A big weekend for girls hitting balls

I used to watch a lot of women's tennis. I stopped when they started screaming on every shot. Not all of them scream, but there is enough of them that scream to make me turn off the TV when there's a match on, and I don't have a list of screamers and non-screamers, so I have to keep it on long enough to find out. They scream, I'm out.

This weekend (and next) is the famous Wimbledon, which most people can read but not pronounce. Even some so-called professional announcers call it Wimbleton. It makes me want to scream.

The screaming has gotten way out of hand. I don't know when it started, exactly, but I think it was that soft-hearted Monica Seles, who was stabbed in the back by a German (like that never happened before) and spent the rest of her life attempting a comeback.

I think the people that teach tennis players to scream are the same ones teaching baseball players that they should slide into first base.

PARDON ME WHILE I RANT:

You cannot overrun second or third base, so sliding is necessary. You can overrun first base, so sliding is not necessary. Sliding does not get you there faster. In fact, it may actually be slower, but it appears that you are hustling, so sliding looks good, but it is actually not good - or necessary. Sliding into first base is the sports equivalent of "all form, no substance", which is embraced by modern society although it is useless - like reality TV.

THANK YOU, NOW WE RETURN TO OUR PROGRAM:

It looks particularly ridiculous when they scream on those little drop shots. They are standing about a foot from the net, and underhand a shot two feet from the other side - and scream. Arrrrggh! That was hard. [That might have been a rant, too].

Meanwhile, on the left side of the pond, the LPGA is playing its U.S. Open at Pine Needles in North Carolina; where there is no screaming whatsoever.

There's a 12-year old playing this year. At least until Friday. Some kid named Alexis Thompson - a seventh grader from Florida who tees off at 2:20 on Thursday. I'm hoping that she makes the cut and Michelle Wie does not.

They call it the U.S. Women's Open, but they don't call it the U.S. Men's Open; as though we wouldn't know the difference. It's called the U.S. Open when the men play. That's odd to me. Is anybody confused about whether it's Angel Cabrera or Natalie Gulbis on the course?

I'm not confused.

Natalie doesn't smoke on the golf course.

But she is smoking.