My Sick Mind

As many of you know, it's a short walk from my home to the grocery store. Being so, I usually make 8 to 10 trips a week because I'm cheap and I shop on impulse. Today, on my way home, I spied a driver at the traffic light (yes, there's one of those) yakking on his cellular telephone. As many of you know, this I believe is a bane on our existence. As he turned the corner I shouted, "Get off the phone!" He stopped, which was odd because I figured he couldn't hear me over the din of his conversation. "What did you say?" he asked, in a tone which conferred that he knew exactly what I said. "Get off the phone," I replied, figuring that I'm just big enough to be mildly intimidating and still remembered that I'm carrying a 10-pound bag of cat litter which can also be used as a weapon. "What are you, the phone police?" he asked, begging the reply. "Yes I am. Now shut up and drive." To protect and serve.

This was the forecast on Yahoo weather today: Tonight: A few passing clouds. Tomorrow: Sunshine along with some cloudy intervals. Tomorrow night: A few clouds from time to time. Sunday: Times of sun and clouds. Passing clouds, a few clouds, times of sun and clouds ( my favorite ) and cloudy intervals. It's impossible for them to be wrong. I'm telling you, the guys at the National Weather Service are on a break and the interns are filling in. Check the men's room. 2 meteorologists, no waiting. Weather forecasters must wash their hands before returning to work. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that my girl, Paula Creamer shot a first-round 60 at the Jamie Farr Classic. Yes, that Jamie Farr. Besides Annika's record 59 a few years ago, it's the lowest round of any LPGA player. Only 4 other LPGA golfers have shot a round of 60. Nice going, kiddo. When I was in Maryland last month I saw someone walking around with a shirt styled after a sports jersey. The name...

ROCKWOOD, TN - Erikka Ridinger paused from hoeing between rows of hip-high corn in the Roane County Victory Garden, wiped her brow and smiled. "I thank the Lord I'm able to get out here and work," said Ridinger, an inmate serving time in the Roane County Jail. "It makes you feel good that this food is going to the needy and for the prisoners." NEW YORK - 59-year-old home health aide Linda Holley of The Bronx won a $19 million Lotto jackpot in May. "I thank the Lord for allowing me to win this," she said. New York state Lottery spokeswoman Carolyn Hapeman said that about $70 million in prize money goes unclaimed annually . Thanking the Lord is one of my favorite human activities in the world of greed and fortune. Apparently, the Lord is more interested in some people than others. How else to explain why He would single-out one person over another? If you follow the logic of “the good Lord” granting someone a prize, then how to justify His exclusion o...

The producers of Wife Swap should get together with the producers of Baby Borrowers and produce one disgusting TV show. That would be the decent thing to do. We need cordless vacuum cleaners. We have cordless telephones and cordless vibrators ... why not a cordless vacuum cleaner? I'm tired of running over the cord, and I'm running out of electrical tape. If I paid for the cable TV channels that I watch, my bill would be about ten bucks a month. As it is, it's $60 and I don't go near seven-eighths of them. NOTE TO AUTO MAKERS: Put the fuel fill door under the license plate like it was when I was a kid. That way, I could use any open gas pump, instead of having to wait for the one on the side where my fuel intake is. I want a headphone jack in the arm rest at the movie theater so I don't have to listen to the stupid kids behind me narrating the story. I need more horny, single women to approach me for sex. Anyone buying more than three items in a store shoul...

That's a picture of a typical mid-summer evening around here. Midway between Wilmington and Philadelphia. I don't know how it works, but it does. The late-afternoon/early evening thunderstorm. A hundred miles either way and it doesn't matter, but here in the Land of Me, it's a semi-regular occurrence. It keeps me indoors and (lucky you) in front of the blog screen so I can torment you with more of my nonsense. Times of clouds and sun. That's my favorite forecast that we get. They could tell us that every day and be right. I picture the forecaster having to use the toilet when the call comes in for the daily forecast. Just like the DJ who puts "Stairway to Heaven" on, out they run with the "times of clouds and sun." That covers him until he wipes up and gets back to work. Meanwhile, we're left wondering what to wear. I must be way out of touch. I don't know who this Jamie Lynn Spears is or who Miley Cyrus is. I did hear someone pining ...

I saw a story today that said former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is bankrupt. While I know that the term bankrupt has several different financial meanings, it brought me back to the story a few weeks ago that said former Tonight show co-host Ed McMahon is about to lose his home by foreclosure. I realize that these are two isolated incidents involving people who had more money than brains, but it makes me think that fame and fortune aren't always what they're cracked up to be. At best, there is a tenuous relationship between people and money, and sometimes the more you have the more careless you are with it. Take for example, Charles Barkley. Barkley would think nothing of spending $400,000 gambling, saying that he had it to spend and it meant nothing to him. I think therein lies the foible of great wealth - the ensuing disrespect of money and its value. Some of us would run over a kid in a wheelchair for $400,000; but people with millions figure that they can ...

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - There's new advice for older men who want to preserve their sexual function : have sex, and have it often, researchers say. In a study that followed nearly 1,000 older Finnish men for five years, researchers found that those who were regularly having sex at the start of the study were at lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction (ED) by the study's end. In fact, the more often the men had sex, the lower their ED risk. The implication, say the researchers, is that men should be encouraged to stay sexually active into their golden years . Who are these researchers and why are they getting paid for this? I'm not a doctor (nor do I play one on TV) but I'd have to guess that men who are having sex aren't in danger of erectile dysfunction, so the study would seem to be a means to its own end. By the way, did erectile dysfunction exist twenty years ago, or did we just recently make it up so that we could sell erectile dysfunction drugs...

I got tagged by Kimmyk . Here are the rules: (because there are always rules!) Instructions: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring/summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to. Strangely, I'm not much into new music these days. I think it goes with the "don't care much" attitude I've taken on. Still, here are 7 I can stand. Typical Situation - Dave Matthews Band. Lately, the summers have been filled with Dave Matthews shows. Usually, I go for the up-tempo stuff like Too Much or Louisiana Bayou, but this song has been haunting me, and it took until the last show in Hershey for them to play it, proving that good things come to those who wait. Abacab - Genesis/ Umphrey's McGee - Believe it or not, th...

Just like the fictional TV horse Mister Ed, I never speak unless I have something to say. Last night I was rummaging around some old CDs and came across a set of scans of amusement park photos that I took several years ago. These were taken at Ocean City, NJ and Wildwood, NJ; probably in 2001. The exposure times vary, but always at least 4 seconds. What amazes me is how still people can be without asking. Had I asked, they probably would have moved. I can give you details if you're interested, but the details aren't that important. It's another dreary day around here, so maybe this will brighten it a bit. Probably not. I didn't notice the "chaos" sign until I got a look at the slide. It's framed in my living room.

It rained on our parade. Independence Day (or the fourth of July for the learning impaired) was a fizzle. It rained just enough this morning to cancel some parades and just enough tonight to cancel fireworks. Unless, of course you happen to have run by an out-of-state supplier during the week and you managed to spew some off in your backyard. The glow from the suburbs and the smoke-filled road reminded everyone that a little rain can't spoil the fun of real Americans. First thing Friday morning, my eyes were focused on the good old Weather Channel for some of their sage wisdom. Sage it was. They run this program called Your Weather Today , which is the TV equivalent of sticking your head out the window. Seriously, if both hosts suddenly retired, my cat could take over and the show wouldn't lose a step. Here I am, like a chump looking for a morning and evening forecast, and Heather Tesch (really) is using words like "hopefully" to let me in on the day's events....

Baseball's annual exhibition game, the All-Star game is next week. Today, I received an e-mail from Major League Baseball with a link to buy tickets to the game. Well, I was born during the day, but it wasn't yesterday . I figured there was a ruse afoot. Sure enough, clicking the link set me up with the "Official Fan to Fan Ticket Marketplace" (i.e. Legal ticket scalper) StubHub. The oddly named ticket re-seller. If I wanted a ticket stub, I wouldn't buy one from a scalper. Those, I can pick up off the floor. Being the curious guy that I am, I clicked it . Prices ranged from a low of $365 to a high of (sitting down?) $29,500. That's right. And it wasn't just one guy, there were 19 sellers asking at least $10,000 for a seat to the game. I'll leave it to you to digest those figures. What galls me about the whole StubHub scam is that the professional leagues (the NFL, NBA, MLB and NHL) along with the King of ticket scammers, Ticketmaster (Ticketbastar...

One of my many useless skills is reading too much into an ordinary article or news story. There was a good one today: NEW YORK (AP) - Shares of General Motors Corp. plunged Wednesday to close below $10 for the first time in more than half a century, on worries about the company's cash needs and speculation about a possible bankruptcy protection filing down the road. GM shares fell $1.77, or 15.1 percent, to close at $9.98. Their session low of $9.96 marked their lowest point since September 13, 1954 , when they hit $9.92, according to the Center for Research in Security Prices at the University of Chicago. The price is adjusted for splits and other changes . After reading that, I imagined a 55-year old who got a hundred shares as a christening gift back in 1954. He's ready to retire now and on a recent trip to his safe deposit box, he quickly discovered that they were worth the same $1,000 that they were worth when his rich uncle gave them to him as a very generous gift. Once...

SERENDIPITY I was late tuning in the Phillies game tonight. I had just gotten in from one of my bike-to-gym runs and I flipped on the TV in the bottom of the second inning. That's when it happened. Phils broadcaster Chris Wheeler, said, "For those of you just tuning in..." Wow. I'm just tuning in. So many times I've heard that statement, and I've told the TV, "I've been watching for an hour." I used to wonder to whom they were talking. Now I know. It's me, that's whom. I COULDA TOLD YOU. LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Starbucks Corporation said on Tuesday it plans to close 600 underperforming U.S. stores and cut up to 12,000 full and part-time positions, (about 8 percent of its workforce) as it copes with an economic downturn and increasing competition . For years, comedians and regular people have been making jokes about too many Starbucks. Lewis Black does ten minutes on being in Houston and standing next to a Starbucks and turning around ...

Cat litter. That's what it's come to. Amazing isn't it? Fifty years old, a college degree, home ownership and it comes down to cat litter. Amazing and appropriate both. Monday night I decided to forgo the supermarket trip in lieu of the pet store approach to buying cat litter. It's on the way home and the supermarket parking lot is a congested knot of clutter. Another executive decision executed. What I hadn't bargained on was the huge price mark-up for things in high-end pet stores. I wandered in thinking I was going to easily wander out. Besides, it was cat litter, right? How much could it cost? Try twelve bucks. Twelve dollars made a tank of gasoline look like a bargain. At least the gas gets me someplace. This gets me nowhere except wandering the store in tiny circles looking ... there must be a two dollar bag of cat litter here someplace, right? I found the eight dollar bag, which was actually a plastic container with a lid, as though I'm supposed to po...

Hershey, Pennsylvania. Everything in town has the same name. Hershey Park, Hershey Avenue, Milton Hershey School, Hershey Gardens, the Hotel Hershey, The Hershey Lodge, Hershey Area Playhouse ... You could drop somebody blindfolded out of a moving car and it would take about two minutes for them to figure out where they were. The only thing in town this week that wasn't named Hershey was The Dave Matthews Band. It was another great show. They're almost always great, which is why I go. The venue, on the other hand, sucks dark chocolate. Strike one was a trio of teenaged girls who accused me of stealing their jacket in the Hershey Park cafeteria. What a 50-year old would be doing with a girls' jacket in 90-plus temperatures is beyond me, but there you are. It's a big stadium with odd ways in and out, as though they wanted to punish us for having to pee. Last year it was a power-tripping security guard who made me go back and re-enter. Strike two this year was a specta...

Big doings and nothing doings this weekend for the sick minded. Friday (today or tomorrow depending) is yet another Dave Matthews show. This one is in Hershey, PA - and you know what's in Hershey. That's right ... beer. No really, it's the chocolate thing. The big stadium (Hershey Park stadium or something) is right next door to the big chocolate factory, so there's tailgating (the beer part) and Reese's cups in my future. I'll have to find a way to keep them chilled, since it's going to be hotter than Hell on Friday (today or tomorrow depending). This is the last Dave show of the summer for us. My friend is a total groupie. After the Camden show a couple of weeks ago she did her usual "follow the band back to the hotel" thing. Usually it includes me, but this time the show coincided with the LPGA Championship in Maryland, and you know how that little competition came out. Well, it turns out that this year she got to meet His Majesty and got a b...

PAVLOV'S CASHIER I'm still trying to cope with the canvas shopping bags. I live so close to the market that I can make little trips 3 or 4 times a week. I grab a couple of canvas totes and walk on over. Invariably, the cashier tries to put something in one of those disgusting plastic bags. Yesterday it was a 4-pack of bottled water. While I'm busy packing the bags, the kid reaches for a plastic one. Ugh. Just give it to me. On Sunday it was a container of laundry detergent which was already conveniently in its own bottle with a handle. I can carry it. That's what the handle is for. The cashiers are trained to use those dopey plastic bags, and it kills them if they can't separate the soap from the food. People walk out of the market with a dozen of them in their carts. They're killing me. PLAY NICE, GIRLS PHOENIX (AP) — Shaquille O'Neal will lose his special deputy’s badge in Maricopa County because of language he used in a rap video that mocks former teamma...

It's here. You're watching, aren't you? C'mon, admit it, you're fascinated. "It's not television. It's birth control." The sad thing is that it is television. It's television at its worst. It's television exploiting life for its own gain. Commercial advertisements, promotion and exploitation. It's what television has become, and for them to say it's not television is a lie. Kids are "borrowing" actual children. It's not one of those cyber deals where it's like Robo-kid and they can cancel the game and start over. These are real kids with real parents - not the ones on the show - other parents who sold the kids to the show, and I can only imagine the family photo album and YouTube video that the kid will see when he's twelve. "Hey Billy, check it out. This is you when we sold you to this TV show because we had too much credit card debt and gasoline was $4 a gallon (you remember gasoline, right?) and w...

Sublimate Pronunciation: \ˈsə-blə-ˌmāt\ Function: noun A chemical product obtained by sublimation . Sublimation of an element or compound is a transition from the solid to gas phase with no intermediate liquid stage . Radio jackass Don Imus is at it again. He made some off-color joke about Adam (don't call me "Pacman") Jones' color and now he's in for another ass-beating. What I don't get about the whole affair is why do we care what he says? We know he's a jackass, yet we treat his nonsense with the same respect we would treat a politician or religious figure making the same remarks. Your attention please: He's a radio guy. He has a program on the radio. They pay him to make stupid remarks, and when you call attention to his nonsense it only makes him say more stupid stuff. Which leads me to Anthony's Rule of Thumb #5: When you see a non-sports personality on the sports page of the newspaper or a sports personality on the front page, it's a...

Former Philadelphia 76er Aaron McKie was arrested and charged Monday with trying to buy two guns despite being under a protection-from-abuse order that bars such purchases. In the criminal charge, he is accused of lying by answering "no" to the gun-purchase application's question about a restraining order to protect his "child or an intimate partner or child of such partner." "You can make an honest mistake on a gun application and pay the price," McKie's attorney, Brian McMonagle said. "I don't think anybody thinks he had any bad intentions here. " Only a lawyer can refer to a lie as an "honest mistake." Sure. People buy guns all the time. "What restraining order? Oh yeah ... that restraining order. What's the problem? I'm buying two guns but there's only one restraining order. You're sticking it to me!" Wimbledon starts this week, and across America trained journalists will say "Wimble ...