My Sick Mind

Another fax "too good to be true" offer came at the office today. Proclaiming some better-than-free trip to someplace that's way too hot to go in the summer. Usually they tout some penny stock that is destined to go up by 20%, from its price of eight cents. But this one was telling me I needed to go on vacation ... NOW! "Hurry ... Space is Limited" it said. That's truth in advertising. Space is always limited, no matter where you are - even in space. Besides, I'm not signing up for a trip to Jamaica in August, no matter how cheap it is. It's probably Jamaica, Long Island anyway. Either way, it's too stinking hot to go anyplace further south than Washington, D.C. Which reminds me... A "Presidential Bust" of U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton was unveiled on Wednesday at New York's Museum of Sex, where sculptor Daniel Edwards hopes it will spark discussion about sex, politics and celebrity. Edwards, the artist who also created a life-size nud...

An odd sense of accomplishment has washed over me, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, since accomplishments are not something to which I am accustomed. For the past 8 years, I have been toiling away at Widener University in their Accounting program (a.k.a. Business Administration), and tonight I completed my final final exam in auditing, which completed my B.S. studies. I know, most of you already know I specialize in BS , but that's another story. Reading yesterday's spam e-mail's did nothing to deter my success in the exam, Carmen . So, forgive me if I wallow ... but I'm feeling a strange sense of accomplishment. A little like my fictional pal George Costanza, who once proclaimed himself " Lord of the Idiots ." If you believe, as I do, that life can be boiled down to a Seinfeld episode, that is how I define the last 8 years. Now, while the New York marathon runs below the apartment window, I wear the fictional wedding band (BS in Accounting) while i...

I am supposed to be studying for my final exam in auditing, but instead I became fixated on my Spam e-mails. Damn this blog! I never open them, you see, but a "Thursday Thirteen" post by amy aroused my curiosity. My new e-mail pal Benni Muller sent me a nice note, proclaiming Good Evening in the subject line. How nice, I thought. Upon opening, the first line: What else should you do to make her happy? That was followed by a link, selling, of all things, prescription medication. At the very top was Cialis Soft Tabs, which I thought was a keen turn of a phrase. Close that one. The body of the message looked a bit like an old Yes lyric: Rice-grinding paradise apple canary grass Un-Washingtonian stair-step jug-jug orange peeler sodium arsphenamine stump speaking light battery Lady eve registration county Then, my new e-mail buddy K.C. Jackson sent a note, titled Mega Sail on Cines . I'm a sucker for a sail, especially a mega one. He then said, "Holla!", which I ...

While waiting for another call from my pal “Unknown”, I play a lot of Yahtzee on my cell phone, which doesn’t make it as much a cell phone as it does a $50 a month Yahtzee game. Nevertheless, when I get a moderately high score, the little man inside the screen tells me PLAYED LIKE A PRO! SUPER SCORE!, with the accompanying exclamation points. That’s ridiculous (I think quietly to myself) there aren’t any professional Yahtzee leagues … or are there? [rubbing chin ponderingly]… But, as is often the case, whenever I think that something is ridiculous, all I have to do is flip on the TV and along comes something that makes my initial thought appear ridiculous by comparison. ESPN (the big “E” stands for Entertainment) has been showing The World Series of Darts and The World Series of Dominoes, while VH1 runs The World Series of Pop Culture on a continuing basis, which leads me to believe that Americans are so starved for entertainment that they will watch dominoes. As this fictional ex...

My first clue that something was wrong was when I saw the proclamation at the top of the box of Alpha Bits that they were a “Great Source of Whole Grain.” When I picked up the box at the supermarket, I wasn’t looking for whole grain as much as I was looking to re-live a little childhood memory. I wanted cereal like I had when I was a kid. One of my fond childhood memories was busting open a box of Alpha Bits, loading it up with sugar and milk and enjoying a great candy-flavored cereal experience. It doesn’t sound like much, but we didn’t have Play Station or VCRs, so the memories are more pedestrian. So, give me the cereal, please. They used to be sugar-sparkled ABCs – it said so on the box. I chose to ignore whole grain reference. If I wanted a great source of whole grain, I would have bought Grape Nuts. No grapes – no nuts, but it does make a fine concrete patch. They should sell that stuff at Home Depot. In addition to another exasperating shopping experience (which seems to be t...

OK Go - Here It Goes Again It's Sunday. Lighten up and watch 4 guys dancing on treadmills. OK Go.