My Sick Mind

Why do I have to put up with this? It's another in a series of continuing e-mail's from various customers telling me that either I have purchased something or have added a new e-mail address to my PayPal account. Then, brainless slug [me] is supposed to click on the LOG IN button on the e-mail and type in his personal junk, so that, Viola! You are transformed into Morty Seinfeld, running around your house screaming, "My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!" In the words of the late-great Alice Kramden, "Every day, it's some crazy hairbrained scheme." ALERT: TWO FICTIONAL TELEVISION CHARACTER REFERENCES IN ONE POST. YOU ARE OVER THE LIMIT. I suppose there's some research someplace that gives the precise percentage of suckers per capita in the United States. For this kind of crap to work, it has to be at least 10%. I suppose it is based on some panic-enduced lack of common sense. People see a $700 charge to their PayPal account, and get all ass...

Don't you get sick of the same old, same old? Guitar, drums, bass ... blah blah blah. Wouldn't it be nice to listen to a mix of drums, baritone saxophone and 2-string bass? Sure it would. No? Well, did I mention that both bass strings are tuned to the same note? Now, what? I thought so. Sometimes, I'm a little late to the party. But, better to be late than not to get invited at all. So, forgive me if you already know who I'm talking about. It's Morphine . The late, lamented avant-garde trio from Boston. I heard "Thursday" on local radio, and just as it was when I used to watch the Three Stooges, I thought it was new. It sounded new, since I had never heard it before. Not only was it about 13 years old, but the band had already broken up, immediately after singer Mark Sandman passed away in 1999 after suffering a heart attack onstage in Rome. So, geez ... I guess if you're going to be late, you may as well show up really late. No cake left, what's...

The treadmills in our gym sit in front of a bank of televisions, tuned to various channels. Almost always, one is tuned to Fox News. Tonight, on one of their stupid shows, the host was interviewing some kid who started crying for one of those American Idol contestants. Supposedly, the one she was crying for didn't get eliminated [I'm piecing this together from closed-captioning] and everybody figures it's because of the kid. Apparently, the kid is some sort of cult figure, because she was sitting there with her mom, literally inhaling their 15 minutes of fame, and the stupid host was gushing over the kid (I could tell by the way he was gushing) and the kid was giggling and the mom was looking as though she couldn't be more proud. Then, the host said something and the kid started to giggle, then the mom and the host started laughing because the kid was being so darned cute. It was at that precise moment that I started to squirt my water bottle directly into my nos...

Thumbelina, a five year old dwarf miniature horse, slides underneath the pasture fencing at Goose Creek Farms in St. Louis, MO on Fri. October 3, 2006. At 17.5 inches, she is the smallest living horse in the world, and holds the record for the smallest horse in history. Great. Finally, I have something to offset that World's Smallest Penis post I did that has all the Google searchers googly-eyed. Jesus, you sick mothers. Although, I have to admit, it is up for a Bloggie Award under the category of "Strangest Post with a Penis Tie-in". Keep your fingers crossed. Now, try searching World's Smallest Horse Penis and see what you get. Twisted losers. Or, I could post this... World's Smallest Penis and Biggest Dick There's a Google search for ya. .

Calvert DeForest 1921 - 2007 NEW YORK - The balding, bespectacled nebbish who gained cult status as the oddball Larry "Bud" Melman on David Letterman's late night television shows has died after a long illness. The Brooklyn-born Calvert DeForest , who was 85, died Monday at a hospital on Long Island, the Letterman show announced Wednesday. He made dozens of appearances on Letterman's shows from 1982 through 2002, handling a variety of twisted duties: dueting with Sonny Bono on "I Got You, Babe," doing a Mary Tyler Moore impression during a visit to Minneapolis and handing out towels to arrivals at the Port Authority Bus Terminal. "Everyone always wondered if Calvert was an actor playing a character, but in reality he was just himself — a genuine, modest and nice man," Letterman said in a statement. "To our staff and to our viewers, he was a beloved and valued part of our show, and we will miss him." "It was the greatest th...

It could also say, " Comment moderation has been enabled . Your eyes no longer work as designed ." I particularly love when the p's, q's and g's are right next to each other. Here's an idea: throw a couple of 6's in there. Bastards. Sometimes, when I'm really drunk I can read it, but I'm too drunk to type it, so I'm still screwed. Usually, if I nod my head up and down real fast the letters start to jump together. I can read it, but then I get dizzy and pass out, so I'm screwed again. BLOGGER: I'll take LIKE AN ANAL PROBE for $300, Alex. ALEX: The answer is: The average number of times that an English-speaking person has to type those letters in before the comment is enabled? BLOGGER: What are 4 anal probes? A LEX: Correct. Continue. Thanks. Hey, I ain't complaining [well, yes ... a little] because I understand why you do it. My gripe is with the Blogger guys, who can't figure out a better way to do that. At least the T...

Just so you'll know, the other $390 million winning lottery ticket was unearthed on Monday . Locals, of sorts - from Cape May County - or what we here in the more densely populated areas of New Jersey refer to as The Sticks. The Messner's. A nice couple in their late 50s who will receive $116,557,083 before the 25 percent federal withholding tax. A shade over $29 million goes to the money launderers in Washington, and the other $87 mil goes to the winners. Their prize amount is half of the largest jackpot in the history of Mega Millions and in the history of North American lotteries. The largest single-ticket win in New Jersey Lottery's 36-year history, however, was claimed by Harold and Helen Lerner - the sole winners of a Mega Millions jackpot of $258 million on September 16, 2005. Seriously, should the government be handing out such large sums of money to people over gambling? Wouldn't it be better if the prizes were smaller but there were more winners? I k...

In my musical days, I ran a soundboard for a friend’s band. The band played rock music with a Christian message. In essence, they were preaching the gospel through music. It was a noble, yet misguided venture. We used to play in churches, Coffee Houses, Christian youth centers and other places where young Christians gathered to listen to people tell them what they already believed to be true. Part of the reason I don’t do that anymore is because I used to ask a lot of questions. “Why are we playing in church? People here already believe. Shouldn’t we be playing in bars or homeless shelters, where people need to hear a different message?” They heard me, but they desired the built-in acceptance of people with whom they shared a common belief. However, I felt that by playing for Christians, we were essentially wasting our time, similar to re-reading Moby Dick to a literary group. We were reinforcing an already held conviction. We were popular, but why wouldn’t we be? Preachi...

Today marks the official beginning of the annual ritual known as The Week of the Persistent Question .What's the question, you ask? (glad you asked). It is any variation of: "How's your bracket?" or "How you doin' in the brackets?" or "My bracket sucks, how's yours?" This takes first place by a slim margin over The Week of the Persistent Statement . "I'm kicking ass in my bracket pool." or "[ Insert name of overrated team ] killed my bracket." or "I'm out of my pool." It's one of those times where a we hear a single word so much that it wears at us. Bracket Pool, Bracket-buster, Bracketology, bracket - bracket - bracket. It's quite a racket, this bracket - in more ways than one. A big TV event and the illusive lure of gambling make for a great Pool-related sporting event. Like the Super Bowl, it finds fancy with people who would otherwise not give a crap but for the availability of ga...

WHAT MY BRAIN IS THINKING: Armpit hair. Gross and disgusting. Needless, yet exposed. Perhaps I'm the only person who took a confusion about armpit hair from my viewing of the NCAA basketball tournament, but what did you expect, knowing the title of the blog and all? All those arms in the air. It's distracting sometimes. What's the point of the armpit hair? We have hair on other parts of our bodies, presumably to keep us warm, or give us an excuse to modify our appearance, but hair in our underarms? The only function I can ascribe to it is that it produces an odor. Where are my evolutionists to help me explain this? WHAT HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD: Can you tell I'm weary of the blogging experience? Next week will bring one year to a close, and now more than ever, thoughts of closing it down occupy my sick mind. I feel as though I have covered almost everything of interest to me. A simple blog search will confirm that I've gone from the proliferation of storage sh...