Saturday, November 18, 2006

Saturday Stuff

Pay Station
Yesterday, my Canadian Blogger buddy Firestarter5 posted the sale of one of those PlayStation 3 video consoles for the incredible price of $15,100 (plus $29.14 for shipping); and wondered if it was legit. I think so, based on the fact that I think people are basically dopey, and given enough room, will find ways to spend money on whatever they deem necessary.

Interestingly, the same seller had previously sold UPS items, probably procured from the UPS garage; including (but not limited to) UPS sunglasses, a UPS trucker hat, a UPS plush toy truck, a UPS computer mouse, a men's silver penis costume (presumably not UPS issue) and topped off by David Ramsey's book called, interestingly, Financial Peace. I'm not sure which chapter of Ramsey's book covers the "peace" that comes from selling $800 video games for 19 times their original price, however. Maybe that's in Financial Peace 2?
It sounds like the guy works for UPS, and sells all of his employee incentive awards - although I've never seen any of them in the silver penis costume - but, I don't get out to the loading dock much. In those little brown shorts, I'm sure I would notice.

Geez - I can imagine the "giant silver penis" searches that will come up now.
NEW YORK - One of the nation's largest superstore chains, Borders Group Inc., expects O.J. Simpson's widely condemned new book to have "strong sales," but will donate profits to charity. The nation's other large bookstore chain, Barnes & Noble, Inc., will also sell Simpson's "If I Did It," but has no plans to donate proceeds. "Barnes & Noble will carry O.J. Simpson's new book, 'If I Did It,' just as we do every book in print," spokeswoman Mary Ellen Keating said Friday in a statement to The Associated Press.

Donate profits ... that means that at the very least, the store will break-even. Here's a novel idea (pun intended) - don't sell the book and donate some money anyway. Chances are, the goodwill that would result from such a heartfelt act would do more for the store than the sales from this God-awful idea for a book.

If they're going to carry every book in print, does that mean that they would sell a book that was published that detailed how a person would kill people that were still alive? Get to work on that.

Money-grubbing asshats. As of Friday night, the pre-order makes it #21 on Amazon's best-seller list. I suppose I'm baying at the moon.

My question, now as it was then: If he didn't kill them, who did?

OJ's next book, "How I Could Have Killed Bo Schembechler"


Brazilian student Cassia Aparecida de Souza, 18, holds her cat Mimi together with what Cassia claims are Mimi's own offspring born with dog traits last Friday, three months after mating with a neighbour's dog, in the southern Brazilian city of Passo Fundo, Rio Grande do Sul state, November 15, 2006. REUTERS/Edison Vara.

Bill Murray warned us about this in Ghostbusters: "Human sacrifice; dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria." It's real Old-testament, wrath-of-God like stuff, ain't it?

Speaking of which...
Hey, Neo-con asshats, do you still think that whole Global Warming thing is bad science?

A maritime warning has been issued after approximately 100 icebergs were discovered near Auckland Islands, 260 kilometers (160 miles) south of the South Island of New Zealand Friday, Nov. 3, 2006. The largest iceberg about 2 kilometers by 1.5 kilometers (1.2 by 0.9 miles) and more than 130 meters (425 feet) high were found floating in a major ocean shipping lane. (AP Photo/New Zealand Defense Force,HO)

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - An iceberg has been spotted from the New Zealand shore for the first time in 75 years, one of about 100 that have been drifting south of the country.

Read the whole article here.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Addressing the Big Issues

Stop the presses, folks. We've captured Osama bin Laden, cured AIDS and cleaned up New Orleans. We haven't? Well, how else to explain the latest missive from the LPGA? We must have solved all of the huge problems facing the country, now that the Ladies Professional Golf Association has seen fit to do this:

LPGA to institute drug-testing policy for 2008 season
Partners with National Center for Drug Free Sport to establish guidelines

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla., Nov. 15, 2006 -- LPGA Commissioner Carolyn F. Bivens today announced that the LPGA will institute a drug-testing policy for participants in LPGA Tour events beginning with the 2008 season.

“While the LPGA has had no evidence to date of performance-enhancing drug use by our players, we recognize the concerns regarding drug use in sport and the need to have a clear policy and program in place,” said Bivens. “We want to take a proactive role in educating our members about nutritional and dietary supplements, while also promoting fair and equitable competition. Under the expert guidance of Drug Free Sport, we will work diligently to establish a policy that will focus on the protection of the health and safety of our members, and ensure that no one will have an artificially induced advantage to remain competitive.”

Sometimes, Carolyn, a proactive approach is ridiculous. Here's a sampling from some interview questions on the LPGA's web site, where players give up their biggest training and diet secrets:

Paula Creamer:
What is your favorite snack to eat on the course?
I like to eat bananas and my mom always makes me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I also like energy bars and plenty of water.
Well, Paula - your mom is what we call an "enabler".

Christie Kerr:
What's your favorite snack on the course?
Well, I usually eat Clif Bars. But I really like Hershey's kisses although I don't eat them much.
Good thing, Christie - because the blood tests turn up "kisses".

Natalie Gulbis:
If calories didn't exist, what is your favorite dessert?
Oreo milkshake and chocolate chip cookies.
Is there anything you won't eat?
I am not a big fan of pork.
C'mon, Natalie. You're really letting your body go!

Laura Diaz:
Peanut Butter? Crunchy or Creamy
What's your favorite snack on the course?
Fruit and Powerbar
"Creamy". Is that some sort of anabolic agent? They'll be testing for peanut butter, so watch your ass!

Christina Kim:
Favorite way to stay in shape.
I like to lift weights though I don't do it nearly enough. I do seem to work out my left bicep a lot though from talking on my phone so much.
Get off the phone and get on the steroids, girl!

Rosie Jones:
Is there anything you are addicted to? Or can't live without?
Tacos and popcorn.

Sherri Steinhauer:
Is there anything you are addicted to?
I love eating rice, I don't think I could live without it.

It's nice to see that an organized sport association is taking a stand against these obvious cheaters. After all, a fistfull of Hershey's Kisses could mean the difference between 250 and 285 off the tee. Carolyn Bivens isn't exactly the most popular person in the golf world to begin with, and I can't imagine that this ridiculous measure is helping her image. Get a grip, Carolyn.

Maybe the LPGA should start testing for peanut butter and candy - and leave the girls alone.

Judging from the differences between Natalie's physique in 2006 and 2007, I think it's obvious that she's jucing. I think we should find out what she's taking, and start handing it out at LPGA events.

Must be the Oreo milkshakes and chocolate chip cookies, right?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Picture of an Idiot in Action

People sit under umbrellas and tents as they wait in line for a chance to purchase the new Sony Play Station 3 at the Best Buy store.

These are some weirdos sitting in the rain at a Best Buy store somewhere in America (where it's raining) waiting in earnest angst for the pending release of the new Play Station 3 console game.
Why are they idiots? Allow me to elucidate.

This "thing" is not a limited edition article. They are not making a thousand of them and stopping, as they do with limited edition lithographs or Disney DVDs. So, why are they waiting? There are two possible answers (other than the "idiot" one):

1) They have no life, job or responsibilities, and figure (accurately) that they can attract attention to themselves by sitting in the rain waiting for a product of Industry.

2) They fail to realize that, even though they are waiting in line, there will be more of these things made. It's the reason companies like Sony make things like PlayStation. It's called "demand". There is demand, and Sony, intelligent people that they are, rely on idiots like these to pump up demand by doing stupid things like waiting in line for something that will be mass-produced to the point that people will be so sick of looking at it that they will mutter obscenities to themselves as they pass store windows displaying the product. The resulting "news" coverage will do nothing but enhance the appeal of something that most of us didn't know existed in the first place.

Consumerism. There's nothing like it.

Thursday Thirteen v.10

Thirteen Things I Can Live Without

1. The Air Quotes. I do it myself, and I hate myself for it. But, really, where were the air quotes 15 years ago?

2. "Throwing Someone Under The Bus" expression. It's worn out its welcome on me. Isn't there something else we can say that means the same thing?

3. Weather forecasts of snow flurries. Flurries? There's large particles of dust falling out of the sky, and I'm supposed to alter my life? I think Cecily Tynan and her ilk just like to say the word "snow" so that we'll tune in. Editor's note: Cecily's name was used in order to pick up a few more Google hits. Sorry, Cecily - I didn't mean to throw you under the bus.

4. Ann Coulter. Go away, please. Your fifteen minutes are up. I'm tired of your hate-train politics and the stupid things you say. Jiffy Lube is hiring.

5. Guilt. I'm not a law-breaker, but sometimes I am made to feel that my thoughts are supposed to be wrong or somehow flaunting society's standards. Two words: Up yours. I'll feel the way I want to feel, and you can't stop me.

6. Christmas ads before Veteran's Day. They're so anxious to make a buck that they think they can weaken our will by running Christmas ads on TV. There should be a Thanksgiving law for these things.

7. The concert sing-along. I didn't pay sixty bucks to hear the fat ass next to me sing "Too Much". Dave's making a million, let him sing it.

8. The cell phone at the gym. I'm not sure why, but this really annoys me. Maybe it's because I see the gym as a kind of church, and if you can't spare a hour of your life without that little noise-maker, then maybe you should just stay home. Unless you're a surgeon or working at NORAD, your call probably isn't necessary.

9. The guy on TV that's living in his Sentra. Stop it. Maybe the reason he's living in his car is because the damned things are so expensive that he can't afford rent.

10. Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football. There's a game going on, I know it. But the broadcast is so full of junk that I have a hard time finding it. At the center of the nonsense is Kornheiser, who follows the stinkeroo Pardon The Interruption by further stinking up MNF. It's supposed to be a football game, but it's a TV show. Should be on the Disney Channel.

11. Borat. Really - stop. And, how long before we start hearing about Borat 2? It's coming, I can smell it. As sure as rock crushes scissors and scissors cuts paper.

12. Hairballs. Not mine, my cat's. I'm sure he can live without them, too. He's very good at coughing them up directly in the path of my late-night pee break. Thanks, buddy. There's nothing like a squishy, brown lump between my toes.

13. I'm writing this as the final "Dancing with the Stars" is being broadcast. Tom is telling us that, last night, "two Gladiators went to war..." Tom, they're dancing. You want war, I've got a place you can go. Besides, I thought we were done with this whole "War as a Metaphor for Life" stuff when our brave men and women went to the Middle East? I suppose not. We have short memories.
Meanwhile, these goofballs are competing like Hell for the World's Ugliest Trophy. What's the point of an hour "Results Show"? They can tell me who won in the time it takes Cecily Tynan to do the weather, but somehow they manage to pad it out to an hour -- and America eats it up.
I'm switching to the Flyers game - speaking of things I can live wthout.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I'm in Big Trouble

This may be my last post on My Sick Mind. Why? Expired products, my friends. Today, I drank a bottle of Flavor Splash water that expired in September. I have no idea what the expired chemicals in this wonderful product will do to my delicate insides. Check the obit column of tomorrow's Philadelphia Inquirer. Until then:

I'm not sure where the light-jazz Muzak version of a reggae tune falls on the musical evolutionary scale, but I'd bet it's pretty close to Neanderthal. The strange part is, I found myself tapping my foot to the Pastel-Light Coffee Filter Jazz Orchestra version of "Jammin'" at work today. That's the kind of day it was, folks. I'm blaming the old chemicals. Then, I get home and check the e-mail. I have a threatening message of warning from a fictitious Ebay buyer:

For the record, I'm not sure when in the hell I intend to send the money. I think I'll wait until I hear from the six other people you "cc'd" with this ridiculous nonsense. I love a good scam as much as the next guy, but geez, make an effort!

Speaking of which:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S.-based automakers left a White House meeting on Tuesday without specific promises of help and doubtful that President Bush shared their concern that Japan manipulates its currency to their disadvantage.

Here's my personal message to the auto industry: If you are incapable of making money selling a product that people not only want but need, then you, my friends, are numbskulls, and deserve whatever fate the Japanese can deal you.
You're as stupid as the airline industry, who seems to go out of its way to irritate and inconvenience its customers with one stupid act after another. The American auto industry is in trouble, and it's nobody's fault but their own.

And, it seems that yesterday's rant on the value of character is lost on the Chinese:
BEIJING - A matchmaking love boat cruise open only to male millionaires and "good-looking and desirable" women is slated to set sail later this month, a state-run Chinese newspaper said Tuesday.
Men on the cruise scheduled to go along Shanghai's Huangpu River must be worth at least 2 million yuan ($250,000), the China Daily quoted organizer Xu Tianli as saying.

So guys, start saving your yuan if you expect to meet eligible Chinese women.


Tourists look at The Stonehenge landscape of Salisbury Plain in England, Sept. 15, 2004. Stonehenge is among 21 candidates for the new seven wonders of the world. The seven winners will be announced July 7, 2007 in Lisbon, Portugal. (AP Photo/Dave Caulkin).

Sitting on Benchhenge, I suppose ... anyway, here's my nominee:

Model Katie Price poses for photographers during an event to promote her new lingerie range at a studio in London November 13, 2006. REUTERS/Dylan Martinez (BRITAIN).

Built on May 22, 1978 and still standing, despite three gravity-defying alterations. Take that, Stonehenge.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Mr. Right Bounces a Check

I love a good question. Especially if I know the answer. Sometimes, though, the question is just a question - one of those rhetorical ones - that doesn't have an answer, we just ask it for the fun of asking. Such as, "If all the conservative Republicans were in a room together and one of them farted; would it smell, or would they even notice that the room stank?"
Those kinds.
Or the kind of questions that Pam's children ask. Questions that even the wisest oracle could not answer. I'll leave those for you to ponder, since some of them make my brain hurt.
But over on the Good in Theory blog today, old pal Katie (OK, not so old, but a pal nonetheless) asks an interesting question. Katie's question, in a nutshell is: Is it human nature to base our worth on the worth of our bank account, or is it society’s nature? Good one, Kate. Have you met Pam's kids?
If you believe that we are all a measure of society, then you can equate society's values with our own. However, if you believe as I do, that the values of individuals make up society, then you may side with the human nature answer. Allow me to elucidate.
Every now and then, a magazine or "news" program puts out a list of the Ten Most Eligible Bachelors. By eligible, of course, the list does not reflect the dictionary definition, which would be "qualified, appropriate or adequate", they are referring to the bachelors with the biggest bank accounts or the biggest degree of fame. By that measure, the 30-year old unmarried librarian down the street who owns his home and has a good credit rating is deemed ineligable. That is the standard of the list, not of the friends of the librarian, who cannot understand why a 30-year old man is still available, regardless of his net worth.
The reason the lists are so interesting is because the librarian, qualified though he may be, has none of the characteristics sought after by the media outlets that assemble the list. He's a popular guy at the local book club meetings, and may even be an interesting drinking buddy, but as far as Maxim Magazine is concerned, he may as well be your dog Spot.
These are the same type of people who run local radio shows, where single women are paraded about in search of the so-called Mr. Right. The callers, seeking their Mrs. Right counterpart, are measured by both the size of their bank account and the potential of its size based on their job. Neither, however, will produce a long-term happy relationship with Mrs. Right, appearances to the contrary.
Weak thinking individuals (like those in line buying beer at WalMart) are drawn in by the low morals of society and led to believe that the most eligible men are the ones with the fattest wallet. The deep thinkers and rational among us know that the deep waters do not necessarily run fat, if you will forgive a mixed metaphor in order to make a point.
Perhaps the fat bank account will satisfy the shallow thinking Mrs. Right's among us, but the worth of our potential mate lies in much deeper water. Fancy dinners, jewelry and high fashion work in the short term, but as any savvy investor knows, the worth is in the long term.
Before he got married, a friend of mine used to meet girls who were "hotties" and over the course of a few weeks he would bed them and shortly afterwards, leave them in search of the next hottie. My answer to him each time he would ask me what I thought of them was, "Sooner or later, you have to talk to them." I think he understood what I was saying, since he would later come to his senses and marry the woman with the best combination of brains and beauty. They have since had two children together and I can imagine that they will be together until death do them part.
Neither of them has a fat wallet, but both of them have fat values and love for each other. They are raising a nice family together and I'm sure their children will be the beneficiaries of their combined wisdom, and not necessarily spoiled by the fact that they may shop at WalMart.
I love a good question.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon

Title sponsor Kathy Ireland, left, poses with LPGA Tournament of Champions golf tournament winner Lorena Ochoa, of Mexico, on Sunday, Nov. 12, 2006, at Magnolia Grove in Mobile, Ala. Ochoa won by 10 strokes.

Sunday television. A rich, bountiful wonderland or a vast wasteland? It depends on your perspective, which I suppose is true of almost everything. It's raining and miserable here in the great Northeast, so I sat down for an afternoon of football and entertainment.

Over on BBC World, we were treated to an outside perspective on Tuesday's elections, complete with Rumsfeld's speech of resignation, where he said that we were in a "misunderstood war". Well, why, Mr. Rumsfeld, is the war misunderstood? If it is within your sphere of influence to impress upon us the importance of this "first war of the 21st Century", then you and your former boss have failed miserably. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Rumsfeld made that "first war" remark with the same pride that one would announce one's first born or first job. What's wrong with these people?
They should be ashamed of what they've done, yet they act strangely proud.

The BBC commentator described Tuesday's election results as a "shift in the tectonic plates" of government. Well put, sir -- whomever you are.

Over on Fox, they're promoting the new Simpson's movie, which is due on July 27, 2007. July! Geez, am I supposed to remember that? I have a dentist appointment in January that I'll probably forget about. Talk about over-hype.

Meanwhile, over on the Golf Channel, Lorena Ochoa is kicking Paula's butt. She's 24 and talented, and there may be a new Queen of women's golf on the horizon. Like Annika, one can say Lorena and know exactly to whom you are referring.

Then, on our local PBS station, good old Norm Abram is working on building something that I would rather buy than build. It looks so easy, with his $10,000 worth of tools and gadgets, plus, it looks so simple on the TV:
NORM: Let's cut this in the [$5,000] jig and see how it fits together.
NORM: Wow, look at that ... fits like a glove.

No shit, Sherlock. It's a TV show. Do you think they'd show us if it didn't fit?

DIRECTOR: Take 17! Norm, this time, try to concentrate, will ya? We're running out of wood.
NORM: OK. It's hard with the lights and all. Plus, I really can't read this ruler. Is that a sixteenth or eighth? What's it look like to you?
DIRECTOR: It looks like another thousand dollars if you don't f***ing FOCUS!
NORM: All right ... look ... this wood is brittle. Can't we just go to IKEA?
DIRECTOR: If people wanted to go to IKEA, they'd buy a Fjord and an Allen wrench. ACTION!

Then, I switch over to MSNBC, where Tim Russert is interviewing future (not) Republican candidate John McCain, whom I used to like.
John goes on to tell us that when oil was $10 a barrel, he didn't think Ethanol was a good idea, but when it was $40 a barrel, it was. When Tim calls him on it - by showing him NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS of him saying it, John says, "I don't think I said that", which, in essence is calling Tim and the newspaper liars.
Well, John, either Ethanol is a good idea or it's not. It really doesn't matter how much oil costs. CD players are a good idea, too; even though I still have a cassette player. Go scratch your ass, John.
I'm officially off the bandwagon - if I was ever on it. My bandwagon runs on batteries, anyway, and you're a short-sighted clown.

Methinks John is only interested in foistering his own political agenda, and will even contradict himself in his effort to secure the Republican nomination.
He went on to say that he believed that the country was "conservative and right-leaning" and that the elections were not a real expression of how America felt.

If elections aren't a true measure of how we feel, then maybe you shouldn't bother running, because we're going to kick your Arizona ass to the curb. Americans can smell a phony, and you're as phony as they come.