My Sick Mind

Paula is 5 shots down going into the final round in Alabama today. Maybe it's me (it probably is) but I don't get this whole Borat thing. I understand that it's hip to do comedy that makes people look like jackasses - and even name the TV shows and movies such - but really, if this is the most creative thing we as a society can conjure, maybe it's time to go back to scrawling on the cave wall. Of course, owing to my credo of not seeing movies alone, I haven't seen this one. However, I will quote Tom Smothers, who once said, "I'm an American - I don't have to see something to know it's stupid." Earlier this week, Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb introduced his new clothing line, called Super Five . That's OK, I guess, but during the news conferences that preceeded it, he said that the reason he was doing it was to "look out for his future" and take care of his family. The guy is in the middle of a 12-year contract that pays ...

A little known subset to the immensely popular Thursday Thirteen, I present the Saturday Six. Six Things That Control Your World, Over Which You Have No Influence 1. Big Oil - No kidding. Did you put gas in your car this summer? Since then, the price has dropped about a dollar a gallon and I haven't heard about any big new discoveries or any wide-scale drilling projects. Price manipulation. Ya think? Besides, so many things are made from petroleum , that to escape its influence would mean living in a cave - which would eliminate #2 and #3... 2. Television - Playoff and big-time sports start at ridiculous hours for those of us here in the Eastern time zone, advertising is invasive, we are persuaded to buy products we do not want or need and the cost of cable is outrageous. For those of us in restricted environments (condominiumns) who are stuck with either cable or rabbit ears, what else are we to do? 3. Microsoft - I'm trying to use my computer, but I cannot, because I have th...

Thirteen Cool Things About Lawrence, Kansas 1. Google Earth has a default position when started up that is centered exactly on the town of Lawrence (specifically, on an apartment building lying between Compton Square and Regency Place). This may be verified by running the software and zooming in from the default start position without rotating the virtual globe at all. This location was set by Brian McClendon, a 1986 graduate of the University of Kansas and now a director of engineering at Google . 2. In the 1983 TV movie The Day After , Lawrence was ravaged by fallout from detonations of nearby Soviet nuclear bombs, including one which destroyed Kansas City, Missouri . 3. Lawrence was also destroyed in the 2006 TV Series Jericho . Editor's note: TV hates Lawrence, Kansas. 4. There are three separate tunnel systems underneath Massachusetts Street, as well as an extensive steam-tunnel network underneath the University of Kansas , which includes tunnels designed as nuclear attack s...

BRIDGETOWN, Barbados (AP) -- Ravenous giant snails that emerge from the ground by night are thriving on the tropical island of Barbados, destroying crops and prompting calls for the government to eliminate them. This is officially "The World's Slowest Invasion". Easiest job in Barbados: Catch the snails. I think we may have found something for Donald Rumsfeld to do.

Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) (L), expected to be elected Speaker of the House in the aftermath of the midterm elections, shares a laugh with Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid (D-NV) on Capitol Hill the day after Democrats took control of the House for the first time in 12 years, in Washington November 8, 2006.

In January, Nancy Pelosi will become the first female Speaker in the history of the Congress. She would also be third in line to the presidency, after President Bush and Vice President Cheney. She even has her own YouTube channel . It's raining like Hell today in New Jersey, but the sun is shining somewhere. I think it's in California.

WASHINGTON - Federal poll watchers will be in 22 states Tuesday, safeguarding against fraud or discrimination in election districts marked by tight races, large numbers of minority voters and faulty ballot machines. Justice Department monitors and observers are being assigned to Cuyahoga County, Ohio, which has been dogged by problems with computerized touch-screen voting machines. They will be in Bergen County, N.J., a must-win prize for both candidates in the state's Senate race. And they will watching more than a dozen counties nationwide where polls are on American Indian reservations and in big cities dominated by black voters. In all, the Justice Department is sending an estimated 850 poll watchers to 69 cities and counties - what officials on Monday called an unprecedented number, and twice as many during the 2002 congressional midterm elections. I'm not sure if I should feel good about the Justice Department doing this, or ashamed that they have to. I'l...

November, in Television Land, means it's Sweeps month. For those who may not know, our pals at Wikipedia define Sweeps this way: Sweeps Much of the ratings system still consists of the completion by viewers of ratings diaries , in which a viewer records his or her viewing habits, generally for a week, in exchange for being advanced a nominal fee. These diaries play an especially important role during the four annual sweeps periods conducted in February, May, July and November in an attempt to measure smaller local market audiences in markets that are not covered by People Meter samples already. The term "sweep" refers to how the diaries were handled by Nielsen Media when the ratings were first produced: They are mailed to the households and processed by starting on the East Coast and "sweeping" across the nation. You can tell it's Sweeps month, because the promos for local news border on ridiculous. Thursday night, CBS3 told us that they were g...

I'm on Where's George , which, several of you may think is some sort of tracking device for the idiot son of our 41st president ... but, no. It's a tracking device for dollar bills that are stamped with the distinctive Where's George sta mp. I came up with one at a local Wawa store near My Sick Headquarters and logged it in here . Otherwise, my day has been spent rehearsing for my potential appearance on Deal or No Deal. I'm memorizing all the numbers ... 1 through 26. Labor intensive, I know, but I think it may pay off in the end. I'm also practicing my OCD-induced-fist-handshake so Howie won't hate me. Meanwhile , political dumbass John Kerry shot himself (and the party) in the foot (or ass) with his stupid remark about either being educated or "stuck in Iraq", which prompted some Minnesota National Guard members in Iraq to scrawl out this inspired sign : Oy. John ... be a fountain, not a drain. And then... SYDNEY, Nov 2 (Reuters Life!) ...

Thirteen Reasons I Almost Didn't Do a Thursday Thirteen This Week Subtitle: Thirteen Lame-Assed Excuses 1. Daylight Savings Time ended, and I've been slowly adjusting. It's dark all the time. 2 . My Helper Monkeys walked out. I've been buying those green bananas again. The last time they threw crap on me, so I guess I'm lucky they walked out. 3. Hallowe'en. I'm logy from eating too many Skittles. I'm peeing a rainbow. 4. I'm still goofing with my new toy . So far, I've found the "on" button and have also been able to find my ass with both hands. 5. I'm working on the Friday Five . It's 62% less work. I'd be done by now. 6. Sex sex sex. Thinking about it takes up a lot of time. Apparently, the whole "hump day" thing is just an expression. 7. I got mezmerized by this site and wasted a lot of time. 8. I made the mistake of out-sourcing the job to India and had to have the whole thing translated from Hindi. Gurūvāra...

I got my new Dell Axim today, so I'm a little distracted. So, here's a look at a sweet black cat for the "holiday". He's been with me for over 16 years, which makes him a "senior" by cat standards. Black cats are supposed to be bad luck. It's a ridiculous notion, since this one is the best thing that ever happened to me. And imagine, in 1990 he cost me a mere $2 9 at the local animal shelter. At the rate of return vs. cost (a concept that accountants are supposed to understand) this one was way undervalued. I figure that I owe the shelter about a million dollars by now. He's a beautiful boy, and I hope he's around for a few more Hallowe'en's - scaring kids, birds, squirrels and keeping me from thinking that nothing good happens to people. Sometimes it's something as simple as an animal that makes us believe in goodness. What puzzles me is how I raised him to be such a good cat. Maybe it's him or maybe it's me - or maybe ...

There is no joy in Mudville. Sports is on the front page of the newspaper after a horrible weekend here in Philadelphia, and to make matters worse, it gets re-played and analyzed on every TV station and sports talk radio station (of which there are 2 here). We even have a 24-hour sports cable outlet that will discuss little else for the next week. The mood of sports fans is sour, and it’s a shame that it has deteriorated to the point that sports has become so important. Our hometown football team, the Philadelphia Eagles, laid an egg on Sunday. For the third consecutive week, they have disappointed the fans with a lackluster effort in losing to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Fans are calling for the firing of the head coach, cutting of players and generally beating themselves up over the (in)action of the team, who is a bland 4-4 entering into a challenging second half of the season. It could be worse, but it’s hard to imagine how. Three things happened to make sports as big a part of socie...

I think this may be a little free advice to back up what my Blogger buddy Carmen nudged me about a week ago. Brevity is indeed the soul of wit: Your Fortune Is To make a long story short, don't tell it. The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator By the way, Friday's mention of the Dell Axim (complete with jazzy blue link) did not elicit a response from the Dell people. I'm expecting a goodie bag any day now.... holding my breath . I guess that stuff only works with Big Ass Fans . Meanwhile, start the week with a laugh. Brian Regan is one of the funniest guys working today. Here he is talking about his latest visit to his doctor:

Bienvenido, Bloggers. EL GAMESHOW MÁS EXITOSO DEL PLANETA Los fines de semana no serán lo mismo en Telemundo. Este programa te mantendrá al borde de tu asiento durante cada segundo y hasta el final. Muy Pronto. * OK, that's enough of that nonsense. While working the channels the other night, I stumbled across my favorite non-English speaking TV channel, Telemundo. Usually, it's the scantily-clad women that catch my eye, but this time it was something else. It was Vas o No Vas , the Spanish-language version of NBC's game show, Deal or No Deal, hosted by genial Hector Sandarti. It had all the Deal junk ... the steel cases, hot babes, the wacky contestants and goofy host. Although the cases were a little less fancy, the host a lot less bald (and quirky), the show looked like it was produced by college students and I didn't understand a word ... still, I couldn't turn away . Forget that the top prize was a measley $250,000 (2,677,323 Pesos). When the contestants...

I think I've told you, but in case you weren't paying attention, I watch that Dancing With the Stars show long enough to see Cheryl , then I'm tuned out. Sorry, but I'm not even sure who the other "stars" are (outside of Emmitt), so she has my undivided attention. Fortunately for me, she and Emmett have survived another week. My Tuesday's are full. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday, in my fine home-state of New Jersey: TRENTON - Same-sex couples in New Jersey must be given all the benefits and rights enjoyed by married men and women, but state lawmakers will have to decide whether they can officially wed, the state's highest court ruled Wednesday. Groups like the New Jersey Coalition to Preserve and Protect Marriage, Focus on the Family and the New Jersey Family Policy Council oppose same-sex marriages. As if opposite-sex marriages have been such a great success. By the way, I'll bet a week's pay tha...

In the Marketing class I had at Widener , I found out that there are people who are referred to as " Early Adopters ". Those are the ones that start-up's and growth companies target when they introduce new products. I suppose "Guinea Pigs" would apply, but the adventurer in me would not appreciate the negative connotation. I'm a gadget guy. I love new stuff, and the newer the better. And if the price is right, I'm all in. Like those new flavored coffees. Uh-huh. And the potato chips that taste like cheese steaks? You betcha. And how about the cat litter with the little crystals? I haven't heard any complaints. I'd love to be able to drive a hybrid car, but they're just too expensive now. I did buy a 2005 Ford Focus that is a PZEV (Partial Zero-Emissions Vehicle) so I feel like I'm part of the solution. I think by the time I'm ready to buy my next vehicle, it will be partially battery powered. In that spirit, I've been ex...

Thirteen Things That Scare Me a Little The Christmas decorations are up at the local mall, but never mind that. Tuesday is Hallowe'en. 1. Any letter from my Condo Association. It makes my heart skip a beat. Usually it's something really stupid that I'm not doing. Tell the people who are doing it and leave me alone. 2. Spam e-mail with T.M.I. I recently got a Spam message that contained my first and last name, from a Landon Nicholson (no relation) telling me that "Your history shows that your Viagra prescription is ready to be re-filled." Uh-huh. My personal history shows that I need Viagra like I need a hair dryer and a comb. 3. When the Boss says, "You got a minute?" He never calls me in to chit-chat. 4. Dying alone. I don't need to elaborate on that, except to say that if I needed Viagra, I wouldn't be worried about it. 5. George W. Bush with his hand on the Bible. I keep waiting for it to burst into flames . 6. My spin instructo...

OK , so yesterday was kind of a downer. Nobody said blogging was easy. So, I'm reading the newspaper today, and there's a story on page 2 about the ongoing clean-up at the World Trade Center site (heretofore known as "Ground Zero" - which I can no longer call my bedroom). The big problem, it seems, is that they are still digging up remains of the victims. Small pieces of bone and other such unidentifiable fragments of human remains. What aroused my interest was that the city has come under some scrutiny for doing what many refer to as a half-assed job of cleaning and recovering in the wake of the attacks. What fascinates me about such things is that we (the collective "we") are so hung up on this closure thing, when it comes to bodies and whatnot. What I don't get is - why does it matter so much to us? Will finding a bone fragment or some other mutiliated body part bring some sense of completion to what we already knew was a foregone conclusion? Bu...

According to a recent Google search, leading to my blog, there must have been a Cecily Tynan Parade somewhere. I wish I had been informed. I'll bet it was Saturday. I chose Saturday to catch up on my sleep. If those Tynan's went past my window while I was asleep ... well, I just hate to have to wait until the 2007 Cecily Tynan Parade. You snooze, you lose. Meanwhile, enjoy this little clip from The Late Show with David Letterman, while I try to think of something to write about...

ATTLEBORO , Mass. -- Tag, you're out! Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase games during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable. Recess is "a time when accidents can happen," said Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban. If I had a kid in the Attleboro school system, I'd yank him out and home-school him, starting today. I don't think the school has the best interests of the kids at heart, and if they had any guts, this is the letter that would have been sent home with junior and his fat ass: Dear Parent, In response to a great deal of self-imposed fear, we have decided to ban running around outside on school playgrounds. It's not that the kids scare us, but what we are really afraid of is being sued. If the kids enjoy playing "unsupervised chase games", they can do it on their own time. We...