My Sick Mind

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney is assuming the powers of the presidency for the second time in five years while President Bush undergoes a medical procedure. Bush planned to hand over authority to Cheney on Saturday before the president goes under anesthesia to receive a routine colonoscopy — a test to look for potential cancer . I'm a little pressed for time this morning, so maybe you're better off making your own jokes. Here are the circumstances: 1 - A president who bears a striking resemblance to a pertinent body part. 2 - An equally (or perhaps moreso) striking resemblance to the Vice President. 3 - A doctor with his finger up Bush's ass. 4 - Cheney in the Oval Office. 5 - Names like Bush and Dick are involved. Ready? Go.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - Officials in a rural valley in British Columbia hope that keeping out cellphones will help attract residents and tourists who want to escape to the quiet of nature. "The fact that we're without cellphone service means that we're able to enjoy life without the incessant sound of ringtones, immediately followed by someone's shouted conversation," Bill Roberts of the Slocan Valley Economic Development Commission said on Friday . It sounds like I may have found my eventual retirement community, and it sounds like Bill Roberts has his finger squarely on the pulse. I keep waiting for the backlash, but instead we embrace new technology and even go so far as to stand in line for hours so that we can buy things that eventually make our lives more costly and complicated. The ones I really don't understand are those damned Nextel Walkie-Talkies. If I hear one more of those chirps, I may not be responsible for my actions. Who was ...

I used to have a neighbor, who, upon seeing the newspaper delivery on the roof of his house one day; placed his hands on his hips and proclaimed: "People are no damned good!" Last night, I decided to venture out into the realm of the general public - the local bar - and take in part of the Phillies game, and perhaps meet someone whom I could talk to and share an adult beverage. After tiring (and failing) at that pursuit, I decided to try my hand (and finger) at the bar-centered trivia game. Four dollars a minute to see how my knowledge of nonsense stacks up against like-minded drunks in the greater Gloucester County area. Midstream into my second game, a figure of the female persuasion entered into my peripheral vision. She spoke... SHE: Would you like someone to play with you? ME: Sure! [Me, foolishly thinking that someone of the opposite sex would take an interest] SHE: [derisive laughter] Hahahahahaha! I don't know exactly why she would choose to make a mockery of m...

In their (seemingly) never ending way to try to force Americans to embrace soccer (football), NBC has concocted another prime-time program based around the life of someone who has built-in publicity by virtue of her name. Victoria Beckham has her own show called Coming to America . Geez, go figure. Weeks after her overpaid husband signed a contract to attempt to force Americans to like something that they clearly do not, we are being invaded once again by cameras in someone's house. This time, it's the wife of David Beckham , the midfielder for the Los Angeles Galaxy. Seriously, they are running out of names for sports teams . David Beckham, by virtue of his talent and a popular movie with his name in the title, signed a 5-year deal worth as much as $250 million that will see Beckham earn up to $10 million a year in direct salary (but with endorsements and profit-sharing, Beckham could earn up to $50 million a year) and earning about 90 dollars every second on the field. He wi...

DOGS Michael Vick has been indicted by a grand jury over allegations that he ran a dog fighting enterprise out of one of his homes in Virginia. You surely know by now of my affection for animals, so I won’t reiterate any views I may have already expressed as to the heinousness of this crime and the blight on society that Vick and his kind represent. What I find interesting is that the dog fighting “hobby” is not for those earning minimum wage. Huge sums of money are required to house the dogs, buy the equipment and, perhaps most of all, make the large wagers that degenerates place on these events. These people are affluent, and some of them famous, proving the notion that society’s scum is not bound by social class or income. While most of us find the dog fighting practice disgusting, as it is with all things, that viewpoint is not universally agreed upon. You have a hard time getting people in mixed company to admit that they think it’s a fine recreational endeavor, just as you w...

Today was the first test of the canvas bag purchase of Monday . I'm happy to say that it survived both the Weight Test and the Enemy Contents Test. WEIGHT TEST: The bag made it through the entire half-mile walk home with (1) a ten-pound bag of cat litter (2) a one-liter bottle of Southern Comfort and (3) a bag of Pringles Select Sun-Dried Tomato Chips , which admittedly do not add much to the weight, but contributes mightily to the ... ENEMY CONTENTS TEST: The Pringles and the litter and SoCo. Natural enemies sharing the same canvas bag with nary a mark on any of them. I'm happy to say that all the chips made the walk home uncracked, as did the bottle. Screw the cat litter. That just gets crapped on anyway. And now for something completely different... Midway through this post, I wandered over to Sparky Duck 's blog and found that I was tagged. The idea is to go to Wikipedia , type in my birthday and list 3 events, 2 births and one holiday that coincides with my date of b...

There's an old saw in the television business. When the going gets tough, bring in a kid. The Brady Bunch did it with Cousin Oliver. Lots of failing series go with the pregnant wife to drum up ratings and attract viewers. The World's Biggest Fraud, Donald Trump (well, one of the world's biggest frauds) is pumping up the cancelled/renewed The Apprentice by bringing in celebrities to compete next year. One can only hope that it costs him so much money that he once again has to declare bankruptcy. I'd tune in for that. I'd especially tune in if he and Rosie O'Donnell had a little baby Trump. Have I mentioned how sick I am of these "reality" shows? I did. Kitty-wise, it's a mixed bag. I've temporarily given up on the Renal diet, since he doesn't eat it, and hasn't in four days. Rather than have him waste away to nothing, I have given him his favorite Fancy Feast Ocean Fish, and he scarfed it down, proving that he hasn't lost either h...

The Espy’s were on last night, and in the words of the great fictional character Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce, “The instrument has not been invented that can measure my indifference to that remark.” I suppose there is some place for an awards show that is named after the network that is televising it, but if there is, it is lost on me. Besides, almost all of the sports that they honored already have their own awards for outstanding achievement, so perhaps this amounts to little more than piling on in the name of lame summer programming. In addition, the wimps at Major League baseball allowed ESPN to re-schedule a game that was originally scheduled at 1:35 to be played at 6:05, when most people are either starting or just finishing dinner on Sunday. Usually, their night games are at 8:00, but that would have run them into the scheduled time for their precious awards show, and we know that can’t happen. If baseball had any real balls, they would have told ESPN, “Screw you. We do...