to see the Wilmington Blue Rocks on Saturday, and had a veggie-burger that I consumed in about 6 minutes - because it was good. Imagine that. Among other things, there was a baseball game to watch, unless, of course you count the mascots, ...