My Sick Mind

The headline in today's Philadelphia Inquirer caught my eye, as headlines are supposed to do: N.J. bill targets distracted drivers New legislation would ban text messaging while driving and toughen rules on cell-phone use . TRENTON - New Jersey drivers may soon have to quit sending text messages, yakking on a handheld cell phone and careening through red lights. Two Assembly panels yesterday pushed forward legislation that would make it illegal to send text messages while driving, give police more power to target drivers using handheld cell phones, and allow towns to install cameras to catch drivers disobeying red lights . Hmmm ... don't we already have to stop at red lights? As far as the phone is concerned, New Jersey passed a toothless law in 2004 that "banned" the use of cell phones while driving, but the police can only ticket you if you get caught doing something else illegal - like running over a kid or crashing into a guardrail. So, here we go again with anot...

A silver surfer? Are they serious? While I admit that I haven't seen a movie in a theater in about 4 years (when did The Wedding Crashers come out?) or read a comic book in 40, this Fantastic Four deal with the surfer destroying planets leaves me absolutely dumbfounded - which isn't a long trip these days. If they are trying to drag people into the theater this summer, they might drag somebody, but it won't be me. If I got comments, I'm sure somebody would comment on this and tell me how they are so looking forward to this movie, and how they will be lining up on Friday to see it. Go ahead. Meanwhile, the band with the world's worst front man is back on the road. Genesis is adding shows faster than you can say "bald white guy" and Phil Collins will do his best to make people wish that Peter Gabriel was still dressing up like a flower and over-pronouncing words while they cough up a couple hundred bucks for these British geezers. OK, so let me explain Th...

Finally ... a headline I can get excited about ... Women Prefer Men Who Look Like Dad Now, I can start getting those 20-year old's to start looking at me. I'm your daddy. Meanwhile, some guys are at Oakmont playing a golf tournament. Something called the U.S. Open, or so I hear. The girls are taking the week off, so I might tune in. This story on Yahoo News talks about the autograph seekers waiting in the hot sun for players to sign stuff. By Wednesday afternoon, some autograph seekers were already posting their goods online. Several white U.S. Open flags, featuring Oakmont's squirrel logo, were selling on eBay with as many as 50 autographs on them. Bids on most started around $199. Pikers. That hat I had autographed at Bulle Rock last week ... you'll pry it from my cold, dead hands. And Paula's pink golf ball -- I might be buried with that baby. On reflection, it was as great a week as I have had watching any sport, and as long as none of them beats up John Daly...

Hands reach out to grab the arms of U.S. President George Bush, as he greets crowds of Albanians in Fushe Kruje, Albania, in these Sunday, June 10, 2007 file photos. There were rumours on Tuesday that US President George Bush had lost his watch while greeting crowds in the Albanian town of Fushe Kruje on Sunday. One moment Bush was greeting Albanians who had turned out to meet him, and was wearing a watch with a dark strap on his left wrist. Moments later, it was gone. Did it fall off? Did one of his bodyguards remove it? Or did one of the crowd artfully slip it off his wrist and pocket it? The White House on Tuesday emphatically denied that Bush's watch was stolen during his visit to the country, where he was warmly welcomed and acclaimed as a hero. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert, file) They love him in Albania. Come back, George; we need more jewelry. Where else but in a pack of thieves could this guy be welcomed as a hero? I hope the irony isn't lost on you, because I'm sure i...

"Now you're going to get a ticket for calling GOD a goofy fuck." - Kimmyk, June 10, 2007 You'll be happy to know Kimmyk (if that is your real name), that I have been driving summons-free since Sunday. However, the demons that infest my life have seen fit to provide me with added impetus to believe that God is both a goofy fuck and a bit of a sadist . Just as Lenny Bruce used to tell the police, "I defend you guys all the time" before they would arrest him on some dopey public indecency charge, my vengeful God smote my TV just hours after I posted that I said He was a goofy fuck. You really know how to hit a guy where he lives, and You know better than to mess with something useless like my genitalia or my self-esteem, so You go right to the heart of my existence - my TV. On Sunday, I decided to forgo the return-return-return trip to beautiful Bulle Rock to watch the girls play golf in lieu of watching the live coverage on The Golf Channel . A few volunteer...

Subtlety, I have learned, is lost on people. Generally, if you are trying to tell someone something and want to be subtle so you won't hurt their feelings, you may as well not bother, because they won't pick it up. Equally lost is subtlety in artistic expression, because it requires deep thought and analysis, two characteristics missing from the mind of modern man. I have been listening to people on the radio and TV discussing the last episode of The Sopranos for most of the day, and I can assure you that whatever David Chase was trying to accomplish was lost somehow in the artistic translation. Mostly, folks are puzzled about the ending, and many people called their local cable operator complaining about losing their signal when the screen went blank at the end. In this case, their reaction to subtle artistic expression was confusion followed by a complaint. I for one, don't know what all the fuss is about. I don't subscribe to HBO, have never seen The Sopranos, don...

I try to take something of interest from everything I do, and make an effort to dig a little deeper into the situation than may be required. Usually, this gets on people's nerves, which may or may not be a side benefit. On Thursday, when I arrived at Bulle Rock for the start of the McDonald's Championship, the first threesome's of the day were teeing off. When a player tees off on their first hole of the day, their name is called by the Marshall at the tee and they are announced like a boxer before a fight. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the first tee, from Miami, Florida; Christie Kerr! It's like that. One by one the girls are announced, and they make these dead perfect drives down the first fairway. The tee is elevated from the ground, so the ball is at eye-level when they hit it, and it's an impressive sight to see them hit it high, long and straight. Most of the girls hit their drivers about 240 yards. Then, up stepped Debby Pinnell , from New Port Rich...