My Sick Mind

... I'll just rant to myself until I disappear into my own mouthhole. Michelle Wie withdrew from the U.S. Open on Saturday. Perhaps it's time for Michelle to take some time and be a kid, let this wrist heal and stop drawing so much attention to herself. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Meanwhile, weather issues are making it difficult to enjoy either Wimbledon or the U.S. Open. They have both been delayed by rain and lightning. NBC did its best in an exacta of rain-soaked sporting events on Saturday. They had rain-delay coverage of Wimbledon, when Venus Williams' match was interrupted, then had to show taped coverage of the rain-delayed second round of the Open. Confused? Me too. I'm not big on taped coverage of anything, and I didn't perk up until around 4pm when the third round started and they ran live coverage of the first few holes. Sadly, they had to stop at 6 so that the local news could saturate us with more iPhone stories. The local NBC weather guy had ...

The iPhone . Apple's answer to distracted driving and annoying people in movie theaters, concerts, at work or your local church. The more laws and rules they make, the more junk we have to inspire more laws and rules. It's technology's little joke on us. Keep chasing the technology and the technology will keep chasing you. Soon, we'll see another bunch of laws. If you thought you were annoyed by regular cell phones ... wait for this thing. Music, video, the Internet and ... oh yeah ... it's a phone, too. Gangs of gullible consumers lined up for this thing today. Among them was Philadelphia Mayor John Street , but don't go by him. He's kind of goofy to begin with. He probably thought he was in line for a cheesesteak. He called it a "management tool" and said that he will use it "to get a lot of work done." More work than he got done today, apparently, although he still got paid. He was in line for most of the day - which probably trans...

I used to watch a lot of women's tennis. I stopped when they started screaming on every shot. Not all of them scream, but there is enough of them that scream to make me turn off the TV when there's a match on, and I don't have a list of screamers and non-screamers, so I have to keep it on long enough to find out. They scream, I'm out. This weekend (and next) is the famous Wimbledon , which most people can read but not pronounce. Even some so-called professional announcers call it Wimbleton . It makes me want to scream. The screaming has gotten way out of hand. I don't know when it started, exactly, but I think it was that soft-hearted Monica Seles , who was stabbed in the back by a German (like that never happened before) and spent the rest of her life attempting a comeback. I think the people that teach tennis players to scream are the same ones teaching baseball players that they should slide into first base. PARDON ME WHILE I RANT: You cannot overrun second or t...

Every six months, rain or shine, I'm in the dentist's chair having my teeth cleaned. Preventive dentistry, they call it. I have my own ideas. While it may seem nice to have an attractive woman put her fingers in my mouth, the drama is lost on me when she breaks out the space suit. A face shield, that paper mouth guard and rubber gloves. It makes me wonder what what it says about me in my file. I had two X-rays on Wednesday. It is considerate of them to give me that lead body apron to wear, but I can't help but wonder about the logic of covering my chest and arms while my entire head is being blasted. Shouldn't they cover my head too? My brain is in there - I think. That might be more important than covering my shoulders, but I'm not a dentist, so I don't know. I didn't check, but I'm pretty sure that apron didn't cover my junk, either. Is that why is my urine is blue? There's an idea for some enterprising entrepreneur with time and materials. T...

Cyclists are a misunderstood group. We are on the periphery of sports until someone uses an illegal substance or crashes and dies, then we are front-page news. Motorists dislike us because we take up valuable shoulder space that they could be using to weave into while talking on their cell phone. Occasionally, they hurl objects out of their car windows or shout obscenities at us, which, owing to the Doppler Effect , we cannot fully understand. What we do understand is that we are best left alone, but as we know, a lack of understanding never gets in the way of government, especially in New Jersey. When it comes to rules and laws, we (the people) are reactionary. When you combine reactionary policy with ignorance, a perfect storm of nonsense breaches the shore. That storm has run aground in New Jersey, where a pack of nitwits temporarily impersonating state assemblymen have sponsored legislation designed to make life difficult for cyclists and impossible for the people who sell bicycles...

Too busy to search the web? Google scientists have uncovered a way to shave yet another second off of your life and thereby create even more opportunities for you to do more searches in less time. Confused? Me too, a little. I had no idea that I could save time by hitting the return key instead of clicking on "search" . Thanks, Google, but is it really faster? I'm going to make you proud and use that extra time to make the world a better place. Faster porn searches. I get these almost every day. Someone, somewhere must figure that ebay users are the most gullible people on the planet. This one made me giggle, though - which is no small feat. It says, "Although these emails appear to come from eBay, they are really sent by people attempting to gain access to your account." Really? Ya think? They go on to tell me that if I do not get satisfactory results from clicking on the link they provided, that I should reply directly to the e-mail. OK, sure thing. It'...

Car free Sunday doesn't necessarily involve the bicycle. Sometimes, it involves the feet, which was the case today. Today's quest was the Iroquois sculpture that was recently erected at Eakins Oval near the Art Museum - OK, the one that Rocky ran up in the movie. No, I didn't do the run - that's for tourists. I live here. Lucky for me, the bus runs out in front of my place, so I can make my way to and from the city without moving the car - provided I make it back in time. There is a 9pm curfew, or else I'm finding a room somewhere in Philadelphia. My quest was easy to find, since it's kind of big and red. It's out there in a little plot of ground north of the Art Museum. Since there wasn't much mystery in the day's outing, I decided to make the rest of it rather mundane by comparison. Lunch at The Independence Brew Pub , followed by a stroll through the Reading Terminal Market, conveniently located across the street. Marisa has many more interest...

I use a lot of sunscreen . If I'm outside for more than 20 minutes without it, I end up looking like a 50/50 bar . Burned calves, burned neck or burned head if I forget to wear my hat. It's a social problem, since sunscreen is either greasy or spray-on lacquer that isn't very becoming in public. Lucky for me I don't spend a lot of time outside in situations where I'm wearing regular clothes. In those cases, I'm the first one to find the shade tree. I have adopted the nickname Caucasian Man , given my fine white complexion and continual war with the sun. Caucasian Man has few superpowers. Forgetfulness and anxiety if I go outside without my sunscreen are two of them. Not exactly the stuff of comic books, but I'm more the blog type. Sunscreen is one of the last high-end personal use products that we buy. I just bought a 5 ounce can of CVS brand Cooling mist SPF 45 that cost me eight bucks. They can charge eight bucks because they know that we know we need th...

As some of you know, I have begun the slow, agonizing chore of searching for a new job. It joins car shopping and dental work as things that I see as necessary evils. A recent outing took me to an open house for a financial company. Every month, we loan hard-working American homeowners, like you, millions of dollars to consolidate debt and reach for their dreams. We are a nationwide lender offering a wide range of mortgage-based products to homeowners with a variety of needs and goals. So, who are these homeowners and what are their needs and goals? I’m glad you asked. The PowerPoint show told us that their average home value was $254,000, their average income was $125,000; they were between 29 and 42 years of age and their average amount of unsecured (credit card) debt was … ready … $70,000. That’s right. They owe more on their credit cards than the equity in their home. So, our goal is to meet their needs by lending them money. That struck me as odd, since it sounds a lot like digg...

... I don't get this whole "illegal immigration" debate. If they are illegal, what are we debating? ... I don't get this stem cell bill veto, either. The president vetoed the latest bill , saying that "If this legislation became law, it would compel American taxpayers for the first time in our history to support the deliberate destruction of human embryos." I guess it's not OK for taxpayers to pay to destroy embryos, but it is OK for taxpayers to fund the war in Iraq, where actual walking, talking humans are being destroyed every day. ... I don't understand why automobile drivers in Pennsylvania (and other states) are required by law to wear seat belts, but motorcycle riders are not required to wear helmets. ... I don't understand why it is legal to sell tickets to events on web sites for exorbitant prices, yet so-called "scalpers" outside the actual event are arrested and/or chased off the property by police. Why is there a difference ...

I love a good snack. Life is good when snacks are good, and Cheez Doodles are good. Forget everything you learned about spelling or proper grammar - they're Cheez Doodles . Doodles made of cheez. Wise is one of those eastern snack food companies that people out west pay to have shipped to them, like Tastykake's and Herr's chips. It seems that the northeast is the capital of snack foods. Everybody has to be good at something. So, imagine my surprise when I picked these out of the snack food machine at work ... ... INTERLUDE: There is no more pensive moment in one's life than that second or two between the time we press C1 and the little spiral thingy spins and we wait ... wait ... in hopes that the bag of Cheez Doodles will find its way to the trough below and not be hung-up in snack Purgatory ... the little spiral thingy still attached to a part of the bag ... clinging to hope against hope that its bag-life will not soon end. It is at that point that we seek out the ...

Candy cigarettes predispose children who play with them to smoke the real things later, new research concludes. The look-alikes made of candy or gum are marketing and advertising tools that desensitize kids and open them moreso to the idea of smoking later on, says study leader Jonathan Klein of the University of Rochester. Candy cigarettes cannot be considered simply as candy, Klein said. 22 percent of current or former smokers had also regularly consumed candy cigarettes, while only 14 percent of those who have never smoked had eaten or played with candy cigarettes often or very often. OK, Jon, count me in with the 14 percenters. Actually, 22 percent versus 14 percent sounds inconclusive to me, but then, I'm not a paid "study leader". When I was a kid (when dinosaurs roamed the earth) I remember going to the little general store and buying giant bubble gum cigars. They even had little paper bands. I also bought little paper toy cigarettes that blew a little puff of ...

Here is tonight’s forecast from the good folks at weather.com . Pretty boring stuff, eh? However, I’m still not sure whether I should take my umbrella, since there appears to be a slight chance of rain, even though I won't need it for more than an hour. Or maybe I should take my twenty percent umbrella, which works eighty percent of the time? What meteorological phenomenon occurs between 4pm and 7pm to reduce the chance of rain to zero? C’mon, weather guessers; you know the chance at 4pm is zero, too. Your problem is that you want to hedge your bets, like those snow forecasts where you tell us that we will get between 2 and 6 inches of snow. That’s a big range. I won’t stay home for 2 inches, but I will for 6. Then, when we get 6 you tell us you were right. "See ... six inches, just like we said." Weasels. Here’s a news flash: It ain’t gonna rain tonight. Zero chance. Not 10% or 20%. What in Hell is a 20% chance anyway? Either you think it’s going to rain or not. Mean...

I was sort of rooting for Angel Cabrera to win the U.S. Open - sort of - until I saw him flick a cigarette butt on the 15th fairway during Sunday's final round. Did somebody pick it up? Until today, the only player I ever saw smoking on the course was Rosie Jones many years ago. Some habits are hard to break. The weird part of me (is there not a weird part?) was rooting for Bubba Watson, since he's left-handed, and I can use all the lefty's I can get if I'm ever going to take up this game. I find myself reversing all the advice I see on TV - right is left - and filing it in my head for future reference. Mickleson is a lost cause. Tiger came up a little short, and I suppose most media outlets were praying for a Father's Day win for the expectant father, but sometimes you cannot plan history. The other thing that I found interesting is how TV can make a golfer look as though he is out there alone without a playing partner. Having come from the McDonald's Champ...

The headline in today's Philadelphia Inquirer caught my eye, as headlines are supposed to do: N.J. bill targets distracted drivers New legislation would ban text messaging while driving and toughen rules on cell-phone use . TRENTON - New Jersey drivers may soon have to quit sending text messages, yakking on a handheld cell phone and careening through red lights. Two Assembly panels yesterday pushed forward legislation that would make it illegal to send text messages while driving, give police more power to target drivers using handheld cell phones, and allow towns to install cameras to catch drivers disobeying red lights . Hmmm ... don't we already have to stop at red lights? As far as the phone is concerned, New Jersey passed a toothless law in 2004 that "banned" the use of cell phones while driving, but the police can only ticket you if you get caught doing something else illegal - like running over a kid or crashing into a guardrail. So, here we go again with anot...

A silver surfer? Are they serious? While I admit that I haven't seen a movie in a theater in about 4 years (when did The Wedding Crashers come out?) or read a comic book in 40, this Fantastic Four deal with the surfer destroying planets leaves me absolutely dumbfounded - which isn't a long trip these days. If they are trying to drag people into the theater this summer, they might drag somebody, but it won't be me. If I got comments, I'm sure somebody would comment on this and tell me how they are so looking forward to this movie, and how they will be lining up on Friday to see it. Go ahead. Meanwhile, the band with the world's worst front man is back on the road. Genesis is adding shows faster than you can say "bald white guy" and Phil Collins will do his best to make people wish that Peter Gabriel was still dressing up like a flower and over-pronouncing words while they cough up a couple hundred bucks for these British geezers. OK, so let me explain Th...

Finally ... a headline I can get excited about ... Women Prefer Men Who Look Like Dad Now, I can start getting those 20-year old's to start looking at me. I'm your daddy. Meanwhile, some guys are at Oakmont playing a golf tournament. Something called the U.S. Open, or so I hear. The girls are taking the week off, so I might tune in. This story on Yahoo News talks about the autograph seekers waiting in the hot sun for players to sign stuff. By Wednesday afternoon, some autograph seekers were already posting their goods online. Several white U.S. Open flags, featuring Oakmont's squirrel logo, were selling on eBay with as many as 50 autographs on them. Bids on most started around $199. Pikers. That hat I had autographed at Bulle Rock last week ... you'll pry it from my cold, dead hands. And Paula's pink golf ball -- I might be buried with that baby. On reflection, it was as great a week as I have had watching any sport, and as long as none of them beats up John Daly...

Hands reach out to grab the arms of U.S. President George Bush, as he greets crowds of Albanians in Fushe Kruje, Albania, in these Sunday, June 10, 2007 file photos. There were rumours on Tuesday that US President George Bush had lost his watch while greeting crowds in the Albanian town of Fushe Kruje on Sunday. One moment Bush was greeting Albanians who had turned out to meet him, and was wearing a watch with a dark strap on his left wrist. Moments later, it was gone. Did it fall off? Did one of his bodyguards remove it? Or did one of the crowd artfully slip it off his wrist and pocket it? The White House on Tuesday emphatically denied that Bush's watch was stolen during his visit to the country, where he was warmly welcomed and acclaimed as a hero. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert, file) They love him in Albania. Come back, George; we need more jewelry. Where else but in a pack of thieves could this guy be welcomed as a hero? I hope the irony isn't lost on you, because I'm sure i...

"Now you're going to get a ticket for calling GOD a goofy fuck." - Kimmyk, June 10, 2007 You'll be happy to know Kimmyk (if that is your real name), that I have been driving summons-free since Sunday. However, the demons that infest my life have seen fit to provide me with added impetus to believe that God is both a goofy fuck and a bit of a sadist . Just as Lenny Bruce used to tell the police, "I defend you guys all the time" before they would arrest him on some dopey public indecency charge, my vengeful God smote my TV just hours after I posted that I said He was a goofy fuck. You really know how to hit a guy where he lives, and You know better than to mess with something useless like my genitalia or my self-esteem, so You go right to the heart of my existence - my TV. On Sunday, I decided to forgo the return-return-return trip to beautiful Bulle Rock to watch the girls play golf in lieu of watching the live coverage on The Golf Channel . A few volunteer...

Subtlety, I have learned, is lost on people. Generally, if you are trying to tell someone something and want to be subtle so you won't hurt their feelings, you may as well not bother, because they won't pick it up. Equally lost is subtlety in artistic expression, because it requires deep thought and analysis, two characteristics missing from the mind of modern man. I have been listening to people on the radio and TV discussing the last episode of The Sopranos for most of the day, and I can assure you that whatever David Chase was trying to accomplish was lost somehow in the artistic translation. Mostly, folks are puzzled about the ending, and many people called their local cable operator complaining about losing their signal when the screen went blank at the end. In this case, their reaction to subtle artistic expression was confusion followed by a complaint. I for one, don't know what all the fuss is about. I don't subscribe to HBO, have never seen The Sopranos, don...