Thursday Thirteen v.10

Thirteen Things I Can Live Without

1. The Air Quotes. I do it myself, and I hate myself for it. But, really, where were the air quotes 15 years ago?

2. "Throwing Someone Under The Bus" expression. It's worn out its welcome on me. Isn't there something else we can say that means the same thing?

3. Weather forecasts of snow flurries. Flurries? There's large particles of dust falling out of the sky, and I'm supposed to alter my life? I think Cecily Tynan and her ilk just like to say the word "snow" so that we'll tune in. Editor's note: Cecily's name was used in order to pick up a few more Google hits. Sorry, Cecily - I didn't mean to throw you under the bus.

4. Ann Coulter. Go away, please. Your fifteen minutes are up. I'm tired of your hate-train politics and the stupid things you say. Jiffy Lube is hiring.

5. Guilt. I'm not a law-breaker, but sometimes I am made to feel that my thoughts are supposed to be wrong or somehow flaunting society's standards. Two words: Up yours. I'll feel the way I want to feel, and you can't stop me.

6. Christmas ads before Veteran's Day. They're so anxious to make a buck that they think they can weaken our will by running Christmas ads on TV. There should be a Thanksgiving law for these things.

7. The concert sing-along. I didn't pay sixty bucks to hear the fat ass next to me sing "Too Much". Dave's making a million, let him sing it.

8. The cell phone at the gym. I'm not sure why, but this really annoys me. Maybe it's because I see the gym as a kind of church, and if you can't spare a hour of your life without that little noise-maker, then maybe you should just stay home. Unless you're a surgeon or working at NORAD, your call probably isn't necessary.

9. The guy on TV that's living in his Sentra. Stop it. Maybe the reason he's living in his car is because the damned things are so expensive that he can't afford rent.

10. Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football. There's a game going on, I know it. But the broadcast is so full of junk that I have a hard time finding it. At the center of the nonsense is Kornheiser, who follows the stinkeroo Pardon The Interruption by further stinking up MNF. It's supposed to be a football game, but it's a TV show. Should be on the Disney Channel.

11. Borat. Really - stop. And, how long before we start hearing about Borat 2? It's coming, I can smell it. As sure as rock crushes scissors and scissors cuts paper.

12. Hairballs. Not mine, my cat's. I'm sure he can live without them, too. He's very good at coughing them up directly in the path of my late-night pee break. Thanks, buddy. There's nothing like a squishy, brown lump between my toes.

13. I'm writing this as the final "Dancing with the Stars" is being broadcast. Tom is telling us that, last night, "two Gladiators went to war..." Tom, they're dancing. You want war, I've got a place you can go. Besides, I thought we were done with this whole "War as a Metaphor for Life" stuff when our brave men and women went to the Middle East? I suppose not. We have short memories.
Meanwhile, these goofballs are competing like Hell for the World's Ugliest Trophy. What's the point of an hour "Results Show"? They can tell me who won in the time it takes Cecily Tynan to do the weather, but somehow they manage to pad it out to an hour -- and America eats it up.
I'm switching to the Flyers game - speaking of things I can live wthout.