A Major Scientific Breakthrough

WASHINGTON - The tiny parasite undulates under the microscope like some creature from a sci-fi movie, but this one is all too real, latching onto the sexually unwary with tentacle-like probes. Now scientists have mapped the genes of the nasty little bug that causes one of the world's most common, and arguably least recognized, sexually transmitted infections, called trichomoniasis.

This image provided by the journal Science, is a scanned electron micrograph showing Trichomonas vaginalis parasites (green) adhering to vaginal epithelial cells (pink) collected from vaginal swabs.

Here's the same photo magnified 10 billion times, which shows the two individual cells responsible for the spread of Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Scientists have given these cells the name Bushdickonus...

This image shows the Dickonus virus that has attached itself to the Bushonus cell. These cells were captured from vaginal swabs collected from Secretary of State Condolezza Rice. Recently, the Rumsfelonus virus detached itself from the Dickonus, but is rumored to be infecting several cells outside the city.

Join the Air Force and See the ... um ... World

U.S. Air Force Staff Sgt. Michelle Manhart poses for a photo in San Antonio, Thursday, Jan. 11, 2007. Manhart, who is featured in the February issue of Playboy magazine, has been relieved of her duties pending an investigation.

Oscar Balladares, spokesman for Lackland Air Force Base, said, "This staff sergeant's alleged action does not meet the high standards we expect of our airmen."

Hmm ... it's a good thing she isn't in the Navy.

[reflective pause while you take in the potential joke ... ]

And, Jesus, are we so politically correct that we have to say "alleged action" when there are actual photos? Either she disobeyed the rules and posed for the magazine or didn't. The Air Force spokesman (whose crew cut I can hear) probably couldn't get an offer to pose for Field and Stream, let alone take his clothes off for money.

What are they investigating, exactly? If the investigation is as efficient as most other things the government does, she'll wind up with a promotion and commendation. Unless, of course, they can prove that she was on some Swift Boat or something.

The big advantage to being in Playboy over being in the Air Force is that nobody shoots at the magazine, and the money's better.

Fuck 'em and run, kid. You're only young once.

Lightening it Up

The word is that I have managed to depress some people around here by posting horrible news that I happened to read yesterday. Welcome to the real world.

I was asked to “lighten it up a little” in my comments box.

"What do you say about posting some cheerleader pictures or something, hmm? Lighten the mood?"

Here’s one I found. Quite the hottie, eh? Calm down girls, he’s spoken for...

At a Loss for Words

There's a saying that goes, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything". In that spirit, I will just post the first couple of lines from a few news stories today. I'm going to try to sleep through it. Talk amongst yourselves.

WASHINGTON - Unswayed by anti-war passions, President Bush was to say Wednesday he will send 21,500 additional U.S. forces to Iraq to quell its near-anarchy. He was to acknowledge for the first time he had erred by failing to order a troop buildup last year.

WASHINGTON - There were 744,000 homeless people in the United States in 2005, according to the first national estimate in a decade. A little more than half were living in shelters, and nearly a quarter were chronically homeless, according to the report Wednesday by the National Alliance to End Homelessness, an advocacy group.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Beluga whales swimming off Alaska's largest city are at considerable risk of going extinct unless something is done to help them, a federal study says.

WASHINGTON - The House voted to raise the federal minimum wage Wednesday for the first time in a decade, to $7.25 an hour. All 233 Democrats voted for the minimum wage measure, along with 82 Republicans. All 116 votes in opposition came from Republicans.

CHICAGO (Reuters) - U.S. home prices may have dipped over the past year, but many American workers would still struggle to afford a median-priced home in major cities, a new study said on Wednesday.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Supporters and opponents of human embryonic stem cell research promoted their positions on Wednesday ahead of a congressional vote on the issue, but the White House made clear it disapproves of any changes in legislation.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - More than 120,000 obese Americans had some kind of surgery to help them lose weight in 2004, with the biggest increase among middle-aged people, according to a study released on Wednesday. In 1998, 772 people aged 55 to 64 had gastric bypass, stapling or some similar procedure known as bariatric surgery to help weight loss. But that number ballooned to 15,086 in 2004, according to the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality.

WASHINGTON (AFP) - 2006 was the warmest year on record in the United States and the sixth warmest in all the world, the National Climate Data Center (NCDC) said.

Amazing Coincidences

Dear Amazon.com Customer,
We've noticed that customers who have expressed interest in Faith Hope Love by King's X have also ordered Create the Health, Vitality and Energy You Deserve: Energy for Life by Anthony Robbins. For this reason, you might like to know that Anthony Robbins's Create the Health, Vitality and Energy You Deserve: Energy for Life is now available. You can order your copy for just $19.98 by following the link below.

Gosh ... thanks Amazon! Actually, it sounds more like a strange coincidence to me, but what do I know? When I was busy ordering a King's X CD, I had no idea that my purchase was spawning a reference file that linked me with another CD by that scary guy with the big teeth that I see on TV way too much. I would have thought that maybe they would link me to his CD because we have the same first name.

And, wouldn't ya think that the guy would catch a shave before they shot the cover to his CD? Maybe he saves all his hygiene energy for making CDs?

MEANWHILE....

Dear New Jersey voter,

As someone who has voted for both George W. Bush and former "Gay American" Governor James McGreevey, we thought you might like to know that New Jersey is to consider cutting the word 'idiot' from its constitution so that people with some mental disabilities won't be barred from voting. We've noticed that people who do stupid things and generally act like idiots have been voting in record numbers. That's why we thought you might like to know that there may be a change to your voter registration.

State Senate President Richard Codey, a Democrat who was previously acting governor of New Jersey, said in a statement the term "idiot" is "outdated, vague, offensive to many and may be subject to misinterpretation."

Here in New Jersey, we prefer to think of idiots as Republicans, who, for the past two elections appear to be suffering from some sort of learning disablilty.

Men in Blue

If you haven't done it already, do it soon.

If you thought that maybe it was some sort of oddity or perhaps it was a flash in the pan or that it wasn't up to the hype, you were wrong.

If you figured that the ticket prices were too high, or that perhaps there could not be enough entertainment to justify the cost, you figured wrong. The fact is, they don't charge enough.

It's funny, smart and as full an evening of entertainment as you will ever experience. Trust me on this.

They're on tour, and perhaps they are coming to a city near you (or directly at you). It is impossible for me to express in words what the show is about, or how much enjoyment you will derive from it. Just go.

It's more than just banging on tubes. That's only some of it, and it isn't necessarily the best part.

Go to the show. Either go to Las Vegas and see them at the Venetian, or catch them when they ramble through town. After you see the show, you'll put up a post on your blog (provided you have one) telling people to go and finding no words to describe what happened.

Ready. Go.

A Little Note to Dieters

WASHINGTON - The Federal Trade Commission said Thursday it was fining the marketers of four weight-loss drugs a collective $25 million for false advertising claims. Despite that, the pills - Xenadrine EFX, CortiSlim, One-A-Day WeightSmart and TrimSpa - will remain on store shelves.
"It is resolution time again, isn't it?" said FTC Chairman Deborah Platt Majoras. "We're implementing our resolution to fight back against companies that use deceptive advertising claims."

Anyone who has seen the film Jurassic Park will remember the scene where the dinosaurs first escape into the park, after Newman breaks down the computer system and shuts down the power. As the dinosaurs (not necessarily from the Jurassic Period) roam the park eating people and each other, Dr. Ian Malcolm, the mathemetician of the group, played by Jeff Goldblum, says quietly to himself, "I really hate being right all the time."

When I read the first paragraph of the news story I posted at the top, I said (quietly) to myself, "I really hate being right all the time." Well, not necessarily all the time, since that would take all the mystery out of life, but some things are just too obvious to be anything but rotten to the core; and this is a prime example.

"Testimonials from individuals are not a substitute for science," Majoras said. "And that's what Americans need to understand."

Gosh, you mean Anna Nicole Smith would lie to me? I'm mortified! If I can't trust a former Playboy model turned TV-star who married a rich old guy and fucked him for his money, who can I trust? She told me those pills would make my ass disappear. Turned out, all they did was make my money disappear. Damn you, woman!

Majoras said Xenadrine had a study showing that people who took a placebo lost more weight than those taking the pill. The FTC's investigation also found that consumer endorsers - people who appear in the before-and-after pictures in many ads - lost weight by engaging in rigorous diet and exercise programs.

Go figure. Rigorous diet and exercise makes you lost weight. Damn you, science! In case you don't know, I'm writing a weight loss book. I figure it should be simple, since people like simple. I'll charge ten bucks, and you can download it from my web site, when I get one. I'll give you a preview.

CHAPTER ONE

Eat less food.

CHAPTER TWO

Get some exercise.

THE END

So, I still have to add a nifty cover, and get some celebrity endorsements. I figure Oprah is good for a diet book endorsement, and I'm sure Kirstie Alley will chip in with a recommedation. Then, I'll add a reference section so you can find the handy passages that you'll need to accomplish your goals, so you don't have to flip through the whole book to find the important advice.

There's no easy road, folks. People who tell you otherwise are out to take your money, and apparently, they are successful at it. Pills. Move your ass and stop looking for the easy way out. That's my admonishment for today. And, in case you think I'm making it up, here's a little more words of wisdom:

Joan Salge Blake, a professor of nutrition at Boston University, said dieters should do what they've heard before -cut calories, eat healthier foods and exercise.
"If a pill sounds too good to be true, it probably is," she said.

Get some finger exercise and read the entire article here.