Addressing the Big Issues

Stop the presses, folks. We've captured Osama bin Laden, cured AIDS and cleaned up New Orleans. We haven't? Well, how else to explain the latest missive from the LPGA? We must have solved all of the huge problems facing the country, now that the Ladies Professional Golf Association has seen fit to do this:

LPGA to institute drug-testing policy for 2008 season
Partners with National Center for Drug Free Sport to establish guidelines

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla., Nov. 15, 2006 -- LPGA Commissioner Carolyn F. Bivens today announced that the LPGA will institute a drug-testing policy for participants in LPGA Tour events beginning with the 2008 season.

“While the LPGA has had no evidence to date of performance-enhancing drug use by our players, we recognize the concerns regarding drug use in sport and the need to have a clear policy and program in place,” said Bivens. “We want to take a proactive role in educating our members about nutritional and dietary supplements, while also promoting fair and equitable competition. Under the expert guidance of Drug Free Sport, we will work diligently to establish a policy that will focus on the protection of the health and safety of our members, and ensure that no one will have an artificially induced advantage to remain competitive.”

Sometimes, Carolyn, a proactive approach is ridiculous. Here's a sampling from some interview questions on the LPGA's web site, where players give up their biggest training and diet secrets:

Paula Creamer:
What is your favorite snack to eat on the course?
I like to eat bananas and my mom always makes me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I also like energy bars and plenty of water.
Well, Paula - your mom is what we call an "enabler".

Christie Kerr:
What's your favorite snack on the course?
Well, I usually eat Clif Bars. But I really like Hershey's kisses although I don't eat them much.
Good thing, Christie - because the blood tests turn up "kisses".

Natalie Gulbis:
If calories didn't exist, what is your favorite dessert?
Oreo milkshake and chocolate chip cookies.
Is there anything you won't eat?
I am not a big fan of pork.
C'mon, Natalie. You're really letting your body go!

Laura Diaz:
Peanut Butter? Crunchy or Creamy
Creamy
What's your favorite snack on the course?
Fruit and Powerbar
"Creamy". Is that some sort of anabolic agent? They'll be testing for peanut butter, so watch your ass!

Christina Kim:
Favorite way to stay in shape.
I like to lift weights though I don't do it nearly enough. I do seem to work out my left bicep a lot though from talking on my phone so much.
Get off the phone and get on the steroids, girl!

Rosie Jones:
Is there anything you are addicted to? Or can't live without?
Tacos and popcorn.

Sherri Steinhauer:
Is there anything you are addicted to?
I love eating rice, I don't think I could live without it.

It's nice to see that an organized sport association is taking a stand against these obvious cheaters. After all, a fistfull of Hershey's Kisses could mean the difference between 250 and 285 off the tee. Carolyn Bivens isn't exactly the most popular person in the golf world to begin with, and I can't imagine that this ridiculous measure is helping her image. Get a grip, Carolyn.

Maybe the LPGA should start testing for peanut butter and candy - and leave the girls alone.

Judging from the differences between Natalie's physique in 2006 and 2007, I think it's obvious that she's jucing. I think we should find out what she's taking, and start handing it out at LPGA events.

Must be the Oreo milkshakes and chocolate chip cookies, right?