My Sick Mind

Jeezaloo, (sorry Paul) but after all that hullabaloo yesterday, you'd think I would have gained a little respect. But no. I got an e-mail today asking me if I'm smarter than a fifth grader. I believe we all know the answer to that question. Somehow, it was tied into a credit card offer. I need to find a kid to explain it to me. And speaking of questions, as promised I will answer the tag from my friend K8tie over at Good in Theory , even though she has defected to Wordpress: What was the name of the teacher that was most influential in your life from grades K through 6? Miss Buchanan, in grade 2. She was my teacher twice in grammar school. Once then, and again in the 5th grade when she was Mrs. Eastwood. I liked her better as Miss Buchanan. When my father died she came to our house and was very sympathetic. For a kid, that's a big deal. Teachers were different people when we were in grammar school. We bonded with them and saw them as parent figures, as opposed to the di...

My first reaction to getting that phone call was that it was some sort of police sting operation. You know the one - they find some deadbeat with outstanding parking tickets and call him on the phone. "You just won a free TV. Come downtown and pick up your prize." Then, dumbass runs out with his thumb up his ass, "I just won a TV!", but when he gets there, the police are waiting for him and they slap the cuffs on the unsuspecting boob and throw his Free TV ass in jail until they collect their money. That's what I was thinking. But it wasn't one of those calls, although I wasn't entirely sure until I saw my name tag and they crossed my name off the list of invited attendees to something they called the Convocation and Recognition Ceremony. Believe it or not, they actually were glad to see me. I didn't get a TV, but I did get a certificate with my name on it (in ink) proclaiming my: Outstanding academic achievement in Accounting - May 19, 2007 Jeezaloo...

While we were waiting through the Phillies’ rain delay on Wednesday night, several little sociological events transpired to occupy my [sick] mind. One involved the evolution of technology. A guy next to me had one of those bigger-than-necessary cell phones and he was watching the weather radar on the screen. OK, it’s raining. We could both see that. I could see it for free by looking up. He pays $80 a month to see it on a little screen while he is waiting in a rain delay at the ballpark. Somebody is being hosed. The second was the little gathering of young men behind me, conducting their own ersatz sports talk show. The “host” was the loudest guy, who pontificated on all manner of topics, barely allowing his minion co-hosts to work in an edgewise word. He had an opinion of everything from the color of socks to the meaning of life, and covered each topic until he talked so much that he gradually disappeared into his own mouth hole. At some point both the rain and the talking stopped. Wh...

Sodio Totales. That’s going to be my stage name if I ever become famous or enter the witness protection program. It’s probably good enough to get me on Telemundo, where there are plenty of hot Latino babes who won’t care that I am named after a datos nutricionales. In total disregard for my recent history of picking bad Phillies games to attend, Wednesday night's pitching clinic by Cole Hamels was a gem to behold. He struck out the first 4 batters he faced, and we knew it was going to be a special night - but not that special. He carried a perfect game into the seventh inning, when he walked Ricky Weeks to break up his Perfecto, and the next batter, J.J. Hardy, hit a home run and the no-hitter bid went by the wayside. What survived was a great performance by Hamels, the brightest young pitching star this team has had in a long time, and a 6-2 Phillies win. Muy bueno, Cole. We stood through a rain delay of over an hour after driving there in some sort of Monsoon for the sole purpos...

Michael Nutter won the Philadelphia mayoral democrat primary last night. It strikes me as odd that a city with a population of 5.8 million, and 449,182 registered democrats, that a guy can be so excited that 104,299 of them want him to be mayor. He has 23% of democrats and slightly less than 2% of the population of the city behind him. The newspaper called it “a resounding margin” and “a message of change.” That’s politics, I guess. He will be the next mayor, since the city hasn’t voted Republican since Bernard Samuel in 1952. Now that would be real change. To paraphrase Harry Hartounian , “I wish I could get that excited about Nutter.” Speaking of voting (and I was, just now), voting has been going on for baseball’s annual All-Star game which will be played in San Francisco this year. For the sports impaired among us, the rule is that the league’s team that wins the All Star game has home field advantage in the World Series. In other words, if the National League wins, then the Phill...

I’m going to miss The King of Queens . Monday was the last show. Sitcoms are dying, and KoQ was still running hot, and they were smart enough to leave before they ran out of steam. Kevin James is very funny, and the supporting cast was great. The show always made me laugh, and Leah Remini is still a hottie. Thank God for DVDs. I am really sick of the banners and junk that run across the TV screen during shows. C.S.I. Next – I know, but I’m watching something else now. You’re watching King of Queens on CBS . I know, I’m watching it. Then, during Seinfeld on TBS, the screen suddenly split in two squares. One was Seinfeld , and the other was an NBA playoff game going on over at TNT. Really. I completely lost control of my TV. Hey – dumbass, if I wanted to watch the game, I wouldn’t be watching Seinfeld . Leave me alone. They don’t do that stuff during commercials, which to me indicates a lack of respect for their viewers. Imagine you’re reading the newspaper and somebody waves anothe...

This story didn't get a lot of play nationally, mostly because it involves women's golf, but I thought it was something good, which seems to be in short supply lately. I heard about it while watching the Michelob Ultra tournament on ESPN2 last weekend: Mi Hyun Kim , an eight-time winner on the Ladies Professional Golf Association ( LPGA ) Tour and champion of last week's SemGroup Championship in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, announced after her win that she will donate $100,000 of her winner's paycheck of $210,000 to the United Way Greensburg Disaster Fund to aid the victims of the tornado that destroyed the Kansas town last weekend. "I was just happy that I won the tournament," said Kim. "Sunday and during the week, the tornadoes came out of the middle of nowhere. I felt like I needed to do something for them. Winning a tournament on its own was a good thing, but I just decided to donate some money." "Honestly, I made a lot of money in the United S...

ST. PAUL, Minnesota - Minnesota would ban smoking in bars, restaurants and other establishments under a bill approved by the Legislature. The bill passed the state House by an 81-48 vote early Saturday, hours after the state Senate approved it 43-21. It now heads to Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who has said he will sign it. Minnesota would become the 20th state to prohibit smoking in bars and restaurants. THE CRYSTAL BALL: This ain't rocket science, folks. Almost half the states have passed one form or another of a smoking ban. Smokers are the social pariah now. At work, they huddle outdoors in all sorts of weather, in bars and restaurants they are relegated to the front sidewalk. Pull up to a local pub and you would think that the joint was standing-room only, but it is just the smokers hanging out, and I'm still getting used to it here in New Jersey. "Watch my stuff" is the request I get most often, as the smokers go outdoors for the post-beer butt puff. They still sell the...

WASHINGTON - It will cost a bit more to mail letters and parcels starting Monday. A first-class letter will go up 2 cents to 41 cents. But there is also some good news - folks will be able to buy "forever" stamps that remain valid regardless of any future increase . So, that's the "good news"? I'm a little confused (a lot confused) about these "Forever stamps". Who buys a stamp and holds onto it forever? They are marketing these things like we're buying them and saving them for something. Who buys stamps and doesn't use them quickly? Sure - let me run out and buy up a truckload of these stamps so I can save 2 cents in three years when the rates go up. Do they think we're that stupid? My take on this "Forever" stamp is that the Post Office is admitting that by the time the next rate increase is enacted, the Postal Service will be the stuff of history. Anybody remember the Pony Express? Five years from now, when rates go up...

I like to try to tie things in together when I write these posts. Sometimes it isn't very easy, and sometimes, like yesterday, the overwhelming sadness of life's circumstances leaves me a little drained. When I found that story about the Rent-a-pet disaster that they are calling Flexpetz, I wondered how we could treat animals as though they were commodities. To tie that into something would take two days, but here it is: Japan has drop box for unwanted babies TOKYO - A Japanese hospital opened the country's only anonymous drop box for unwanted infants Thursday despite government admonitions against abandoning babies. The baby drop-off, called "Crane's Cradle," was opened by the Catholic-run Jikei Hospital in the southern city of Kumamoto as a way to discourage abortions and the abandonment of infants in unsafe public places. The hospital described it as a parent's last resort. So, there ya go - tie-in complete. While at first it seemed as though we (the h...

CHARLOTTE, N.C. - Former televangelist Tammy Faye Messner said doctors have stopped treating her cancer and that her weight has dropped to 65 pounds. In a letter poste d Tuesday on her Web site , Messner thanked her "faithful friends" for sending her flowers, cards and gifts as she battles cancer for a third time. The 65-year-old Charlotte resident was first diagnosed with colon cancer in 1996, and she announced in 2004 that the disease had spread to her lungs. "The doctors have stopped trying to treat the cancer and so now it's up to God and my faith. And that's enough!" she wrote. I suppose it will have to be enough, Tammy. Meanwhile, those who figure that God will provide may be either dumbfounded or extraordinarily philosophical over the events that have transpired over one of "God's Children". It's hard to figure sometimes, this whole God and Heaven deal. Regardless of what you may think of Tammy and her opinions of the herea...

OK, so now he's the kid who the other kids make fun of. Now, they don't even do it behind his back anymore, because they know that he knows he's a dimwit - so why bother sneaking around? WASHINGTON - The queen had the last laugh. Dispensing with protocol briefly at the formal dinner she hosted for President Bush, Queen Elizabeth said, "I wonder whether I should start this toast by saying, 'When I was here in 1776.' " At one point in Monday's South Lawn ceremony, Bush noted that the queen had dined with 10 U.S. presidents and had helped the United States "celebrate its bicentennial in 17 ... ." Bush caught himself and corrected the date to 1976 . This brought loud laughter from many in the invited audience of thousands. A chagrined Bush deadpanned that the queen just "gave me a look that only a mother could give a child." Well, he got the parent/child part right. 'Loud laughter' from a bunch of invited guests who are proba...

My new favorite song. "I was a baby when I learned to suck, but you have raised it to an art form." Wind it Up Barenaked Ladies

Sometimes, I have to create my own entertainment. Lately, it has been seeing all the Google searches over "Alicia Lane". SIDE NOTE: Spelling is a hot-button issue with me. Then, the other day, I mentioned how I spent two days listening to people call him Floyd Merryweather - and up pops two Google searches that led stalkers here. I wonder if they did another search, or were they actually looking for Floyd Merryweather ? Maybe his old high school teacher or a former lover? Whatever - entertaining myself is cheaper than psychotherapy and less addictive than crack. Well ... slightly less addictive. Then, there is this: This is a billboard that is causing quite the uproar in Chicago. A local attorney is advertising divorce, or so they think. The anger comes over the idea that we are so gullible as consumers that we will consider divorce merely because the Billboard says so . That isn't giving us a lot of credit either as people or consumers. "Life is short, so ditch tha...

Just when you think you have seen every crazy, harebrained scheme – along comes this nonsense. First, the article, then my sanctimonious rant. You tell me if I am totally off base with this, or if you feel similarly: THE ARTICLE: The lure of an energetic playmate and warm companionship has brought me to the door of my neighborhood animal shelter, but I was always stopped by thoughts of the poor pup being penned up all day while I'm at work. San Diego and Los Angeles-based Flexpetz lets you borrow a dog of your choice for a few hours, a day or even a week. All their dogs come from accredited rescue organizations and range from an Italian greyhound named Pike to Tango, a stunning black Afghan. Owner Marlena Cervantes says many of their San Diego clients are military personnel who don't want to kennel their dogs while out at sea. A number of celebrities also showed interest at a pre-Oscar event this year. "We had a lot of interest from actors who have to be on-location a lo...

OK, here we go. Since nobody watches ABC News, I figure you haven't seen this . There's an ad first, and the video is only a couple of minutes. It's either a clever May Sweeps angle or a real danger. Either way, it may bear watching - especially for my female readers.

"The instrument has not been invented that can measure my indifference to that remark." Benjamin F. 'Hawkeye' Pierce, M*A*S*H Two major sporting events took place over the weekend, and I honestly couldn't care less about either one. Two mesomorph's beating each other up and a horse owned by wealthy people running in a circle for our entertainment. My only happiness comes in the fact that apparently neither the horse nor its jockey were seriously injured. I cannot go through that again. I do not wager, nor do I pay $54 to watch sports on television, so I missed out on the glory here. If I want to see two people beat each other senseless, I can watch Hannity and Colmes . They're senseless to begin with, so it's just the beating that has appeal. Besides, I spent two days listening to people call him Merryweather , and another two days listening to people tell me whom was going to win the Kentucky Derby. Do we say 'whom' if it's a horse? In t...

What? Have I lost my mind? Yes. The View . Boy, do I wish I was at home during the day so that four old squares could help me shape my opinion on the events taking place in the world. Now that the old lesbian is leaving, whom will they get to replace her? I can only imagine. I hope it will be someone who presumptuously spells a common name oddly, like Elisabeth, or another old-head news anchor or another failed stand-up. Oh wait, they already have one of those. If I felt as though I had to watch this show every day, I would either (a) take up mid-day drinking or (b) find a part-time job pumping gas or mowing lawns. Meanwhile, those tornadoes that ran through Greensburg , Kansas serve to remind me how we should appreciate the fact that we merely reside here, and that events much larger than us have complete control over whether or not we are allowed to stay. People in my part of the world build homes 50 feet from a raging ocean, then complain when a storm washes part of their front po...

So, there I am, foolishly watching ESPN2's coverage of the SemGroup Championship , scheduled to run from 3pm to 5pm. It's getting close to 5pm and the leaders are still on the 14th hole. "There's no way they are going to play 4 holes in 8 minutes", I say to myself. Sure enough, it ain't happening. The coverage was scheduled to go until 5, and at precisely 5:00:00 pm, they left Oklahoma for their next program. "Well, it must be something pretty important", I think to myself. At this point, I have stopped talking to myself and started thinking to myself. Surely, it must have something to do with the Kentucky Derby or some landmark sporting event - right? Wrong. They were stopping their coverage of an LPGA tour event with the leaders having 4 holes left to play to show us ... wait for it ... The O'Reilly NHRA Midwest Nationals Qualifying. Drag racing. Qualifying. Not even a real race, which would have been bad enough. They were only qualifying to...

Another 161 page hits today over this Alycia Lane nonsense. Almost all of them from the spelling impaired who are using the vowel-rich version of her name. Almost 500 page hits, and two stinking comments. I suppose, when they don't see the bikini photos, they don't bother reading. C'mon fellas, let's move on. Paris Hilton is finally going to jail , so you can start Google searching conjucal visit sex to see where that lands you. Here, probably. Meanwhile , the girls are playing golf in Oklahoma, of all places, at something called The SemGroup Championship . ESPN2 televised part of it today, from 3 to 5pm. Can you spare a square? I set the recorder for two hours, knowing full well that I would merely be teased by the coverage, and sure enough, I got to watch 4 holes of play. Would ESPN televise 5 innings of a baseball game? No. So, why do they bother with 2 hours of a round of golf? Granted, I'm grateful that they bother at all, but they had to stop the show while ...