Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Times of clouds and sun.

That's a picture of a typical mid-summer evening around here. Midway between Wilmington and Philadelphia. I don't know how it works, but it does. The late-afternoon/early evening thunderstorm. A hundred miles either way and it doesn't matter, but here in the Land of Me, it's a semi-regular occurrence. It keeps me indoors and (lucky you) in front of the blog screen so I can torment you with more of my nonsense.
Times of clouds and sun. That's my favorite forecast that we get. They could tell us that every day and be right. I picture the forecaster having to use the toilet when the call comes in for the daily forecast. Just like the DJ who puts "Stairway to Heaven" on, out they run with the "times of clouds and sun." That covers him until he wipes up and gets back to work. Meanwhile, we're left wondering what to wear.
I must be way out of touch. I don't know who this Jamie Lynn Spears is or who Miley Cyrus is. I did hear someone pining over Miley and the upshot was that she's a kid or something, so what he was saying was a major faux pax. It seems to me, every time I see Miley on the TV doing whatever she does, she's dressed up like some sort of little kiddie slut, so you could probably forgive a guy for thinking what they want us to think. As for Jamie Lynn, I figure she's only on a magazine cover because her sister shares the same surname. For that matter, I'm not altogether sure what Britney Spears does either. I think it's great that we live in a society that can flaunt a 17-year old with a baby and put them on a magazine cover, as though they're supposed to be proud or something. All I can think is that I missed out on a lot of teenage sex when I was a teenager.
Speaking of kids dressed up like whores, the family of JonBenet Ramsey was exonerated via the DNA evidence. I for one was hoping that someone in the family was guilty. That way, we could move on with our lives and put somebody in prison. As it is, all the DNA testing did was confirm that nobody knows who killed that kid. Meanwhile, I can't sneak a sugar packet out of our cafeteria without somebody seeing it, and someone can kill a kid and we can go 12 years without the slightest clue as to who did it. I'm in the wrong line of work.
The upside of all the rain we've been getting around here (or were predicted to get) is that I'm saving a fortune on sunscreen. I'm a big sunscreen guy, and I'm still amazed that it's as expensive as it is. Prices on all sorts of technology come down as the years go on, but a nice can of sunscreen still costs about 8 dollars. Ten or more if you want the good stuff that doesn't make bugs stick to your arms and legs. They tell us that nothing above SPF 30 works better, but they continue to make SPF 50 and now I see SPF 80. I think, when you spray it on, that one actually becomes a shirt.
I like the way the instructions tell you to "apply generously," as though the use of the word generous is a coincidence. Generous equals five bucks. Meanwhile, the first listed ingredient is water, followed by a lot of stuff I can't spell and something called Leaf/stem extract. Ten bucks for leaves, stems and water. For ten bucks I was expecting that it included crude oil.
But I keep using it, fully expecting to reach a ripe old age and not look ripe. That's what the Banana Boat people tell us. It says "Long lasting UVA/UVB protection" and something about "photostable UVA technology." I don't know what it means. I think they say that so we'll think it's worth ten bucks. All I want is no visible tan lines and a life without melanoma.
I hope I'm getting what I've paid for. That would be a first.


kimmyk said...

you said 'whore' and 'slut' all in one post.


Anthony said...

that's right.

It's quite a vocabulary, ain't it?

Kate Michele said...

you crack me up Anthony!!

I lose it..LOSE IT... at the sight of string bikinis for 6 year olds in the stores. WTF? And let me tell you ... everyone in the store knows my feeling on the subject by the time they leave :D

I'll sneak you some sugar packets... whats your pleasure?


Anthony said...

Wow, string bikinis for kids? The world is a strange place. That's right up there with the size Extra-Large Speedo's. Who's wearing those things?

Lately, I've been using artificial sweetener. I'm not sure where the sugar packet reference popped in. I don't steal them ... really ... I don't. I swear.

Gotta go - Stairway to Heaven is on.