My Sick Mind

Friday was my last day as a regular employee at my job.  I’ve been there 28 years. Prior to that, I worked at a company for 15 years. Those were the only two jobs I ever had.  I’ve been working since I was 18 years old, and now -- I’m not.  They call it "retirement," but it feels more like I am being laid-off with benefits.  Those benefits include health care, and a small lump-sum of money that is just enough to make me feel like I would have been better-off staying. You get the point. It’s a strange feeling. I have taken extended vacation time, but I always knew I was coming back to work. This time, the extended vacation is permanent.  I guess I should feel better about it, but I’m a firm believer that we shouldn’t tell people how to feel, and well - I don’t feel great about it. I’ll turn 62 in October, and I don’t have enough money saved to put my feet up and relax.  I feel like it’s too early to file for Social Security, and my pension isn’t enoug...

Let’s see if I can properly describe this. (Stream of consciousness posting) From the beginning, over the last year I became friends with a woman in my exercise classes. I always suspected that she was married, and after asking a few people, it turned out I was correct.  However, that didn’t deter me from continuing to be her friend, as it should not have.  She is loud, profane, fun, and smart  - and she is petite and muscular, which I find amazingly sexy. I like everything about her. Over the past several months, I found out that she was going through a lengthly divorce, and had hired a forensic accountant to examine his books, since he was stashing money away in separate accounts. “It could take a year,” she told me.  OK then, whatever, Where am I going? Last week, she invited me to go out after work with some other friends from our gym. It’s kind of a private group, and inviting me was entirely on her end. It’s kind of like a third-party invite - but I accepted it...

Robber: “Your money or your life.” [pause] Robber: “Well?” [pause] Jack Benny:  “I’m thinking it over!” That’s an old joke about being frugal. Sometimes, we are faced with that exact question, in other terms, and we have to come up with a logical answer.  Chances are, the pause will be longer than it was in the joke. The real joke is that, at some point, your money is your life. The problem with it is that you don’t always know when it will come to fruition.  My advice to young people would be, “assume that the time is tomorrow.” Generally , we go through life thinking that we will live forever and that we can continue to live the way we always have.  It’s difficult to see into the future and imagine a time when we will have to get by from week to week with nothing but what we have saved and what little the federal government will be giving us. I remember (back to my marriage again) sitting in our living room, making out checks for our bills,...

I've been following the stock market and investing for decades.  As they say, I've seen them come and go.  Rarely have I seen an IPO that has angered and incited opinion like the one of Beyond Meat (BYND) that took place last month. I don't know if it's the product, the idea that it's a "millennial" thing, or that the value of the stock has skyrocketed since its IPO, but something has set-off the ire of the investing community. I'm reading comments about how horrible the product is for our health, how it will be a flash in the pan (pun), and how it isn't any better than eating meat.  At least two of those things are fallacy. I've been eating these burgers for about a year.   Not every day, of course.  They're kind of expensive ($6 for two in the freezer section) so I generally buy a package every two weeks or so.  I enjoy the taste, and I feel good about eating something that isn't either clogging my arteries or my int...

Try as I might to conjure up some positives for this series, the images fail me greatly. Perhaps because, in the moment, they seemed positive, but in hindsight - not so much.  I don't know. Shortly after we were married, we adopted a cat.   I think I was the primary impetus for that, but I'll share the credit, since the cat clung to her immediately, and to me eventually. In March, after six months of marriage and seemingly devoid of adding a human child to the fold, we decided to go to the local Animal Shelter to find a cat to make our lives complete. I focused on a 7-year-old who had attracted my attention. Meanwhile, a tiny black kitten had clung himself to her sweater, refusing to give-in.  "OK, I guess we'll take him." "Well - what about this guy?" I asked as I peered into his furtive glance. "No. Just one." I had to say goodbye to the old man who had won my heart.  It wasn't the first time that I had to give-in to some...

Oh - let's see - what else?  There were good times, too I guess.  As the song goes, "too few to mention." We had that natural "honeymoon period," even though there was never an actual honeymoon.  That's right.  We planned as minimalist a wedding as one could plan - on mostly our own dime - and afterward, retired to our new home to collapse in two heaps. I suppose, in retrospect, I could have annulled the marriage early on under the guise of it being non-consummated?  But then, I was never one to demand sex - or anything else, for that matter. I proposed to her on her birthday.  Not a bit clever, I suppose, but then - what else?  I took her to a nice dinner at The Riverview in Carney's Point (luxurious for New Jersey) and even got down on one knee after dinner to spring my big-time $300 diamond engagement ring on her.  She figured something was up.  We had been dating for about a year-and-a-half, and I guess we both figured, "it's now...

I think I mentioned that I was tempted along the way.  Yeah, I'm certain I did, and I'm certain I was. Once before and once after.  One I wish I had gone with and one I am happy that I did not. The One Before: I do not remember when exactly it was during my time with my future ex-wife that it happened.  It was certainly after she left the company that we had both worked for, and in one of those periods where I felt like maybe - we weren't meant to be together. My company hired a woman - Gisele - and I could tell you her surname if I remembered how to spell it.  Geisele, if memory serves.  Anyway, I thought  Gisele was a beautiful name, and she differed.  "Call me GG," she demanded, and so I did, although I would occasionally throw-in a Gisele, because I liked the way it sounded.  And, I liked the way she looked and the way she paid attention to me and laughed at my stupid jokes.  Generally, I liked her. We struck-up a friendship ...

I wanted to find some humor in this string - because humor is important, and nothing in life is devoid of humor — but I could not find real humor.  Like, a pie in the face or stepping in dog shit.  There was none of that. The things I remember are the rough times.  Like, when I was ironing shirts and pants for my week of work, and she said, “If you think I’m going to iron your shirts, you’ve got another think coming.” Well - there I was, with the iron in my hand - ironing.  What other “think” did I have coming? That was early on, and I should have figured it out. The time she told me, “I am disappoionted in you,” I had no idea what she was saying, only that she was probably comparing me to her father, which was both unfair and unjust. I never figured out who I was supposed to be, only that whenever we went for “a walk” I knew that there was something about my personality that she wanted to change. The sad part is that, perhaps I should have been the o...

OK, so — how does a relationship fall apart? Glad you asked. It falls apart gradually, until finally, the pieces cannot be sewn together. When it happens, you know it. I knew it, and the gradual effect was not evident until the end. It comes upon you gradually. One incident: I was sitting in a side room, listening (on headphones) to a song by David Sylvian. The lyrics got to me: I fall outside of her She doesn't notice I fall outside of her She doesn't notice at all And mine is an empty bed I think she's forgotten. I was weeping. She heard me, and came into the room. “What is it now?” She asked, in an accusatory tone. “You don’t love me anymore,” was my reply. A moment passed, and she just turned and walked out. My suspicions confirmed. Much later - or perhaps soon, I cannot recall - she had planned a trip to visit her old college roommate (see part one) and her now husband and their new baby in Houston. Being a child of the space program, I volunteered to accompany her. ...

It has been on my mind lately to write a bit about my married life, and how it became that way.  Much in the matter of a Tarantino film, I'll start from the middle and work my way in and out. Part One - The Sex Thing. OK, so I made some mistakes in my life -- I got married to a woman who turned out to be all about conforming to society and not the least bit interested in men, and my own instincts proved correct, but I ignored them in favor of the ... life. All along, I suspected that she wasn't fully "into it," but I persevered and thought that, no ... I  must be wrong -- there isn't enough evidence.  It's the Zapruder Film of relationships.  I knew what happened, I just couldn't PROVE it.  Every photo from her college years that I saw had a beer in her hand, surrounded by other students.  Damning, but no proof. Did she have to be "into it," or was your personal charm and commitment enough to sustain the relationship and prove to ...

Yeah, OK -  so maybe that isn't the best choice of titles.  Fuck off, then. Regardless, it's a fact of life - or at least my life.  It is supposed to get easier, or at least that's what they told me, whoever 'they' are.  Liars. It gets more difficult.  Hear me, millennials. You know who you are.  Your "everybody gets a trophy" and "participation award" lifestyle is a farce, and you will have to face up to it sooner than later.  Get a grip on your life and start (or stop) doing these things: Stop thinking that every stupid thing that comes down the pike is necessary and you have to have it. You do not. Start saving for your future .  It's coming sooner than you think. It certainly came sooner than I thought, and I started saving for it relatively soon.  You can start with as little as $5 at a time on  stash.com and acorns.com.  Ask me, and I'll tell you.  And yes, little bits add-up.  It's called "the power of c...

I have lived my life thinking that we are all "created equal."  As I grow older, and find myself at the tail end of my working career, I have come to question that philosphy. In fact, we are not all created equally, and I have come to realize that I should not only realize that, but also endeavor to "stay in my lane."  That is, maintain relationships with people in my economic strata and ignore those outside of it. As I and some of my co-workers enter our so-called "retirement" at my company, discussions about our personal finances and prospects for life after work have come to center stage, and the more of them I hear, the more I feel like I should stay in my lane. When the 38 of us met in the company’s conference room in November, I looked around and realized that I was at the low end of the pay scale.  I have never been part of management, and certainly not a Director or Vice President of anything, as many of my co-workers have been.  Being on my own fo...