My Sick Mind

I might decide to run for president. If I do, I've plotted out my platform. It has nothing to do with high gasoline prices, health care reform or taxes. Those things are out of our control, so let's work on the things we can fix. Drive-thru windows at fast food places will be limited to two total orders. Anybody ordering from a list, ordering anything that involves more than two beverages or who has a carload of young athletes will immediately have their order rescinded and made to get out of their car and move their fat ass inside. The Drive-thru window should be the food equivalent of the supermarket Express Lane. Children and animals will not be allowed to be used in advertising. Network television will be limited to two "reality" shows. I don't care which ones, pick two. And they cannot be scheduled on the same night. Speaking of television , it will once again be free. Cable television is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour...

I've gotten hundreds of page hits from Paula Abdul searches over the past week, and the result they come to is a silly essay I wrote about going to the dentist , in which I happened to mention that Paula was on the Regis and Kelly show. So that they aren't further wasting their time, I feel obligated to chime in on the latest flap of my least favorite television show, American Idol, beating a dead horse, as it were. I'm assuming the searches are over her so-called flub last week when she critiqued a second song by a singer who hadn't sung it yet. That is leading to all sorts of questions and issues over the comment. There is only one explanation that makes any sense: The show is scripted and the results are pre-determined. That should come as no surprise to regular readers who have seen me lambaste the program over the years because I never believed that it was a credible talent show, and often question its motives. The show is fixed. How else could one explain whi...

See if you can tell the difference between John McCain and George W. Bush. Click on this link for a quiz, then stick around for the "McCain or a Carrot" portion, where you'll find out whether John McCain is a better candidate than a carrot. You might be surprised. Or not. Meanwhile, the president said that he has confidence that the economy is going to rebound. " I know it's tough times, and I know you're having to pay more at the fuel pump than you want," Bush said. "But this economy is going to come on." I don't think he was allowed to finish the sentence. "This economy is going to come on your face." There, that's it. Bukkakenomics. I made up a word. That dopey stimulus payment that is supposed to give the economy its little boost is coming imminent too. For us single people, it's a whopping $600. By the time I get the check, I'll have to spend it on my car insurance, water and sewer bill and a half tank of gas...

The D.C. Madam hung herself . Presumably over the guilty verdict that was handed out over her prostitution conviction last month. The so-called "ring" earned her at least $2 million. That's where the conflict starts. We have a conflict over sex in our (American) society. Sex sells almost everything, and sex even sells pills that are designed to help us have more, lasting and (they say) better sex. However, when it comes down to actually having sex, we have a problem. We aren't supposed to pay for it, unless we're in Nevada and we're not allowed to talk about it unless we're on satellite radio or the Internet. Confused? We all are. So, the courts charge and convict people like Deborah Jeane Palfrey and others who run professional escort services that are called Escort Services because we can't call them what they really are. Sex for hire services. If we could call them Sex for Hire Services the courts would have no one to try and convict and maybe t...

The presidential candidates are in Indiana now, pursuing the elusive “working class”. How much pandering can we stand? As a working class person myself, I resent the undue attention. We’re supposed to think that they care about us because, as Hillary did yesterday, they pick out a typical citizen and buddy-up to him. Yesterday, Hillary rode with Jason Wilfing, whom she watched pump $63 worth of gasoline into his half-full pickup truck gas tank. She proclaimed that “The oil companies are making out like bandits!” We in the working class always knew that, even when gasoline was a dollar a gallon. Nice one, Hill. Maybe she should have asked Jason why he drove such a big truck and how much he actually uses it. Then, she could have checked her voting record on CAFE standards, subsidies for oil companies and breaks for auto manufacturers. But all of that wouldn’t have helped her win the votes of the commoners. We’re here for ya, Hillary, because we know that deep down, you’re just like us a...

"The packaging for a microwavable "microwave" dinner is programmed for a shelf life of maybe six months, a cook time of two minutes and a landfill dead-time of centuries." ~ David Wann It must suck to be Roger Clemens these days. Besides the steroid allegations, now he's being accused of having an affair wi th Mindy McCready when she was 15-years old . They're saying it was a "friendly" relationship and not sexual. Uh-huh. And I'm the Queen of England. Maybe it's payback for all that fame and fortune or maybe it's just that he's a skunk. I'm going with skunk, since I believe that the Universe is a randomly divined sequence of events and that such things as luck, payback and coincidence are excuses. I'm wondering where the end is. The end for the price of gasoline, food and other staples of modern life. Cable TV is outrageously priced. If you don't have health care, prescription drugs are almost impossible to afford. Go...

How did I spend my Sunday afternoon? Thanks for asking. In the rainy and cloudy weather we had, what better way than to watch two of the LPGA's best players battle it out in sunny Florida? I know, you could think of a dozen better things, but that's part of the "sick" title, isn't it? Rather than watch 6th round NFL draft picks on ESPN, [yawn] I decided (prudently) to wander over to ESPN2 to watch the girls battle it out in Adventura, Florida. It was Annika versus Paula Creamer in what would become a sudden death playoff. For the record, the "death" part is exaggerated. They're both alive and well, although one of them (Annika) has a big glass trophy and the other one has to deal with defeat. Paula will be just fine. For those of you who may not know, the actors are preparing to strike, as their writing brethren did a few months ago. Their contract expires on June 30, and Hollywood is nervous about the "talent" walking out just as the...