My Sick Mind

I think I want to start growing marijuana in my house. I have lots of closet space, and I could empty one out and throw it to the Goodwill. It beats the crap out of growing some stupid plant that all you can do is look at or smell. This takes gardening to the next level. Hey, I can't grow corn or some other cash crop, so how many other choices does a condo dweller have? Of course, I would need some equipment. One of those hydroponic deals with the giant thousand watt growing lights, and some seeds. Ya gotta have seeds. See, you didn't think I knew what I was talking about, did you? The electric bills would kick my ass. And who's to say that a giant red flag wouldn't go up at the local power company when they looked at my usage. "Um ... sir, I see that every month for the last twelve, your electric bill has been fifty-one dollars." "Yeah, so?" "Well, last month your bill was five-hundred and ten." "Must be a misprint." "Comput...

"Who dropped a whole truckload of Fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode." - Dean Vernon Wormer And every Thursday, this crap is in my mailbox. I pull it out and toss it in the recycle bin. Do I look at it? No. Do I diligently cut out the coupons and use them for my weekly purchases? No. Do I sometimes miss actual mail because it is mixed in with this crap? Yes. Do I shop at any of the stores that pay to put this crap in my mailbox? Maybe, but if I do it is a total coincidence. We have "Do not call" lists for phone solicitors - why can't we have "Do not send" lists for this kind of nonsense? I'm sure my local letter carrier would support such a measure, since his or her load would be lighter were it not for this junk that they infest my mailbox with each and every Thursday. Am I alone here? I have regular re...

“But you don’t realize, that’s where I sail!” - Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass) Lately, I’ve been enjoying peaceful, quiet lunches at work. I pay to have our local newspaper delivered to my home, and if I take it to our cafeteria, I wind up reading and re-reading the same sentence and still don’t know what I read. So, rather than sit with a half dozen people with whom I share no common interests, I prefer to use that time to widen my horizons and [egad] learn something. Regularly, the Inquirer runs editorial essays by Froma Harrop. They are always insightful and interesting. The one they ran on Wednesday was particularly so. It concerned the ongoing battle over offshore wind farms in Nantucket Sound in Massachusetts, where Teddy says he sails. I’m going to bypass all of the political wrangling that has gone on and the historical perspective that Froma brings to the debate. What I prefer to focus on is the short-sightedness of politicians and their lack of perspective, both of whi...

Tires are a pretty good metaphor for life. Around and around they go, helping us move from one place to another, sometimes for a purpose, and other times just aimlessly wandering about, just like us. The thing that is consistent is wear. It is gradual and barely noticeable, but the tire wears away. When they are new, they are bold and sharp-edged and they look good rolling around. Eventually, they don’t look as nice as the new ones, unless they stay with their own group. It's hard to notice until they are placed next to new tires, then they suddenly look old and withered. Filled with air they roll along effortlessly, but they are vulnerable to hazards. Anything big will puncture it, and stop it – literally – in its tracks. If it isn’t too big a tear, it can be repaired, and it’s back on the road. The big ones will destroy it. You can’t do much with just one tire. Unless you possess a special skill, it takes at least two to make something move, because they work more efficiently wit...

I will pander. Just so you'll know. Occasionally, an opportunity to pander presents itself and I am all to happy to oblige. I know that people are busy and their Internet searches for Alycia Lane's bikini photos have gone unsatisfied. Believe me, if I had them, you'd be the first to know. As irrelevant television programs go, the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon has jumped so many sharks that even Fonzie on a Harley couldn't get over them. What does it take to bring something to the forefront of public attention? A little slur. Jerry dropped the "F" bomb on Monday , while most of America was either watching golf, tennis or each other. Somehow, the telethon raised $64 million, but one wonders how many of those checks will be received now that Jerry has offended 10% of the population. OK, here's the pandering part.

There are a couple of sports that I enjoy watching on television, but don’t play – golf and tennis. Both were on this weekend, and as usual, they left me with more than a few questions about what in Hell is going on. The intrigue at the Deutsche Bank Championship in Massachusetts on Monday centered on the battle between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. At one point, Michelson was 5 strokes ahead with about half a round left. The commentators (Johnny Miller and Jim Nance) anointed Phil the champion and started talking about his win in the past tense. Pack up the clubs, Tiger. You have officially been pronounced dead. Those of us with healthy skepticism knew that Phil is rather famous for coughing up leads and making stupid, ill-advised shots when all he needs to do is lay up and keep playing. The best player in the world still had 10 holes left, but the TV guys felt like they had to be the first to tell us who had won – before it happened. The golf course is a quiet, almost pastoral sett...

I volunteered to be interview by Kimmyk . I like being asked questions, and I find that most people have boundaries concerning what they will or won't ask. I have no such boundaries, and I have yet to find a way to encourage the people in my personal life to ask the questions that they must be dying to ask of me. Generally, I pose my own questions to myself here on the blog - and answer them. It's nice to be asked for a change. 1-Describe a smell from your childhood and why it's so important . I had a pretty smelly childhood. Everything from mimeograph ink to sour milk and my father's carpet and tile glue that he would come home with. The one I have the best memories of is the smell of paste. I don't even know if kids use it now, but it used to come in a white jar with a brush. It was like wallpaper paste, but it had a cow on the jar. From 1964 to 1969 I kept scrapbooks of Phillies games. I'd cut out the box score, pictures, story and the standings from the new...

Once the local news got through with their "human interest" stories about what's going on for the Labor Day weekend - picnics, the Jersey shore and outdoor activities (ground-breaking stuff) - they actually stumbled onto something interesting, believe it or not. Some people in Philadelphia were among the first to test drive the Smartcar . What's a Smartcar ? It's actually a subsidiary of Mercedes and they've been selling them around the world for a while. Starting in the first half of 2008, they'll be available here in the USA. The smart fortwo pure will start under $12,000, the smart fortwo passion coupe will start under $14,000 and the smart fortwo passion cabrio will start under $17,000. The vehicle is designed to achieve 40 plus mpg under normal driving conditions and current standards. The gas tank of the smart fortwo is 8.7 gallons. It looks a bit odd, but then, new things often do. Remember when we made fun of Hyundai's? It looks like a...