Friday, July 11, 2008

Thank the Lord for making me a cynical S.O.B.

ROCKWOOD, TN - Erikka Ridinger paused from hoeing between rows of hip-high corn in the Roane County Victory Garden, wiped her brow and smiled. "I thank the Lord I'm able to get out here and work," said Ridinger, an inmate serving time in the Roane County Jail. "It makes you feel good that this food is going to the needy and for the prisoners."

NEW YORK - 59-year-old home health aide Linda Holley of The Bronx won a $19 million Lotto jackpot in May. "I thank the Lord for allowing me to win this," she said. New York state Lottery spokeswoman Carolyn Hapeman said that about $70 million in prize money goes unclaimed annually.
Thanking the Lord is one of my favorite human activities in the world of greed and fortune. Apparently, the Lord is more interested in some people than others. How else to explain why He would single-out one person over another? If you follow the logic of “the good Lord” granting someone a prize, then how to justify His exclusion of another deserving person due to their diligence and devotion to the Lord? Isn't it the same Lord that Erikka thanks for working that got her in prison to begin with? You can’t justify it, and therein lies the problem.
People, through either guilt or blind obedience thank the Lord for things over which they feel they have no control. I’ve seen race car drivers thank the Lord for “a good safe race,” even though another car hit a wall earlier or another driver blew an engine and finished last. Those are the heathens, I assume, because the Lord is only interested in the few, and if you’re one of them, then thank Him because if you don’t, He’ll smite thee. He smites too.
So Linda and countless other Lottery winners thank the Lord for allowing them to win at gambling, even though $70 million in prize money is unclaimed. I guess the state is thanking the Lord for allowing them to keep the money. Otherwise, we’ll assume that the people who failed to collect are Satan worshipers who don’t really deserve to win, right?
I’ll tell you this: the Lord (whomever or whatever you deem it to be) isn’t in the business of singling-out one over another. If you believe that, you’re either egocentric or afraid or both, because it just doesn’t make sense. Millions of people buy Lottery tickets. If we have the Lord to thank for our lots in life, then shouldn’t we all win at some point?
The one you have to thank is yourself for not stopping to double-wipe after your morning crap so that you could get to the convenience store two minutes ahead of the heathen behind you, allowing you to get the winning ticket. Meanwhile, you scratched your ass all day wishing you had stopped to wipe better. Once the numbers were drawn you thanked the Lord for making you a winner and magically, your ass stopped itching.
I think maybe it was Satan who told you to gamble to begin with, so why isn’t anyone thanking him?
NEW LONDON, CT. - A two-car accident, involving an elderly man and a man in his 20s, temporarily shutdown the Waterford Pizza Palace when one of the cars crashed into the eatery. Here is a comment on Monday's story posted on “I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank the Lord, I still have my driver's license.”


Handsome B. Wonderful said...

My favorite are the ones who prayed at a gas station for "God" to reduce the prices (shakes head). The Idiocy just gets worse.

Not to mention the folks who pray for a good parking spot at the mall so they can go buy more shit.

kimmyk said...

i only pray to bob that i hit every green light on the morning i get up late.

thank you bob by the way for this morning. i appreciate setting the clock back by one minute when i clocked in this morning.