My Sick Mind

Pay Station Y esterday, my Canadian Blogger buddy Firestarter5 posted the sale of one of those PlayStation 3 video consoles for the incredible price of $15,100 (plus $29.14 for shipping); and wondered if it was legit. I think so, based on the fact that I think people are basically dopey, and given enough room, will find ways to spend money on whatever they deem necessary. Interestingly, the same seller had previously sold UPS items, probably procured from the UPS garage; including (but not limited to) UPS sunglasses , a UPS trucker hat , a UPS plush toy truck , a UPS computer mouse , a men's silver penis costume (presumably not UPS issue) and topped off by David Ramsey's book called, interestingly, F inancial Peace . I'm not sure which chapter of Ramsey's book covers the "peace" that comes from selling $800 video games for 19 times their original price, however. Maybe that's in Financial Peace 2? It sounds like the guy works for UPS, and sells all of hi...

Stop the presses, folks. We've captured Osama bin Laden, cured AIDS and cleaned up New Orleans. We haven't? Well, how else to explain the latest missive from the LPGA? We must have solved all of the huge problems facing the country, now that the Ladies Professional Golf Association has seen fit to do this: LPGA to institute drug-testing policy for 2008 season Partners with National Center for Drug Free Sport to establish guidelines WEST PALM BEACH , Fla., Nov. 15, 2006 -- LPGA Commissioner Carolyn F. Bivens today announced that the LPGA will institute a drug-testing policy for participants in LPGA Tour events beginning with the 2008 season. “While the LPGA has had no evidence to date of performance-enhancing drug use by our players, we recognize the concerns regarding drug use in sport and the need to have a clear policy and program in place,” said Bivens. “We want to take a proactive role in educating our members about nutritional and dietary supplements, while also promotin...

People sit under umbrellas and tents as they wait in line for a chance to purchase the new Sony Play Station 3 at the Best Buy store. These are some weirdos sitting in the rain at a Best Buy store somewhere in America (where it's raining) waiting in earnest angst for the pending release of the new Play Station 3 console game. Why are they idiots? Allow me to elucidate. This "thing" is not a limited edition article. They are not making a thousand of them and stopping, as they do with limited edition lithographs or Disney DVDs. So, why are they waiting? There are two possible answers (other than the "idiot" one): 1) They have no life, job or responsibilities, and figure (accurately) that they can attract attention to themselves by sitting in the rain waiting for a product of Industry. 2) They fail to realize that, even though they are waiting in line, there will be more of these things made. It's the reason companies like Sony make things like PlayStat...

Thirteen Things I Can Live Without 1. The Air Quotes. I do it myself, and I hate myself for it. But, really, where were the air quotes 15 years ago? 2. "Throwing Someone Under The Bus" expression. It's worn out its welcome on me. Isn't there something else we can say that means the same thing? 3. Weather forecasts of snow flurries. Flurries? There's large particles of dust falling out of the sky, and I'm supposed to alter my life? I think Cecily Tynan and her ilk just like to say the word "snow" so that we'll tune in. Editor's note: Cecily's name was used in order to pick up a few more Google hits. Sorry, Cecily - I didn't mean to throw you under the bus. 4. Ann Coulter. Go away, please. Your fifteen minutes are up. I'm tired of your hate-train politics and the stupid things you say. Jiffy Lube is hiring. 5. Guilt. I'm not a law-breaker, but sometimes I am made to fee...

This may be my last post on My Sick Mind. Why? Expired products, my friends. Today, I drank a bottle of Flavor Splash water that expired in September. I have no idea what the expired chemicals in this wonderful product will do to my delicate insides. Check the obit column of tomorrow's Philadelphia Inquirer. Until then: I'm not sure where the light-jazz Muzak version of a reggae tune falls on the musical evolutionary scale, but I'd bet it's pretty close to Neanderthal. The strange part is, I found myself tapping my foot to the Pastel-Light Coffee Filter Jazz Orchestra version of "Jammin'" at work today. That's the kind of day it was, folks. I'm blaming the old chemicals. Then, I get home and check the e-mail. I have a threatening message of warning from a fictitious Ebay buyer: For the record, I'm not sure when in the hell I intend to send the money. I think I'll wait until I hear from the six other people you "cc'd...

I love a good question. Especially if I know the answer. Sometimes, though, the question is just a question - one of those rhetorical ones - that doesn't have an answer, we just ask it for the fun of asking. Such as, "If all the conservative Republicans were in a room together and one of them farted; would it smell, or would they even notice that the room stank?" Those kinds. Or the kind of questions that Pam 's children ask. Questions that even the wisest oracle could not answer. I'll leave those for you to ponder, since some of them make my brain hurt. But over on the Good in Theory blog today, old pal Katie (OK, not so old , but a pal nonetheless) asks an interesting question. Katie's question, in a nutshell is: Is it human nature to base our worth on the worth of our bank account, or is it society’s nature? Good one, Kate. Have you met Pam's kids? If you believe that we are all a measure of society, then you can equate society's values with our ...

Title sponsor Kathy Ireland, left, poses with LPGA Tournament of Champions golf tournament winner Lorena Ochoa, of Mexico, on Sunday, Nov. 12, 2006, at Magnolia Grove in Mobile, Ala. Ochoa won by 10 strokes. Sunday television. A rich, bountiful wonderland or a vast wasteland? It depends on your perspective, which I suppose is true of almost everything. It's raining and miserable here in the great Northeast, so I sat down for an afternoon of football and entertainment. Over on BBC World, we were treated to an outside perspective on Tuesday's elections, complete with Rumsfeld's speech of resignation, where he said that we were in a "misunderstood war". Well, why, Mr. Rumsfeld, is the war misunderstood? If it is within your sphere of influence to impress upon us the importance of this "first war of the 21st Century", then you and your former boss have failed miserably. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Rumsfeld made that "first war" remark with the s...

Paula is 5 shots down going into the final round in Alabama today. Maybe it's me (it probably is) but I don't get this whole Borat thing. I understand that it's hip to do comedy that makes people look like jackasses - and even name the TV shows and movies such - but really, if this is the most creative thing we as a society can conjure, maybe it's time to go back to scrawling on the cave wall. Of course, owing to my credo of not seeing movies alone, I haven't seen this one. However, I will quote Tom Smothers, who once said, "I'm an American - I don't have to see something to know it's stupid." Earlier this week, Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb introduced his new clothing line, called Super Five . That's OK, I guess, but during the news conferences that preceeded it, he said that the reason he was doing it was to "look out for his future" and take care of his family. The guy is in the middle of a 12-year contract that pays ...

A little known subset to the immensely popular Thursday Thirteen, I present the Saturday Six. Six Things That Control Your World, Over Which You Have No Influence 1. Big Oil - No kidding. Did you put gas in your car this summer? Since then, the price has dropped about a dollar a gallon and I haven't heard about any big new discoveries or any wide-scale drilling projects. Price manipulation. Ya think? Besides, so many things are made from petroleum , that to escape its influence would mean living in a cave - which would eliminate #2 and #3... 2. Television - Playoff and big-time sports start at ridiculous hours for those of us here in the Eastern time zone, advertising is invasive, we are persuaded to buy products we do not want or need and the cost of cable is outrageous. For those of us in restricted environments (condominiumns) who are stuck with either cable or rabbit ears, what else are we to do? 3. Microsoft - I'm trying to use my computer, but I cannot, because I have th...

Thirteen Cool Things About Lawrence, Kansas 1. Google Earth has a default position when started up that is centered exactly on the town of Lawrence (specifically, on an apartment building lying between Compton Square and Regency Place). This may be verified by running the software and zooming in from the default start position without rotating the virtual globe at all. This location was set by Brian McClendon, a 1986 graduate of the University of Kansas and now a director of engineering at Google . 2. In the 1983 TV movie The Day After , Lawrence was ravaged by fallout from detonations of nearby Soviet nuclear bombs, including one which destroyed Kansas City, Missouri . 3. Lawrence was also destroyed in the 2006 TV Series Jericho . Editor's note: TV hates Lawrence, Kansas. 4. There are three separate tunnel systems underneath Massachusetts Street, as well as an extensive steam-tunnel network underneath the University of Kansas , which includes tunnels designed as nuclear attack s...

BRIDGETOWN, Barbados (AP) -- Ravenous giant snails that emerge from the ground by night are thriving on the tropical island of Barbados, destroying crops and prompting calls for the government to eliminate them. This is officially "The World's Slowest Invasion". Easiest job in Barbados: Catch the snails. I think we may have found something for Donald Rumsfeld to do.

Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) (L), expected to be elected Speaker of the House in the aftermath of the midterm elections, shares a laugh with Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid (D-NV) on Capitol Hill the day after Democrats took control of the House for the first time in 12 years, in Washington November 8, 2006.

In January, Nancy Pelosi will become the first female Speaker in the history of the Congress. She would also be third in line to the presidency, after President Bush and Vice President Cheney. She even has her own YouTube channel . It's raining like Hell today in New Jersey, but the sun is shining somewhere. I think it's in California.

WASHINGTON - Federal poll watchers will be in 22 states Tuesday, safeguarding against fraud or discrimination in election districts marked by tight races, large numbers of minority voters and faulty ballot machines. Justice Department monitors and observers are being assigned to Cuyahoga County, Ohio, which has been dogged by problems with computerized touch-screen voting machines. They will be in Bergen County, N.J., a must-win prize for both candidates in the state's Senate race. And they will watching more than a dozen counties nationwide where polls are on American Indian reservations and in big cities dominated by black voters. In all, the Justice Department is sending an estimated 850 poll watchers to 69 cities and counties - what officials on Monday called an unprecedented number, and twice as many during the 2002 congressional midterm elections. I'm not sure if I should feel good about the Justice Department doing this, or ashamed that they have to. I'l...

November, in Television Land, means it's Sweeps month. For those who may not know, our pals at Wikipedia define Sweeps this way: Sweeps Much of the ratings system still consists of the completion by viewers of ratings diaries , in which a viewer records his or her viewing habits, generally for a week, in exchange for being advanced a nominal fee. These diaries play an especially important role during the four annual sweeps periods conducted in February, May, July and November in an attempt to measure smaller local market audiences in markets that are not covered by People Meter samples already. The term "sweep" refers to how the diaries were handled by Nielsen Media when the ratings were first produced: They are mailed to the households and processed by starting on the East Coast and "sweeping" across the nation. You can tell it's Sweeps month, because the promos for local news border on ridiculous. Thursday night, CBS3 told us that they were g...

I'm on Where's George , which, several of you may think is some sort of tracking device for the idiot son of our 41st president ... but, no. It's a tracking device for dollar bills that are stamped with the distinctive Where's George sta mp. I came up with one at a local Wawa store near My Sick Headquarters and logged it in here . Otherwise, my day has been spent rehearsing for my potential appearance on Deal or No Deal. I'm memorizing all the numbers ... 1 through 26. Labor intensive, I know, but I think it may pay off in the end. I'm also practicing my OCD-induced-fist-handshake so Howie won't hate me. Meanwhile , political dumbass John Kerry shot himself (and the party) in the foot (or ass) with his stupid remark about either being educated or "stuck in Iraq", which prompted some Minnesota National Guard members in Iraq to scrawl out this inspired sign : Oy. John ... be a fountain, not a drain. And then... SYDNEY, Nov 2 (Reuters Life!) ...

Thirteen Reasons I Almost Didn't Do a Thursday Thirteen This Week Subtitle: Thirteen Lame-Assed Excuses 1. Daylight Savings Time ended, and I've been slowly adjusting. It's dark all the time. 2 . My Helper Monkeys walked out. I've been buying those green bananas again. The last time they threw crap on me, so I guess I'm lucky they walked out. 3. Hallowe'en. I'm logy from eating too many Skittles. I'm peeing a rainbow. 4. I'm still goofing with my new toy . So far, I've found the "on" button and have also been able to find my ass with both hands. 5. I'm working on the Friday Five . It's 62% less work. I'd be done by now. 6. Sex sex sex. Thinking about it takes up a lot of time. Apparently, the whole "hump day" thing is just an expression. 7. I got mezmerized by this site and wasted a lot of time. 8. I made the mistake of out-sourcing the job to India and had to have the whole thing translated from Hindi. Gurūvāra...

I got my new Dell Axim today, so I'm a little distracted. So, here's a look at a sweet black cat for the "holiday". He's been with me for over 16 years, which makes him a "senior" by cat standards. Black cats are supposed to be bad luck. It's a ridiculous notion, since this one is the best thing that ever happened to me. And imagine, in 1990 he cost me a mere $2 9 at the local animal shelter. At the rate of return vs. cost (a concept that accountants are supposed to understand) this one was way undervalued. I figure that I owe the shelter about a million dollars by now. He's a beautiful boy, and I hope he's around for a few more Hallowe'en's - scaring kids, birds, squirrels and keeping me from thinking that nothing good happens to people. Sometimes it's something as simple as an animal that makes us believe in goodness. What puzzles me is how I raised him to be such a good cat. Maybe it's him or maybe it's me - or maybe ...

There is no joy in Mudville. Sports is on the front page of the newspaper after a horrible weekend here in Philadelphia, and to make matters worse, it gets re-played and analyzed on every TV station and sports talk radio station (of which there are 2 here). We even have a 24-hour sports cable outlet that will discuss little else for the next week. The mood of sports fans is sour, and it’s a shame that it has deteriorated to the point that sports has become so important. Our hometown football team, the Philadelphia Eagles, laid an egg on Sunday. For the third consecutive week, they have disappointed the fans with a lackluster effort in losing to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Fans are calling for the firing of the head coach, cutting of players and generally beating themselves up over the (in)action of the team, who is a bland 4-4 entering into a challenging second half of the season. It could be worse, but it’s hard to imagine how. Three things happened to make sports as big a part of socie...

I think this may be a little free advice to back up what my Blogger buddy Carmen nudged me about a week ago. Brevity is indeed the soul of wit: Your Fortune Is To make a long story short, don't tell it. The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator By the way, Friday's mention of the Dell Axim (complete with jazzy blue link) did not elicit a response from the Dell people. I'm expecting a goodie bag any day now.... holding my breath . I guess that stuff only works with Big Ass Fans . Meanwhile, start the week with a laugh. Brian Regan is one of the funniest guys working today. Here he is talking about his latest visit to his doctor: