My Sick Mind

In the spirit of the holidays, the Shelton Brothers is being denied permission to sell Santa's Butt Winter Ale because they are depicting an image of Santa enjoying a frosty mug. They have taken their case to federal court . Last year, they had trouble selling Seriously Bad Elf Ale, so I suppose there is precedent. NEWS FLASH: Santa is a fictional character and beer is not allowed to be sold or consumed by minors. Let's get a life and, while you're at it, a sense of humor. I know what you're asking. "What does a semi-hip, moderately intelligent individual do on a Saturday night?" Other than blogging, and wishing that he was at an office Christmas party, of course...He watches TV - sometimes in rapt amazement of what he is seeing. For instance: Over on the Home Shopping Channel , there's superstar game show host Chuck Woolery hawking hats with little LED lights in them. "They're perfect stocking stuffers!" he proclaims, and the host cheeril...

Wow - all that emotional soul-searching over the past week ... I need a break ... and maybe you do, too. What I really need is a vacation. Maybe soon. Meanwhile, 'tis the season for arguing about religion, and what better center of controversy than Christmas. There's another of these Falwell things going on. I thought he faded from view - but like a case of herpes, he returns. And, this: Two weeks ago , the Marine Reserves Toys for Tots program in Los Angeles overcame concerns about accepting a donation of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls that quote Bible verses by promising to make sure the dolls reach Christian children. Sure. Nothing like preaching to the choir, as it were. So, do the kids have to fill out an application, or do their parents vouch for their kids' Christian beliefs? Would you rather your child run around repeating "booty bitch" or spouting Bible verses? I think booty bitch is way more entertaining, especially at the holidays! "Pass the cranb...

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it ... like my heart's going to cave in." - Ricky Fitts (American Beauty) We spend almost as much money on making ourselves look beautiful as we spend on anything else. Hair products, makeup, clothing, skin care and so many other things that we believe contribute to making ourselves more attractive. Generally, we do it for the opposite sex. Men don't care if their buddies shave or wear nice clothes, just don't stink up the place. Soap is cheap. Single people are especially sensitive to their outward appearance. We are constantly on the prowl, and we pretend that if we look our best and smell nice then those we are trying to attract will think that we are better than we really are. It's the game that we've been playing for as long as we've been playing. The rules change over time. Powdered wigs were replaced by fancy haircuts and mousse. Soap and running water must...

Fix the problem, not the blame. - Japanese proverb If we can find out who is to blame for our lot in life, then maybe our lot in life isn't our fault. We are fat because we eat foods rich in trans fats, we get lung cancer because the tobacco companies sell us cigarettes, alcoholism is a disease and our kids are on drugs because they watch too much violence on television. Our lives are someone else's responsibility, and if we can find someone to sue for it, then more's the better. Smoking is a horrible habit, and lately, smoking has become social anathema. Smokers are forced outside to consume their devil weed, lest they infect the rest of us who have chosen to lead a healthy life - in a bar drinking or in a restaurant eating fatty foods full of creamy sauces. Smoking is bad, and you'll do it outside. Millions of dollars in lawsuits are filed every year against tobacco companies because smokers die from lung cancer. It was not the smokers' fault, it was the fault of...

The gym is a great place. Full of interesting characters doing interesting things. One of the interesting things about the workout experience is the ability to observe people in their underwear doing strange things with machines that may be better used as Medieval torture devices. One man's adversity is another man's lazy-ass behavior. Watching peopl e do 20-pound leg extensions qualifies as "lazy-ass" in my book. My inner personal trainer wants to yell, "Put some weight on the Goddamned thing! Your shoes weigh 3 pounds!" But, the outer Politeness Man looks away, and figures that they will be gone in a few months - frustrated at not making any progress. Muscles grow in response to adversity - some people shrink. On Monday night, the 20-pounders were at work, when I heard one of them exclaim, "This is hard!" Oy - mother of God - give me the strength to keep quiet. Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say that he appreciated the gym because the weig...

For some real topical humor, turn to the folks at National Lampoon . Click here for a swell tribute to the Seinfeld show and our newest, bestest buddy - Kramer - a.k.a. Michael Richards. Thanks to Daniel Rubin over at Blinq for the link. For a taste of Philly, stop by.

Kimmyk - How do I begin to thank you? She's all about this tagging ritual, for whom we have Ch'i to blame. She wants those of us who have been tagged to reveal 6 weird things about ourselves, which I suppose will either open us up to public ridicule or allow our mind to get itself around the strangeness and make us whole. I think I did this before , but God knows there are so many more. Geez. Mental health is so overrated. According to the rules… Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you”. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog. 1 - Hot food hot. Cold food cold. If food is served hot, leftovers cannot be eaten cold. The ex used to eat cold pizza for breakfast. You know how that relationship...

If Franklin Roosevelt was right when he said, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself", then we have a lot to be afraid of. It was easy for him to say, sitting in the White House , drawing a nice salary during the Depression and being in charge of the free world and all. The wheelchair notwithstanding, the level of fear he may have felt paled in comparison to the level being felt by people who couldn't rustle up three cents to buy bread. That was 73 years ago, and we are still in fear. Granted, the fear is different than the fear we feel now, but if "fear itself" is the enemy, then perhaps the specifics don't matter? Fear itself can also be a great motivator, so we shouldn't underestimate its value. Fear can be a useless emotion (closely related to guilt ) or it can be the fuel that feeds the ego. Whatever it is, it may be, in addition to desire, the single biggest influence on our lives - both negatively and positively. If we can make fear work ...

NBC , in cahoots with the NFL , has instituted a flexible schedule for Sunday night, where they can arbitrarily move a game that was originally scheduled for the afternoon and have it played at night on national TV. Nevermind that it may inconvenience fans who travel to see the game or have to get up for work, the almighty Television is a master who must be served. A few weeks ago, they re-scheduled tonight's Eagles-Colts game. Along the way, the Colts lost (ruining their undefeated season), the Eagles played like crap in losing to Tennessee and Jacksonville and quarterback Donovan McNabb suffered a season-ending injury last week. The once marquee match-up turned into a game that had to be sold rather than sell itself. Television, in their attempt to manufacture history, has found that history cannot be manipulated, no matter how much money they throw at it. Few things make me happier than seeing corporate America screwed over. Televisions across America are being tuned out a...

Tis the season for conforming. Perhaps nothing better defines the issue of conformity than the so-called holy season of Christmas. Brace yourselves, Druids , because some of the things I say here may shock and offend your religious beliefs. For the rest of you, go ahead and read. Christmas has nothing to do with organized religion. My favorite superhero has mused on the subject of guilt. Part of the reason we feel guilt is that we think we must conform to society's belief system, and the bigger the group, the more pressure there is on us to conform. Smaller groups can do it, too, but they have to consist of people with perceived power over us, like our boss or an IRS auditor. Few things in our lives personify conformity like the Christmas season. "What did you get?" is the biggest question that most of us will face when we return to work or school after the holiday. No one asks "What did you give ?", or if they do, they are asking it after the first ques...