Friday was my last day as a regular employee at my job. I’ve been there 28 years. Prior to that, I worked at a company for 15 years. Those were the only two jobs I ever had. I’ve been working since I was 18 years old, and now -- I’m not. They call it "retirement," but it feels more like I am being laid-off with benefits. Those benefits include health care, and a small lump-sum of money that is just enough to make me feel like I would have been better-off staying. You get the point.
It’s a strange feeling. I have taken extended vacation time, but I always knew I was coming back to work. This time, the extended vacation is permanent. I guess I should feel better about it, but I’m a firm believer that we shouldn’t tell people how to feel, and well - I don’t feel great about it.
I’ll turn 62 in October, and I don’t have enough money saved to put my feet up and relax. I feel like it’s too early to file for Social Security, and my pension isn’t enough to do anything but pay most of my bills. There is probably some regret involved, in that I never earned enough money to be able to save enough money - if that makes any sense to you.
I never made any decision in my life for money. I never took a job or turned one down based on how much it paid. Maybe that was a mistake, or maybe it made me happier? I'll never know. What I do know is that I did the best with what I had. I went to college at 40, graduated at the top of my class, and what it got me was a lower-management job that paid me enough to think about how much more I could have earned if I had learned to play golf and kiss ass.
They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?
- Michael Scott
I saved what I could, while allowing for "living my life" stuff, paying bills, and surviving day-to-day. Along the way, I encountered some financial difficulties, not the least of which was a DUI violation in 2001 which wound up costing me about $13,000. I’m still paying for that. Along the way, my wife and I divorced. That threw a monkey wrench (I always felt that a useful tool like a monkey wrench got a bad rep, but that is another story) into my plans. I should be putting my feet up while my wife works another year or two, and then we could both be touring the country in an RV - but that is spilled milk. (Spilled milk gets exactly the reputation it deserves)
So, here I am, technically unemployed and frankly, tired of working for a living. Unfortunately, I am probably going to have to continue working for a living, at least for 3 or 4 more years. There is some savings and retirement money, but I am only 61. My deepest fear (other than dying alone, which seems likely) is running out of money, so I do not want to touch the savings until it is absolutely necessary - whenever that is.
One saving grace is that I am eligible for unemployment benefits. I paid-into it for 45 years, so I suppose I am entitled to get at least some of that back. I feel like I gave the state an interest-free loan and am just now collecting on it. It is a surprisingly generous sum of money, but as it is with all good things, it is temporary.
Perhaps this feeling of worthlessness is temporary? Who knows? I suppose, if I had more to do I would feel better about not working for a living anymore. As it is, I have state-funded weekly earnings and the hope that nothing goes so completely wrong that I need money in a big hurry. What in life is not temporary? Marriage. Job. Health. Things. They all die and we have to either learn to live without them or find something to replace them
On my way out the door, some people told me that they were "jealous" of me. I told them that I wouldn't be jealous of any aspect of my life or anything in my life. What they need to do is make their own way and create their own path. It's not about me or anyone else. It is about you. Decide what you want and where you want to go.
It is all temporary. There will be nobody to look after you other than you.
