My Sick Mind

At Rancho Mirage today, Paula Creamer played the 18th hole as though she was playing it to win the tournament, when, in fact, there were 18 more holes to go. The good news, however, is that Lorena Ochoa was wishing that the third round was 16 holes and not 18, as she took a Quad-Bogie on 17 to drop to +1. Paula is second behind Sei Ri Pak going into Sunday's final round at the Kraft Nabisco Tournament. Lorena spit the bit on 17, where a bad drive compounded into bad chips and putts to drop her from a share of the lead to the third group on Sunday. Paula ran a birdie putt on 18 too far past the hole to give her a reasonable shot at par, and dropped a shot behind Sei Ri Pak, who discovered that consistent golf beats almost anything on the course. Rather than enter Sunday with a share of the lead, Paula Creamer opted to go for the outright lead with an ill-advised putt that ran well past the hole on 18. Still, a shot behind isn't the end of the world. Sunday at 3pm EDT, on you...

Harry Hartounian was Navin R. Johnson's gas station boss in the movie The Jerk . When the new phone books arrived, Navin ran around the lot yelling, "The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!" Harry looked on incredulously and proclaimed, "I wish I could get that excited about nothing." Now it's your turn. The LPGA is playing their first major of the year. Paula Creamer came back from a first round 1-over par to tie for the lead in the second round, against the best woman golfer in the world right now... RANCHO MIRAGE, Calif. (AP) Lorena Ochoa and Paula Creamer stared over the water to a peninsula green on the par-5 18th hole at a different point in their rounds and a different time of day in the Kraft Nabisco Championship. And while they reached different conclusions Friday, they wound up in the same position atop the leaderboard . So, OK ... It isn't as exciting as a new phone book, but right now, it's all I have. By the way, ...

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Rules that allow parents to exempt their children from immunization requirements for "philosophical" reasons are putting all kids at risk of outbreaks of vaccine-preventable disease, Arkansas researchers warn. Well, Jesus ... Arkansas ... What did you expect? So, when the kids start coming home with twisted legs from measles or the painful din of Whooping Cough, you can blame those Christian Scientists. Arkansas had previously allowed exemption from vaccine requirements for religious or medical reasons, but parents had to belong to a "recognized religion that included tenets against immunization" for the exemption to be allowed. Parents challenged the law, and a federal court ruled that requiring a religion to be "recognized" was not constitutional. Interesting. I think this church and state separation has gone way too far. When the church separates itself from the health of the general public, I think it's time f...

I was reading an article about California's growing problem with greenhouse gases, and I come across what I still see as an odd turn of a phrase ... Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ... just as hard to write as it is to say. Critics say that Hollywood types should stick to the acting and stop telling us their political views. Until one of them is a politician, I guess. NEXT ... PRINTING MONEY OVER AT ARTHUR A. LEVINE BOOK COMPANY: Now that they have the pesky cover out of the way, the road is cleared for the seventh and final Harry Potter tome, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," coming out July 21. Author J.K. Rowling, apparently blind-sided by the release date said, "I guess I'd better get my ass moving." I'm expecting the usual TV news blurbs about the goofy-ass kids with the cape and round glasses lining up a day ahead of time so that they get the book. I always wondered how many of them actually read it? It's either the most popular book s...

This coming weekend may be a Top 5 Weekend of the Year. The weather is getting just a bit warmer, the birdies are chirping, the basketballs bouncing and the bats and clubs a-swinging. On the hardwood, we get the NCAA tournament cranked up again. I checked the futures sheet I brought back from Las Vegas in January. Georgetown was 40 to 1 to win the tournament. The biggest long shot of the 4. The others were in the 6 to 1 range, with Florida a 9 to 2 favorite to repeat. How much you want to bet that there are some vacationers from the D.C. area who may have laid down a shekel or two on their alma mater? The LPGA is cranking up their first major of the year, The Kraft-Nabisco deal at Mission Hills in California. It used to be called the Dinah Shore, but they took her name off in 2000. It's the one where the winner will jump in the lake at 18 on Sunday. I think it's the only sporting event where the winner jumps in a lake, if you don't count diving. Annika is having ...

This reminds me of the time I saw a guy going through a dumpster at the Goodwill store. I figured, geez, if you're destitute enough to pick the trash that even the second-hand store doesn't want ... welcome to Rock Bottom. Rock bottom for the Miss America Pageant is being dropped by Country Music Television [CMT]. If you can't get the "Earthbound" viewers of CMT to ogle women for three hours, then I guess it's Doomsday for the old skin show. CMT is television Rock Bottom. There really isn't any place for them to go now other than local public access or your cell phone. All those women look alike to me anyway. No variety. Plus, it's a tad on the Barbaric and Brainless side. They try to couch it as a "Scholarship Pageant", but that's a hard sell. Besides, I don't even get the CMT . Go quietly into that good night. .

I think we may have covered this ground, but it bears repeating. These are actual images from Ticketmaster's verification screen. I'm supposed to be able to read this and type it in. These are even worse than the Blogger ones. Leave it to the Ticketmaster gang to come up with colors and grid lines. Bastards. I just want a ticket to a show. Can't you devote at least some of that massive ticket surcharge to finding a better way to verify that I am not who you think I am? Because, I already know what I think you are . .

Big Brother's 5-Star General is Watching It looks as though I can now refer to The Pentagon as one of my faithful readers. Woo Hoo. Maybe they'll write me up in their monthly newsletter, The Five Sided Dildo . We can't find Osama bin Laden, but the military has no trouble finding a Pat Tillman reference in a stream of consciousness post I did a couple of days ago. It reminds me of the time that "Federal Triangle" showed up on the Counter after I did a post critical of the president. [rubbing chin thoughtfully] Why doesn't Paula Creamer or Jaime Pressly show up once in a while? I guess they have "people". Apparently, The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight is checking up on the Blogosphere for things and stuff. Maybe they should have looked as hard for Pat Tillman's stray bullet. I'll be watching the skies for the black helicopters. Later that day ... As faithful readers know, I am a spam e-mail reader. Tonight, however, I am virtually ki...

Unlike the angry mob who continually snipes at President Bush and his cronies, expecting them to kowtow to blogger pressure (that'll happen), there is something we can do that may have immediate impact with people who will listen. It's renewal time for network TV shows, and a few are in trouble. As outlined by Inquirer TV critic Jonathan Storm in today's paper , the networks respond to the viewers voices. A nicely worded e-mail of support for your favorite show may help to save it from the ax of cancellation. He published a list of shows that are in trouble and a list of contact info for the networks. You can read his entire column here . My particular concern is for The Class , a smart and funny sitcom in an age where comedy (not to mention smart ) is nearing extinction. I sent the following e-mail to the folks at CBS, encouraging them to keep it on the schedule: I am writing because I fear that the ax may soon fall on a very good show, and I am hoping that enough people ...

Ruler of night, tide, and emotion - symbol of silver and ancient of wisdom, the moon's bright face reflects the glaze of lovers. A stunning integration of form and copper wheel engraving, this design by the late James Houston is a collector's prize and a romantic gift for a special milestone - a silver wedding anniversary, perhaps. Numbered, Limited edition of 50 . Steuben Glass Item 0591 • $18,000 Uh-huh. Perhaps. I want to be married to the babe who could fork-over $18,000 for a piece of glass to celebrate our anniversary. Just once. Of course, by the time I'm celebrating my 50th anniversary, I'll be too old and feeble to appreciate the finely crafted glass sculpture that Anna-Ashley Hilton has purchased for me with the money she had left over from the boob implants and collagen injections she would have to have to be eligible for that spread in Hot Tank-Top Bimbos Who Love Older Men magazine. She would be better off saving the money and buying me a new colostomy ...

I love a good e-mail. I also love colorful writing. When the two come together in one giant Internet-related fireball, my day is made. This came today. It’s one of those spam and scam deals where it appears as though there is a large sum of money awaiting my bank account info for an immediate transfer. I read them. I am sure that the receipt of this mail will be of utmost blessing to you. However sorry to marvel you a bit and take some of your time in going through this unpredicted letter of entreaty for your forbearing and facilitation. That’s a fine opening paragraph. You have caught my eye. Proceed. I wish to inform you I was the intimate and entrusted pettifogger of late Mr. George [my surname] , whose life and that of his entire family were lapsed while on holidays in a resort in Phuket, Thailand on the 26th of December 2004 in the Tsunami natural disaster. My late client was a merchant in hygienic products via West African Coast to Thailand as an import and export executive. Wo...

You can judge the character of a person by the neatness of his automobile trunk. That's the doctrine I began to embrace immediately after I cleaned and vacuumed my trunk tonight. Prior to that, the doctrine had no meaning whatsoever. By the way, carrying cat litter in your trunk is a great way to combat the effects of icy roads, but its value diminishes when the bag breaks open in the trunk and the ice is on the outside. On the bright side, I did manage to find a ten dollar bill in the trunk. I guess it fell out of that guy's pocket. I CAN MAKE NO FURTHER COMMENTS, AS THE CASE IS PENDING LITIGATION. In other news, I'm in great need of some interesting new music. After getting overly excited by that Morphine band, only to find out that the band is neither together nor entirely alive anymore, I'm wondering if there's anything new I need to hear. On the way home from vacuuming small cubes of clay, I heard a song called "Brave New World" and prayed that ...

MIAMI - The murky circumstances surrounding Anna Nicole Smith's death could become clearer Monday, when authorities are expected to release the results of the former pinup's autopsy. Anna Nicole's autopsy results. You know what that means? Three more weeks of programming for Nancy Grace. BIG THICKET NATIONAL PRESERVE , Texas - Corinne Campbell and a pair of companions in similar kayaks have been on a tedious winter-long canvass of Texas' famed Big Thicket, an often impenetrable jungle of swamps choked with thorny vines and prodigious pine and cedar trees, in pursuit of the ivory-billed woodpecker. Wow. That's the biggest effort put out looking for a white pecker since the Republicans found George W. Bush a Vice President. SUPERIOR , Wisconsin - A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual cont act with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Instit...