My Sick Mind

For a lot of people, numbers are important. I'm not just talking about numbers in general, but those even sorts of numbers. Tenth anniversary, Twenty-fifth reunion, first annual ... junk like that. Usually, it has something to do with a celebration. Whatever the reason, the twelfth, third or forty-second anniversaries aren't as important. Turn 40 years old, and people start hanging black crosses on your desk. At 41, you're a forgotten man. That's what makes it so odd that our president is just not figuring out that the war in Iraq is kind of a big deal, and maybe he needs to re-think his approach. One headline said, "Time to reflect as death toll reaches 3,000" . Another told us that U.S. Peace Groups have begun to rally now that the toll has reached that milestone number. "We must bear witness to this tragic milestone, even though many people are already beginning their celebrations of the new year," the group United for Peace and Justice said on ...

Oh ... 2007 looks like a Helluva year... In the year 2007 I resolve to: Start using a condom. Get your resolution here. Meanwhile... The final Mega Millions drawing of 2006 r esulted in more than 585,000 winning tickets, but none of them hit the jackpot. That means the excitement continues to build, and the Mega Millions jackpot for January 2, 2007 grows to an estimated $84 million . Here is a complete breakdown of all 587,301 winning tickets in Friday's drawing: Jackpot Winners 0 tickets matched all 6 numbers for: jackpot Other Prize Wi nners Prize Amount* 5 tickets matched 5 numbers for $250,000 27 tickets matched 4 numbers + the Mega Ball for $10,000 1,355 tickets matched 4 numbers for $150 1,716 tickets matched 3 numbers + the Mega Ball for $150 29, 105 tickets matched 2 numbers + the Mega Ball for $10 79, 893 tickets ...

Here we go. If you had just one wish for 2007, what would it be? One thing you really want to have happen to make all of our lives better? C'mon ... think. One thing. You know you want it. It's on the tip of your tongue ... give up? I thought so. THURSDAY , Dec. 28, 2006 (HealthDay News) -- A large majority of Americans say they support changes in public policy to stem the rising tide of obesity among adults, a new survey shows. THAT'S IT! Another law! You probably thought it was an end to the war or some infectious disease cure -- dumbass. It's a law. We need a law against fat people. Get with the program, peeps. But wait, there's more... "There is a lot of support for employer and health policies aimed at preventing obesity," said lead researcher Bernard Fuemmeler, an assistant professor in the department of community and family medicine at Duke University Medical Center, in Durham, N.C. "This study provides tangible evidence that people support w...

As we close in on another New Year's Day , a few things come to mind. The sick one, don't-cha know. There's the thing that we say to each other around the holidays. "In case I don't see you, have a Happy New Year!" In case I don't see you? What's that mean? So, what happens if I do see you? Have a good new year, regardless. Call me. And, what's the holiday anyway? It's the first day of a new calendar year, yet it's a legal holiday. Is it "National Hangover Day", or just an excuse for another day off? Part of me doesn't get all the fuss. Here in the Philadelphia area, and specifically in the city, we have something called the Mummer's Parade . Being born and reared here, I'm supposed to embrace the parade as some sort of local ritual. For the record, I think it's ridiculous. There, I said it. It's only recently that women were allowed to participate. Men would dress up like women and do that silly Mummers St...

As I have said here before, it is always the little things that get my sick mind working. While puttering around on the Internet before beginning my daily grind, I found a charming little story about the town of Novy Urengoi , in the Arctic, known as the "gas capital of Russia", which sits atop the second-largest natural gas field in the world. The story went on to detail the struggles of the people who work there, in sub-zero temperatures and all, in the pursuit of a fossil fuel. Generally, it is the only business they have there, so it really isn't so much of a struggle as it is a way of life. The last three paragraphs of the story got me going: Nikolai Dubina, one of those early pioneers, admits that the main gas field's heyday is behind it, and now it produces half of what it did in the 1980s. Now, Gazprom is starting to turn its attention to elsewhere in Russia. But for the citizens of Novy Urengoi, 70 percent of whom depend on the gas giant, a future without g...

President Bush steps from Air Force One after landing Tuesday, Dec. 26, 2006, in Waco, Texas. The president will spend the week at his nearby ranch in Crawford. See, I told ya. He can walk, carry something and salute at the same time. Practice makes perfect. That's George, carrying his chief advisor on Iraq. Once Barney gets some treats and has his afternoon nap, it's a full day for George at the ranch. I'm guessing that the dog spends most of his day saying, "Huh?" Then, he licks his balls and kisses George on the mouth. Fun at the ranch. CRAWFORD, Texas - President Bush went to his ranch Tuesday to rethink U.S. involvement in Iraq as his spokesman hailed a Baghdad court's decision upholding the death sentence for former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein. God forbid he does any thinking in Washington. I suppose that would go against the District's charter. Who wants to bet that he comes out of his self-imposed bunker to announce that we're ...

I have some web gifts for my Blogger Buddies. Of course, it's a little odd, since you can open each other's gifts, but Hell - the world is an imperfect place. That's why a Republican is in the White House. Anyway, these are just a little Internet 'thank you' for hanging with me for these last eight months. to kara: a site that you may enjoy, and another that will make you feel a bit like jackson pollock . To Carmen: Some neat pictures of cats in flight and a travel blog you might enjoy. To Pam: This site that explores an interesting psychological phenomenon, and a new blog for you to visit. To Hill: Here's a neat little site where you can fulfill your greatest fantasies and even use some of your creativity. No garden gnomes are involved. To Kimmyk: One of my favorite sites . To Firestarter5: A little homage to some of the weird things about Canada . To Sparky Duck: What's better than a win in Dallas ? I can't do any better than that. To Ka...

My weekly supermarket trip is generally odd enough to support a blog of its own, but God (and Bill O'Reilly) knows I don't need something else to do. Last night, I'm standing in line with my usual assortment of odd items, when I see the woman in front of me hesitate for a moment. The cashier had told her that her order came to $124.25, and this caused the woman to ponder, "I want to make this check out so that I get cash back. What's the limit?" That's right - the check . Of course, the cashier didn't know, because ... c'mon, who writes checks to begin with? She turned to a co-worker and asked. The response came back that the limit was $30. The woman was relieved, for some unknown reason. She said she needed more than $25. She looked at the total again, and then started to make out the check. "Is it OK if I make this out for $150 even ? I need a little extra." Which, actually is a question and a statament, but I digress. She proce...

Merry Christmas I think Bill O 'Reilly is a Fucking Idiot would have made a great name for the blog, but I think Al Franken has a better grasp of it. And I guess I wouldn't mind so much, if Bill was one of those nut-jobs standing on the street corner screaming about some war crimes or how God is gonna take us up to Heaven ... but he's a nut-job with maj or cable TV time, which really irritates me. Consider this exchange on that stupid TV show of his: O'REILLY: Sixty-two percent of Americans will have a Christmas tree, but most of the trees will be artificial. E.D. HILL (co-host): That surprises me. Only 62 percent have Christmas... O'REILLY: Yeah. And here - and here's a very - here's something that Rasmussen didn't poll but I know, that most women who like artificial trees... HILL: Yeah? O'REILLY: ...have artificial breasts. He went on to say that he saw a study done at UCLA that confirmed his stupid nonsense. I think the University sh...

President George W. Bush hands back a crying baby that was handed to him from the crowd as he arrived for an outdoor dinner with German Chancellor Angela Merkel in Trinwillershagen, Germany, July 13, 2006. Five Reasons Why the Kid is Crying: George told the kid that he's gonna go to Iraq in 17 years. It's Mary Cheney's kid. George peed on him. The baby found out that Rumsfeld was Mary's sperm donor. Wouldn't you be crying if George was holding you? Merry Christmas kid.

There is a mini shit storm going on over at Pam’s place. The comments box is all assed-up over the war and what President Dubya is doing. Here’s my two cents. This is from today’s Philadelphia Inquirer : WASHINGTON - The debate over sending more U.S. troops to Iraq intensified yesterday [Wednesday] as President Bush signaled that he will listen but not necessarily defer to balky military officers, and Army Gen. John P. Abizaid, his top Middle East commander and a leading skeptic of a so-called surge, announced his retirement. At an end-of-the-year news conference, Bush said he agreed with generals "that there's got to be a specific mission that can be accomplished" before he decides to dispatch an additional 15,000 to 30,000 troops to the war zone. But he declined to repeat his usual formulation that he will heed his commanders when it comes to troop levels. And… Bush has traditionally paid public deference to the generals. At a news conference in July, for instance,...

So, my quick trip to the grocery store resulted in a bit longer visit than necessary. The "15 items or less" line should also be revised to include "3 children or less". The kids with the grabby hands who take candy and throw it onto the conveyor and the mom who says "That's stealing!" are little reminders that perhaps single-hood suits me. Although, while other people's children are often charming and beautiful, I also have the luxury of leaving and returning home to the cat, whose biggest issue is the occasional fur ball or whatever that brown thing is that he vomits at 3am. It scares the crap out of me when I hear it (whatever it is), and I never fail to step into precisely the spot of the vomit at 3:01am when my aging bladder requires the nightly visit to the household can. I believe his devious little cat-brain has positioned it precisely where he figured. But I digress. It's Christmas, and around the office (my little Hell away from hom...

What motivates you? Fear is a pretty good motivator. Fear of unemployment makes us do a good job. Fear of having no money makes us keep our jobs – no matter how lousy they are - and around it goes. Some folks are self-motivated. They can do things on their own with little help from others. Other people need to be constantly under supervision, sometimes to the point of annoying their supervisors. Personal trainers and people like Martha Stewart make decent livings off people like this. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. We all need something to motivate us. I hope that it is a little more than a little poster with a fancy phrase, or a big book full of fancy phrases – like The Bible. Some people read it every day, while others use it to keep their bathroom door from swinging open. It’s very heavy. One thing that works for me is if I tell someone I’m going to do something. I really want to do it, but the inner lazy-boy would rather not. I tell someone, because I figure that soon eno...

There I am, Sunday night. The venerable 60 Minutes TV show is running an interview with that Larry the Cable Guy . He's one of those examples of the old saying that "no one ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the general public". Doug Stanhope hates his guts. He can't get through a show without someone yelling "Git 'R' Done!" - even though it isn't Sta nhope's line, and besides, what's the point? Anyway ... I'm watching this interview with Bob Simon, and two things strike me. One is that his stage voice is a put-on. He's from Nebraska , born and reared, and while he speaks with a bit of a drawl, it isn't nearly as affected as the voice he uses on stage. Do you know anyone from Nebraska that talks like that? I suppose we could accept it as an "act", but I've never been one to buy into the act, whether it's that Yakov Smirnoff (who I figure is a total fraud, but his fifteen minutes we...

OK, so I'm sitting around, minding my own B. I. business, and this Pam character tags me. Here are the rules : Find the nearest book. Name the book The author Turn to page 123 Go to the fifth sentence on the page Copy out the next three sentences and post to your blog. The book that is closest to me on the bookshelf: The Lives of John Lennon by Albert Goldman This was the John Lennon who could have led the Beatles forward to become the first great hard rock band of the Sixties. They might have rocked with the tough working-class beligerence of The Who, becoming a group whose musical gestures, seconded by corresponding stage gestures, would have created a rock theater that could have enabled John Lennon to enact the psychodrama seething inside his soul. The machine-wrecking tactics of The Who would have suited Lennon right down to the ground, and eventually he might have written his own Tommy (as, in a way, he did with the Primal Scream Album). Much more interesting than Pam'...

I'm sitting here at work , listening to the instrumental MUZAK version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". Is there any more pointless song to play without vocals? What's next, the instrumental version of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"? Help me.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Americans will spend nearly 10 hours a day watching television, surfing the Internet, reading books, newspapers and magazines and listening to music this year, the U.S. Census Bureau said on Friday. In its "Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2007" released on Friday, the agency also noted that Americans drink about a gallon of soda a week, along with a half gallon each of milk, bottled water, coffee and beer. All of which may help explain another figure in the pages of the 1,300-page book of tables and statistics: About two-thirds of Americans are overweight, including one-third of whom are obese. I wonder where these numbers come from? Let's do a little mathematics - very little, since I know you want to get back to your Internet activities. Six hours sleep. I know we're supposed to say eight, but... really.. . and 10 ... That's 16 hours, plus at least 8 hours at work leaves us zero . I realize that some of those activities can be ...

O ur Federal Government is just now finding out that automobile drivers encounter traffic, run their air-conditioners and frequently drive faster than 60mph. The Environmental Protection Agency, which only now - for model year 2008 - is changing the way it tests mileage for the first time since 1984. The new procedures announced this week will consider a variety of factors collectively known as reality. These overdue improvements will reduce the average vehicle's estimated mileage - the one that appears on window stickers in the showroom - by 12% for city driving and 8% for highway driving. And, as you could guess, auto makers are not happy about the change. Why? Because it may mean that people will start buying less profitable small cars, instead of house-sized bohemoths; whose drivers actually brag about their car getting 15 miles per gallon. The beautiful combination of bureaucratic sloth and special interest politics have finally given way to consumer complaints and f...

My teeth are clean. I just thought you might like to know. I had my six-month dental check-up (the official check-up-from-the-neck-up) and I was pronounced "Good for another six months." So, those of you who may be planning on doing something with me after June 13th ... I really can't commit to anything right now. That really screws with the trip to Wakarusa I was planning this summer. One day at a time, I guess. I made another appointment for June 27th, so I guess the joke is on them! While I was in the dental chair, they allowed me to watch the TV. There was a minor earthquake just outside of Reading, PA; in Berks County. The local Action News reporter was there, on the scene. He chose to interview a guy who was in the area at the time. REPORTER: So, you were here at the time of the earthqake? GUY: Yes, I was working here from noon till now, today. REPORTER: Did you feel the earthquake? GUY: Nope. I didn't see or feel anything. Breaking news, folks. ...

I ask myself many questions. I don’t get many answers, but that doesn’t keep me from asking. One I asked myself today was, “Would it be considered ‘justifiable homicide’ if I killed the guy who installed our MUZAK system at work?” I asked myself this after hearing Andy Williams sing “Happy Holidays” for the six-billionth time. Maybe I don't want to kill him as much as I just want to smack hi m in the back of the head and tell him how he has contributed to the destruction of thousands of brain cells. Don’t turn your back on me, Mr. MUZAK installation guy. How many different times can I hear “Jingle Bells” or “Frosty the Snowman” before it starts to work on my subconscious, and I am no longer responsible for my actions? Apparently, the music industry (and the MUZAK industry) feels as though we need one more version of “The Little Drummer Boy” – reggae mix, jazz mix, punk mix, pizzicato stri ng mix or Bowie and Bing mix – but here it is, mere ly the 12 th of December, ...