My Sick Mind

I'm sitting here at work , listening to the instrumental MUZAK version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". Is there any more pointless song to play without vocals? What's next, the instrumental version of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"? Help me.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Americans will spend nearly 10 hours a day watching television, surfing the Internet, reading books, newspapers and magazines and listening to music this year, the U.S. Census Bureau said on Friday. In its "Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2007" released on Friday, the agency also noted that Americans drink about a gallon of soda a week, along with a half gallon each of milk, bottled water, coffee and beer. All of which may help explain another figure in the pages of the 1,300-page book of tables and statistics: About two-thirds of Americans are overweight, including one-third of whom are obese. I wonder where these numbers come from? Let's do a little mathematics - very little, since I know you want to get back to your Internet activities. Six hours sleep. I know we're supposed to say eight, but... really.. . and 10 ... That's 16 hours, plus at least 8 hours at work leaves us zero . I realize that some of those activities can be ...

O ur Federal Government is just now finding out that automobile drivers encounter traffic, run their air-conditioners and frequently drive faster than 60mph. The Environmental Protection Agency, which only now - for model year 2008 - is changing the way it tests mileage for the first time since 1984. The new procedures announced this week will consider a variety of factors collectively known as reality. These overdue improvements will reduce the average vehicle's estimated mileage - the one that appears on window stickers in the showroom - by 12% for city driving and 8% for highway driving. And, as you could guess, auto makers are not happy about the change. Why? Because it may mean that people will start buying less profitable small cars, instead of house-sized bohemoths; whose drivers actually brag about their car getting 15 miles per gallon. The beautiful combination of bureaucratic sloth and special interest politics have finally given way to consumer complaints and f...

My teeth are clean. I just thought you might like to know. I had my six-month dental check-up (the official check-up-from-the-neck-up) and I was pronounced "Good for another six months." So, those of you who may be planning on doing something with me after June 13th ... I really can't commit to anything right now. That really screws with the trip to Wakarusa I was planning this summer. One day at a time, I guess. I made another appointment for June 27th, so I guess the joke is on them! While I was in the dental chair, they allowed me to watch the TV. There was a minor earthquake just outside of Reading, PA; in Berks County. The local Action News reporter was there, on the scene. He chose to interview a guy who was in the area at the time. REPORTER: So, you were here at the time of the earthqake? GUY: Yes, I was working here from noon till now, today. REPORTER: Did you feel the earthquake? GUY: Nope. I didn't see or feel anything. Breaking news, folks. ...

I ask myself many questions. I don’t get many answers, but that doesn’t keep me from asking. One I asked myself today was, “Would it be considered ‘justifiable homicide’ if I killed the guy who installed our MUZAK system at work?” I asked myself this after hearing Andy Williams sing “Happy Holidays” for the six-billionth time. Maybe I don't want to kill him as much as I just want to smack hi m in the back of the head and tell him how he has contributed to the destruction of thousands of brain cells. Don’t turn your back on me, Mr. MUZAK installation guy. How many different times can I hear “Jingle Bells” or “Frosty the Snowman” before it starts to work on my subconscious, and I am no longer responsible for my actions? Apparently, the music industry (and the MUZAK industry) feels as though we need one more version of “The Little Drummer Boy” – reggae mix, jazz mix, punk mix, pizzicato stri ng mix or Bowie and Bing mix – but here it is, mere ly the 12 th of December, ...

All this talk about bliss and its consequences has stirred up quite a little firestorm in this little corner of the Blogosphere. A post here , another one there and even one over here someplace that may or may not be the spark of the whole thing. Whatever it is, it is free thinking, and nothing irritates the More-moral-than-thou bunch than individuality and free thinking. Deep down inside, they would like us all to be the same. The sames would stay with the sames, and the differents would ... well, they would be ostracized to some island where they couldn't influence the sames and make them realize that they were cheap imitations of themselves. Ostracized is an interesting word. Without doing research (something I gave up after I graduated college) I would say that it has its roots in the Ostrich, who reacts to the different by sticking its head in the ground. The sames would probably do that, if they could get their head out of their ass long enough to put it in the ground. Free...

Girls ... girls ... girls ... please. A seemingly innocent post about a news story about some Indian men and their difficulties with prophylactics has started a mini-Bloggerstorm of comments, questions and concerns over the size of our junk. Katie asked a question in my comments box (no pun intended) , Pam added Kerosene to the fire by answering her and Kimmyk put up an entire post asking about the average size. Penis this, penis that ... penis, penis, penis. Holy shit, Hannah. Geez, girls - get a grip. Let's talk about shopping. 'Tis the season ... Or so it seems. I guess the season we think it is depends upon our upbringing. Every time the Christmas (excuse me, the holiday ) shopping season comes around, it makes me think about the variances in our lives and how those variances interact with those of us who get in the way. The first thing that comes to mind is that we are all forced to drive someplace. Driving is one of those social skills that not all of us posses, but ...