My Sick Mind

Now that the hated Cowboys have been vanquished and all is right with the world (Philadelphia's version at least), let's take on the next in a growing list of earthly vermen: Smokers . You probably know one, or are one. If you are one, you are probably feeling the pinch and if you know one you are hearing the complaints. Here in New Jersey, smoking indoors has been banned since the summer, and in nearby Philadelphia it was banned at the beginning of October. They say smoking can kill you. Meanwhile... Lettuce joins spinach as the latest source of the dreaded E. coli. The lettuce scare comes amid other federal warnings that some brands of spinach, bottled carrot juice and recent shipments of beef could cause grave health risks — including paralysis, respiratory failure and death. Executives ordered the recall after learning that irrigation water may have been contaminated with E. coli, said Tom Nunes Jr., president of the company. It took about five minutes to put out the spinac...

NAZARETH , Pa. - A Northampton County elementary school boy will face disciplinary action, including a suspension, and he will have to undergo counseling for bringing a toy gun to school. Officials in the Nazareth Area School District say they found the toy gun during a search of lockers and backpacks Thursday. Two Shafer Elementary students had told their principal they heard a rumor on a school bus that someone had a weapon. They finally found the toy gun and the student's parents were called to the school. And they probably found out that the kid got the gun from his father's gun cabinet. Seriously, lock the thing, will ya? Just for laughs, I bet the kid filled it with vodka. The American public is really losing its sense of humor. ---------------------------------------------------------- PERTH AMBOY , NJ - School officials in New Jersey plan to suspend without pay a middle school gym teacher charged with carrying on a sexual relationship with a 13-year-old student. Amy...

Imagine m y surprise. At regular intervals, at my office, we receive a packet of post cards for products that we are supposed to try, order or otherwise exami ne. Generally, I throw the packet in the trash, since I have neither purchasing authority nor interest. Today's packet, however, caught my gaze. BIG ASS FANS it proclaimed - right there on the top of the pile. A marketing tool, I suppose, to get me to open the packet. While I am not necessarily a fan of the big ass, I feel that each ass has its own charm and appeal. It depends upon the torso on which it sits (figuratively speaking) and should be judged on its own merit. One man's big ass i s another man's exquisite derrière. Upon further review, I found that the fans in question were not the noun, but the transitive verb. The third-person singular simple present fan. Like the one that blows air on you, or your big ass. Was that the point? Fans made for those with the big ass? No, dumbass. It seems that Occam's R...

Thirteen Great Evenings of Entertainment 1. Gov't Mule - Electric Factory, Philadelphia, October 10, 2003. The first and best Mule show I ever saw, (up to 5 and counting) and still one of the top 3 all-time, which you will see, is a tough nut to crack. Matt Abts might be the best drummer ever. If you've never heard them, trust me... 2. Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Philadelphia, April 7, 1974. My first rock show. Quadraphonic sound and Brain Salad Surgery . Great showmen of the "progressive era". 3. Journey/Ronnie Montrose/Van Halen - Tower Theater, March 24, 1978. The extraordinary thing about this show was that it was Van Halen's first national tour. We were in the presence of greatness when Eddie played, and Ronnie is no slouch, either. During an acoustic song, someone yelled out, "Turn it up!" to which Ronnie replied, "It is up!" 4. Laurie Anderson - Tower Theater, March 1, 1986. Mrs. Lou Reed is a great monologist and has such interest...

LONDON (Reuters) - James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" is the song most requested at British funerals and remembrance services, closely followed by Robbie Williams's "Angels," according to a survey released on Monday. I guess that beats AC/DC's "Hells Bells"? ------------------------------------------- NEW YORK (Reuters) - A canned energy drink called "Cocaine" being sold in New York grocery stores has infuriated the city's mayor who says its brand name celebrates the use of a dangerous drug. Yes, we wouldn't want to do that. How about if you sold fake cigarettes and called them "Gasoline"? ------------------------------------------ JAKARTA (Reuters) - Indonesian police have slapped a cordon around a huge landmark Banyan tree in the capital after members of a Muslim youth group attacked it to prove it had no special mystical powers. It seems to be working. Thousands of people think a tree is mystical. Jeje Zainu...

Among the gory details of the Amish school shooting that were released in today's newspaper was a statement from Marie Roberts, the killer's wife. She described him as a "loving spouse and a caring father, not a homicidal killer". That's odd, since the one thing he is is a homicidal killer. Isn't that always the way with these types of stories? Neighbors, friends and family describe the guy as a good man and an asset to society. Just once, I'd like to read something honest from the people who are supposed to know best. Here’s a conversation I’d like to see printed in the newspaper: REPORTER : What kind of guy was he? NEIGHBOR : He was kind of an oddball. I used to see him in the back yard practicing ax throwing. It seemed a bit strange, since he was legally blind and all. REPORTER : And you, ma’am, you were married to him for ten years. Ever notice anything out of the ordinary? WIFE : Oh sure. He used to wake me up at night screaming like a bansh...

The population of the United States will hit the 300 million mark sometime this month. Thankfully, we are not at all alike. Sadly, the least among us make the most noise. Whether it is petulant football players, whining celebrities, corrupt politicians or just a random nut-case who decides that his life is best lived when acting out in the theater of life. The details are still coming as fast as the bullets, but the short version is this (from Yahoo News) : NICKEL MINES, Pa. - A milk-truck driver carrying three guns and a childhood grudge stormed a one-room Amish schoolhouse Monday, sent the boys and adults outside, barricaded the doors with two-by-fours, and then opened fire on a dozen girls, killing three people before committing suicide. At least seven other victims were critically wounded, authorities said. It was the nation's third deadly school shooting in less than a week, and it sent shock waves through Lancaster County's bucolic Amish country, a picturesque landscape o...

YouTube is like a big candy store for media addicts. There's a mixed metaphor for you. Type in a name and you'll find a video. I don't know where it all comes from, but it's there for us. They enable my addiction by providing the material. So far, it's free, which makes it even better. I was searching out a Lewis Black bit about candy corn for kimmyk , and ran across about a hundred Lewis Black rants on all sorts of things - advertising , Rick Santorum , traveling , video games , decency and even hot dogs and rollercoasters . Then, I found a little snippet of an interview he did on CNN to promote his book. Toward the end, he bitches about something that I've been bitching about for years - the junk at the bottom of the screen. I vented about it way back on April 6 . To his credit, he yelled loud enough that they actually took it off. It started (as he says) during the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. A quarter of the screen taken up by junk. Are w...