My Sick Mind

You had to be there . Otherwise, you'd never believe it. Last night I ran short of cat food. Gotta have cat food. The poor guy depends on me, so off I waddled to the local grocery, which happens to be about a thousand feet from the container I call home. I picked up a few cans of Fancy Feast , along with a few snacks for me - you didn't think I was going to leave empty handed, did you? I found myself in aisle 3 - 15 items or less - which is pretty much where I am all the time. As I was paying ( cash - go figure) a woman rolled in behind me with a cart full of junk. Laura the cashier, took notice almost immediately. LAURA: Ma'am, excuse me, how many items do you have? MA'AM: [startled but composed and counting] Um ... three, five ... oh, am I in the express lane? LAURA: Yes you are. MA'AM: [politely] Oh, I'm sorry. She rolled her cart over to one of the regular lanes. Me, [startled but composed] joked with the cashier. ME: You have to keep your eye...

I love a good political cartoon. Tom Toles is about the best there is. I like the way he draws these two clowns. McCain looks like a pile of mashed potatoes and Palin looks like ... well ... Palin. That's the beauty of it. I see she has admitted defeat and is about to appear on Saturday Night Live . When is that on? The other night in North Carolina, Palin said that she likes visiting the "pro America" parts of the country. Gosh, Sarah - do ya think we're not pro America in America? Chalk that up to another of her dopey comments. "Being here with all of you hardworking, very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans," the Republican vice presidential candidate said. Ugh. Meanwhile, old Joe the Plumber (boy, are they sorry they brought that up) owes back taxes and makes less than $250,000 a year; so he would get a tax cut under Obama's ...

La Dolce Vita. Yeah, right. For some of us it means naked mannequins. I find it interesting that their feet appear to be cloven. They took all the trouble to give them nipples but omitted toes. That says something about society. I’m not sure what it says, but it says something. Thanks to Christina for the photo . As it turns out, I share a birthday today with Manute Bol, Tim Robbins, Nico and Bob Weir, among others … and a big shout-out to King James II of Scotland, who would be 578 years old today if he were alive today, which I realize is highly unlikely. Today is the day I found out why those web sites wanted my birth date. I’m getting e-mail from all of them, wishing me a happy birthday and letting me know that I can save 20% if I shop there on my birthday. Well, that isn’t much of a gift, is it? Happy birthday. Buy something from us. That’s one of those marketing gimmicks. “Buy two and save.” Buy two and spend is more like it. Some folks around here are living la dolce vita ...

Cole Hamels earned his place among the pantheon of great Phillies pitchers tonight by pitching the Phils into the World Series against the beloved (by television) Dodgers. Yours truly (me) has a ticket for game 4 on Sunday, October 26. Until then, the Phillies are National League Champions. Anything else takes second place. We take our sports seriously around here. Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing.

That's right. It's Boss's Day. Although I think the correct punctuation is Boss' Day, (or at least Bosses Day) but let's not quibble; let's celebrate! One of society's little glitches is that people who are famous or popular generally don't have to pay for much. They get comped at casinos, free meals when they dine out and gifts from fans who think they can give them something they couldn't buy for themselves if they really wanted it. That's why I'm amazed whenever I see someone picking up a dinner check for a person whose salary has more zeroes than this season's Dancing With the Stars . Let them buy their own crap. So, in order to honor that little conundrum, some sick bastard dreamed up Boss' Day . It's October 16, so I've left you at least 24 hours to go out and buy your poor put-upon boss something nice. Here's the history, just so you know: Patricia Bays Haroski registered "National Boss' Day" wit...

Monday was a holiday of sorts around here. It's called Columbus Day and they tell us it is to commemorate Christopher Columbus' "discovering" America. I was always confused over how a guy could have discovered something that was already inhabited by people. I'm used to being told to "shut up and listen." Of course, that's about as factual as Santa Claus, and you don't see us having a holiday for ... oh. Sorry. Next. I was home earlier than usual, and when I'm home and flip on the local evening news I am amazed at the traffic reports. Why? Because I find it absurd that they report traffic on television news. They tell us to stay away from certain roads because they are jammed. Are drivers watching TV? I suppose the whole thing is concocted so that home viewers can watch and call their special someones with traffic updates while they're driving around, but that can't be right because we have laws against using the cell phone ... oh. S...

I hate the Dodgers. Their fraud fans that come late and leave early. Their stupid name that has nothing to do with Los Angeles - the Brooklyn trolley dodgers. It's about as relevant as the Utah Jazz. And the Hollywood nonsense. How does Pat Sajak get a seat next to the Dodger dugout? Did you see him? Sure you did. He was on the screen a thousand times. He should be in right field with Vanna White , turning the numbers on the scoreboard . And Mary Hart behind home plate ... don't get me started. The Dodgers clobbered the Phillies tonight 7 to 2 in what was part baseball game and part Hollywood spectacular. Awards shows don't have as many celebrities as these games. Between that and the shameless Fox promos for their lame TV shows it's amazing that they managed to work in a baseball game. The Fox coverage is so biased toward LA it's disgusting. They got Danny DeVito to give out the Phillies lineup before the game. Why? Because he is in a Fox show called I t's...

I did some heavy duty bike commuting today. 26 miles in and around Gloucester County, which probably qualifies me for some sort of battle commendation. After a few stops, I quietly wondered to myself how I had managed to go 15 miles without a major confrontation with one of New Jersey's courteous drivers. No sooner did I wonder than it happened. While crossing an overpass on a 4-lane highway, a blowhole in a white pick-up truck passed me in close proximity and laid on his horn while doing so. This not only irritated me, but confirmed my feelings about goons in big trucks. As though it isn't hard enough riding a bicycle up a hill in traffic, I need this wanker blowing his horn at me. Usually, such actions offer no repercussions, since the driver is usually much faster than I. As fortune would have it, he had to obey a red light at an intersection less than 200 feet from the overpass, giving me the time to catch him and hatch my plot. Seeing that the passenger window was o...